• Share
  • Tweet
  • Share
Jeb Bush

David Paul Morris/Bloomberg via Getty Images

It's hard being Jeb Bush, you guys. You have to live up to the legacies of your super-famous brother and father. You have to decide whether you're actually running for President (even though you're totally running for President). And according to The New York Times, eating is no picnic either.

The paper of record followed the former Governor around on some of his thinly-veiled campaign stops, and wrote a gripping exposé about the fact that this guy has straight up #DietStruggles. Bush is apparently in the midst of a "monthslong experiment in deprivation," otherwise known as the Paleo Diet, and it's not going so well. 

How do they know that? Because they are The New York Times and have seasoned investigative reporters at their disposal. Also because Jeb said, "I'm always hungry." 

Unbeknownst to regular folks who don't keep up with every move of the Bush family, Jeb has apparently long been known as the chubby one, growing ever softer around the middle as his brothers zip around on mountain bikes and his father keeps his svelte form even into his 90s. The Times reports that he's tried everything to stay slim, whether it be (shudder) going on Atkins, giving up breakfast and lunch for Lent or climbing 22 flights of stairs a day (what?).

This latest foray into weight loss appears to be one of the more intense. For those of you unfamiliar with the torture-esque diet, it basically consists of cutting out starch, dairy, refined sugar and anything else that our cavemen ancestors didn't eat. Bush has blacklisted his favorite foods (enchiladas, duh) in exchange for sad, sad portions of oatmeal, salad and bland chicken. The portions are so sad, in fact, that the Times witnessed one of Bush's fellow diners offer him a piece of her salmon because she was convinced he "could not possibly be sated."

But now it seems that despite the "regular bouts of dietary crankiness" Paleo is actually working! Praise George! And George Senior!

The proof of success is in the gluten-free pudding: One of his constituents in South Florida told the paper he now has a "less jowly face." Cha-ching! If we only we could all be described that way by people we barely know.

The feature claims that Jeb's new restrictive lifestyle could put him at a distance with the voting public, stating that Americans are looking for a more relatable eater-in-chief. You know, one who has late-night carb binges and keeps secret stashes of candy in their gym bag?

We're not going to speculate on what our fellow countrymen are looking for in a future President, but we will say that no one wants to deal with hanger. Call it the real struggle of politics.