Happy opening day, baseball fans! Here's a list of the insane deep-fried, cheese-covered, chocolate-filled menu items that will probably stop your heart at your favorite ballpark! We ranked them by how likely these monstrosities will kill you via calorie intake. But if you're going out, might as well go out by eating chicken-fried bacon!
15. College Daze Bloody Mary, Minnesota Twins
What is it? Your standard Bloody Mary, but with a cold piece of pepperoni pizza shoved in the glass.
Likelihood of death: If it has a celery stick, it's definitely not going to kill you. This is a drink with some intense garnishes, that's all.
14. Tommy Lasorda's Meatball Marinara French Fries, Los Angeles Dodgers
What is it? Meatballs and marinara sauce on top of French fries
Likelihood of death: Compared to other items on this list, this is basically a salad.
13. Custard Donut Sandwiches, Milwaukee Brewers
What is it? The Brewers have a couple variations, but this one makes our pancreas shudder the most: custard doughnut stuffed with pretzels, peanuts, salted caramel and peanut butter.
Likelihood of death: It's just a fancy doughnut, so pretty low.
12. Inside The Park Nachos, Milwaukee Brewers
Here?s a pic of that Brewers ball park snack ?Inside the Park Nachos? - Taco meat, crusted in Doritos on a stick pic.twitter.com/pOuOkJonIe? Jeff G. (@TheSportsDude) March 25, 2015
What is it? They call it "nachos on a stick," which means taco meat that's crusted in Doritos and deep fried on a stick, covered in cheese and sour cream.
Likelihood of death: It's just nachos punched up a bit, so unless you are allergic to nachos. You'll most likely survive.
11. Cuban Pretzel Dog, Pittsburgh Pirates
New at Pirates games: Cuban Pretzel Dog (hot dog w/ham, pork, Swiss cheese, dijon & pickles) pic.twitter.com/CcnADtNe88? Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) March 31, 2015
What is it? A hot dog covered in ham, Swiss cheese, mustard and pickles on a pretzel hoagie roll.
Likelihood of death: It's a Cuban sandwich masquerading as a hot dog. You're probably safe.
10. Bacon Covered in S'mores, New York Mets
New at Mets games: S'mores covered bacon ($8 a piece) pic.twitter.com/jRWua42ceO? Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) April 1, 2015
What is it? It's bacon on a stick dipped in chocolate, graham cracker coating and marshmallow. Personally, we think s'mores with bacon in the middle would be better but we're not the experts here.
Likelihood of death: Depends on how many you eat. One? Totally fine. 19? You might want to have your Uber driver swing by the hospital.
9. Mac and Cheese Fries, New York Mets
What is it? Mac and cheese formed into logs and deep fried
Likelihood of death: Moderation isn't just key with this one, it's the best way to survive these logs of lard.
8. Chicken and Waffle Cone, Houston Astros
New at Astros games: Chicken & Waffle Cone w/mashed potatoes & honey mustard drizzle pic.twitter.com/y2vDEjjnjm? Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) March 27, 2015
What is it? Fried chicken fingers and mashed potatoes served inside of a waffle cone and slathered in honey mustard.
Likelihood of death: Medium. Chicken is healthy if you ignore the fried part. But why would you?
7. Pulled Pork Parfait, Milwaukee Brewers
What is it? Mashed potatoes and pulled pork layered on top of each other and topped with chives. And it has its own Twitter account.
Likelihood of death: 50/50
6. The StrasBurger, Washington Nationals
What is it? An eight-pound burger with the usual fixings: lettuce, tomatoes, special sauce, onions and cheese.
Likelihood of death: If you share this with friends, not likely. If you eat this alone, very likely.
5. Chicken Fried Bacon on a Stick, Texas Rangers
What is it? Exactly as it sounds: a thick piece of bacon battered and deep fried, on a stick.
Likelihood of death: Just hearing the words "fried bacon" makes our arteries clog.
4. Sausage sundae, Texas Rangers
What is it? A quarter pound of grilled sausage topped with one scoop of mac and cheese, one scoop of brisket and one scoop of mashed potatoes, with a cherry (pepper) on top, of course.
Likelihood of death: We would suggest getting your affairs in order before ingesting. You know, just in case.
3. Pulled Pork Mac and Cheese Sandwich, Florida Marlins
What is it? A sandwich of pulled pork and mac and cheese, topped with a creamy slaw.
Likelihood of death: There is nothing redeeming about this, as the veggies in the slaw are killed by mayo, probably. If you eat this, death won't be at your doorstep exactly, but he's definitely circling your block.
2. The Closer, Pittsburgh Pirates
New at Pirates games this year: The Closer (grilled cheese w/NINE diffferent cheese & candied bacon) pic.twitter.com/2a7gODhmf2? Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) March 27, 2014
What is it? A grilled cheese sandwich on steroids: Four slices of thick bread, nine difference cheeses, candied bacon with an apple and leek compote.
Likelihood of death: Very high, which is why they probably call it The Closer. As in closing the story of your life forever.
1. Churro Dog, Arizona Diamondbacks
What is it? A cinnamon churro inside a long john chocolate glazed doughnut, topped with frozen yogurt, caramel and chocolate. It is 1,117 calories.
Likelihood of death: 99.9 percent. You should go into this meal as if it will be your last, so make peace with your gods. If you survive, you'll probably be in a sugar coma for at least 8 weeks.
Happy eating, sports fans! And may god have mercy on your soul.