Getty ImagesYes, we know. You're all going to get fit, quit smoking, drink less and be friendlier in 2015. Those resolutions, while noble and important, bore us. We want to see the really crazy, ambitious resolutions! Where are those people?!
Right. They're on Twitter. And they are promising some pretty crazy s—t for their own life in 2015. And we so applaud them for it, and we hope they achieve their lofty goals of becoming Beyoncé, taking more naps, eating less fondue and marry rich:
My New Year's resolution is to be Lana del Rey #queen
? Sierra Wilbar (@SierraNevada___) December 31, 2014New Year's Resolution: Eat less fondue. #fondont
? Skyler Ellenburg (@skylere6) December 31, 2014one again, my new year resolution is to become as buff as cartoon Satan
? Big Leviticus (@PierreMenard) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution
Go to the gym once this year.
? Raquel (@rockii96) December 29, 2014I want to be the kind of boy Beyoncé would be proud of. #NewYearsResolution
? Jair (@JairJaimes) December 31, 2014For my New Year resolution, I will wear more long sleeves instead of cut offs.
? Seth Procasky (@Seth_Procasky) December 31, 2014My New Year's Resolution is for Flo to not be the Progressive girl anymore. is that realistic?
? Jay Jasinski (@jayjasinski) December 31, 2014My New Year's resolution is to talk people out of their New Year's resolutions.
? Annabel Oakes (@annabeloakes) December 31, 2014My only new year resolution is to bump nasties in all the great cathedrals of Europe and South America.
? Doth (@DothTheDoth) December 31, 2014My New Year's resolution is the same as it's always been: to not die.
? Nick (@NickSchug) December 31, 2014My new year's resolution is to watch more bananas die on my kitchen counter
? PaperWash© (@PaperWash) December 30, 2014My New Year's resolution is to get blocked on Twitter by Ann Coulter.
? OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 30, 2014My New Year's Resolution is to incorporate fur and sequins into as many daily outfits as possible. Because why not? pic.twitter.com/jPCY1ADnxA
? Madison JB (@MadisonJB_) December 23, 2014#NewYearsResolution PEOPLE WILL BE GIVEN FREE BANANAS!!! pic.twitter.com/Sk5LYEvNJs
? ?SolarFlare?(SMOKY) (@__Celestia__) December 31, 2014My New Year's resolution is to unsubscribe from as many email lists as possible.
? Steven Metz (@steven_metz) December 23, 2014#NewYearsResolution Make a handful of people believe I'm normal before blindsiding them with my actual personality
? Jake from State Farm (@iGrowBeard) December 29, 2014My new year's resolution is to perfect the art of twerk ! I would like to learn how to persuade my gluteus maximus to go counter-clock wise
? Deondra (@bri_deondra) December 31, 2014@NiallOfficial niall i just want your follow for #NewYearsResolution please i love you??????
? please 1/5 for 2015? (@laethoran) December 31, 2014Pretty sure I need more grilled cheese. #NewYearsResolution
? Derek S (@DerekActual) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution do more shoutouts
? Baeson (@fozarelli) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution I resolve that I will clean out my sock drawer screaming 'Vengeance is Mine' and heedlessly prune solo socks
? Erin Quill (@Equill) December 31, 2014For 2015, I resolve to believe that I deserve a better quality of underwear. #HappyNewYear #NewYearsResolution #NewYearsEve
? Chris Griggs (@MeChrisGriggs) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution Really Simple: become Beyoncé
? MXSFVT_ (@noeeeemiiiii_) December 31, 2014My New Year's resolution is to become Frasier Crane.
? Josh Bramlett (@SonofConway) December 31, 2014My #NewYearsResolution for 2015 is to slap the shit out of anyone that brings up Back To The Future 2.
? Joe Prettyman (@JoePrettyman) December 31, 2014Marry rich #NewYearsResolution
? Patricio Patterson (@_PitterPatter) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution - i'm not eating a single fortune cookie until 2016
? Jarrod Reid (@Daddypantz1220) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution more sex more drugs more rock and roll #420 blaze it #swagswag
? Ben~ (@Benzohh) December 31, 2014My #NewYearsResolution is to stop threatening to kill ppl that run into me at bars. But also, those ppl should resolve to be more polite.
? Alli (@kingalli) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution Blaze It
? Real (@BmxOnAcid) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution physically fight @Paula_Deen in public. Come @ me hoe.
? Olivia Rose Riddle (@oliviavuniverse) December 31, 2014Take more naps #NewYearsResolution
? Jessica Batchelder (@jbatch12) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution replace my arms with my legs
? Yung Hitter Chainsaw (@RichardHolo) December 31, 2014Stop allowing lukewarm showers to anger me into oblivion #NewYearsResolution
? Giana Ciapponi (@Giana_Ciapponi) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution to try harder to get noticed by any member of 5sos
? ????? (@narrystripesxo) December 31, 2014My #NewYearsResolution this year is to NOT throw-up on any of my friends in the next 24 hours. *fingers crossed*
? Liz (@Liz_AtHeart) December 31, 2014My New Year's resolution is to stop writing 2014 when I write the date by at least March.
? Joe Hamm (@JosephHamm) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution not to rely on autocorrect
? Chester (@chestieee) December 31, 2014My #NewYearsResolution is to not get pregnant.
? ?ødÿ Wãrd (@CodyWard9) December 31, 2014#NewYearsResolution Splode shit. pic.twitter.com/gaGlTyQaxv
? F. M. (@Roc_Star_Don) December 31, 2014Drink more water, wear less pants ????#NewYearsResolution
? Zoo-lay-ka (@_stank_face_) December 31, 2014Yes! Less pants for all!
Happy New Year, everyone! May your 2015 be everything you wanted and more, except with less pants. #NoPants2015
What's your resolution for the new year?