Dear Ted:
We are the Parrish Maguire Liberation Front and we ask…no, wait…we demand more info about this poor young man who is forced by Hollywood executives to live a lie! If you don't comply with our demands, we will immediately ask our members to start bombarding you with questions about the underrated William Fichtner. Long live Parrish!
—PMLF
Dear Negotiating With Vice-orists:
Well, I have been missing mention of the talented and hot William Fichtner…but I'm feeling generous today so I'll comply with your demands. First of all, it's hardly the Hollywood execs forcing Parr to live hetero-boringly. He's all for the beard game. Where they disagree is with how loose Mr. Maguire can be with his personal life (and loins) when he thinks no one is watching.
Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile about to play the bearding game again? I know it is a part of showbiz, but I was so hoping Toothy was about to be done with the Old Hollywood ways.
—Tommy
Dear Pause:
Not like he has in the past, but I hardly doubt that Tooth's days with fakey GFs are over. Hardly, actually, and yes, it breaks my heart just as much as yours.
Dear Ted:
When you say someone has a nonstarring role in a B.V., does it mean they're given a moniker too, or just referred to generically as the spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend?
—B.K.
Dear Lost in Translation:
Usually the latter, but if the supporting cast is par-tick-ularly famous and/or just plain fab, I'll sometimes throw them a name. It just means they're not the main one getting in on all the Vicey biz. Kinda like Chutney Jones used to be.
Dear Ted:
Wondering about some Vicey golden oldies: Glistening Gunther and Fey Oiled-Tush. Can you tell this gal (who once adopted a stay doggie my dad found and has supported Save Our Strays) a little bit about them? A compare and contrast perhaps? What similarities and distinguishing differences do G.G. and FOT have? Thanks!
—Steph
Dear Easy:
Fey is richer, more famous and a hell of a lot more concerned than Gunth with keeping his homolicious secrets just that.
Dear Ted:
Congats on non cigs. Two years for me now. My rescue Miley (the cutest little pooch) and I have a question. We are really loving Jackie Bouffant ever since hearing about the boyfriend. We keep hearing about a possible beard for Jackie, so how does the BF cope? I couldn't deal with seeing my love out with someone else. We are wishing them all the luck.
—Miley and Mark
Dear Bluffing for Bouff:
The same as any other significant other to a famous closet case. It's part of the deal. Congrats on the cigs back to you, Marky, and kisses to Miley (named after Ms. Cyrus, perhaps?).
Dear Ted:
I call shenanigans! You said recently that Whitney Houston did not have a Blind Vice moniker from years ago, but I was so sure that she was Thelma Turnip. Was I wrong? And, if I was, what's Thelma up to these days? Did she ever get her stalled comeback going?
—Mike
Dear Hot for Houston:
Yes, you were wrong, Mike. As for Turnip? Her secrets seem to be less at risk for being revealed these days than Whitney's.