As fabulous as our Royal Name Generator may be, let's face it: We debauched Americans at the Awful Truth were dressing up salacious celebs with our Blind Vice Superstars (and lesser Vice mortals) ages ago. And not to rain on William and Kate's happy day, but we simply cannot leave out the Vice-lovin' Brits!
The very shady HRH the Duke of Schlongsbury is like millionth in line to the British throne, but, babes, the law-breaking stud is legally entitled to rule the country, should it come to that. Which is why members of Parliament are super nervous.
Hmmm. What's the handsome duke's crime?
You know how often Queen Elizabeth II purses her lips or changes hats? Triple that figure and you've got the number of times Duke Schlongsbury beds underage girls.
And the very good-looking heir pays these women, on top of it—adding even more law-breaking badassness to his royal résumé!
Queen Liz knows all about it. So, too, do most of the country's elite, who are positively dead-set on gossiping about these things, but rarely doing anything about it.
Only this time, certain members of Parliament feel they're legally bound to try and stop the throne-line naughtiness. And the duke, who's quite used to getting whatever his horny heart desires, is royally pissed.
Hey, not nearly as peeved as Schlongbury's line-up of lovelies! Not only does he pay them extravagantly, he's got the biggest set of family jewels in all of England!
And we're not talking diamonds.
AND IT AIN'T: Viscount Linley (Princess Margaret's son), Peter Phillips (Princess Anne's son) or Prince Michael (Princess Michael of Kent's husband).