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Jake Gyllenhaal

AP Photo/Michael A. Mariant

Of course, we've been talking about it for ages, how Gyllenspoon had all the sexuality and warmth of a microwaved day-old mocha latte.

And now, sadly, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have officially parted company.

Well, according to our inside Jake and Reese sources, this already happened so long ago, you might even say they were practically never together! But maybe that's taking things too far, you know how us gossips can exaggerate.

Much more important is timing:

Why in the ef did Gyllenspoon pull this split stunt right before Jake's Prince of Persia, the girliest he-man movie ever made, is about to arrive?

I mean, come on: Even Toothy Tile—our Blind Vice superstar who knows a thing or two about spinning love and romance to help his career—knows that you gotta have a girl by your side to help sell a flick that ticket-buyers are supposed to stuff down their gullets with Milk-Duds, right?

Toothy never would have pulled such a dumb maneuver as leaving his fake gf right before he had a movie coming out, come on, get real.

Tile would have kept it going just long enough to sell that stinker in the press, then split with the "girlfriend" discreetly on down the line. Who the hell's going to go as Jake's People magazine-adoring dream date, now?

That stupid undersea creature Jake just appeared on Sesame Street with (while, ironies of ironies, mind you, to help explain the word "separate," another media misfire TT would never have been caught dead—or lisping—doing)?

Actually that escort makes perfect sense to moi, as the damn octopus had tons more chemistry with Gyllenhaal than Witherspoon ever did. Does that make me a cold fish to say?


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