Bitch-Back! Did Zac Take Rob's Hair?

Efron's a copycat, but anything Twilight is awesome

Dear Ted:
Read you every day. What is up with Zac Efron and the whole trying to be Rob with his hair? I even saw him in an interview mess with his hair like Rob does. Is he trying to get what he had before Rob came along?
—Sammy 

Dear Vamp Zac:
Do you mean his giant teen fame? No, Efron's perfectly happy leaving the horny ladies to Pattinson. If you remember, Zac and his hair came first. We love us some R.Pattz, but he doesn't own the right to good hair gel. 

Dear Ted:
Well, I went to see New Moon and I loved it. Why are some people who call themselves Twi-hards hating on New Moon? I don't understand. I read all the books, and like I've said, you can't compare the books to the movies. Of course the books are better, but what I enjoy is seeing the characters come to life. Edward, yummy! Yeah, some parts were cheesy, but to see it is what amazed me, and for the money they spent to make it come on, I think it was pretty damn well done. What do you think? Help me understand these haterz!
—Service

Dear New Moon, No Wrong:
Jealousy, probably. The movie was good, def better than the first one, I'll tell ya that...but I do think the script could use some work and some spice. That's where I think the franchise should shake stuff up a bit.

Dear Ted:
Do you know what's really happening with Nick Jonas going solo? Does he really plan on playing with his brothers forever?
—Supergirl 

Dear Broken Brothers:
Not sure if he can make it solo. It's like if the three of them aren't together, they can't function. But Nick has the best shot out of all of them. He's got some Miley in him.

Dear Ted:
Everyone was hoping for Robert Pattinson to do SNL. MTV even said he was the most in demand to host SNL. So if they can get Taylor Lautner to do it, why not Rob?
—Karen

Dear Comedic Vamp:
Haven't heard anything for sure, but Rob's so hot right now that what he wants, he gets. If he wanted to host SNL he would be. Solo. Think he just needs a break, probably. Taylor's like the Energizer Werewolf.

Dear Ted: 
Thanks for the goss on Prince William and Kate Middleton—love anything royalty related and can't wait for them to marry!
—Nadine J

Dear Kiss the Prince:
No prob, babe! Love the royalty, too, and it helps that Will is a hottie, but give me Prince Harry anyday.

Dear Ted: 
I just wanna say I totally love you and your column. I read you every day, lol. I am a recent Twi-hard, and I just love everything Robsten! Was I the only one who noticed that a little too long groan when Rob & Kristen kissed in New Moon. I loved New Moon, especially the end—however, I did expect a little more. What's your take on it? Kiss, kiss.
—Alessandra

Dear Sexual Intensity:
Since Rosbten isn't the PDA type, guess they just go with it when they're Edward and Bella.

Dear Ted:
Tiger's "alleged" mistress sure gets around.
—Dnnro 

Dear Herpasorous:
Allegedly...yes.

Dear Ted:
I have been rewatching some of Nikki Reed's old interviews and her latest Rolling Stone interview. This girl is great. I get sad when I think of all the rude comments on this site toward her, especially when no one knows the truth. How come when paps get pics of anyone else, well, the paps are just doing their job, but when it's of Nikki she had to have tipped them off. My friends have met her and said she was sweet, but very tired. Like tired of all this Twilight stuff. People call her a fame whore, but they don't know that right before Twilight she quit acting and moved to Hawaii, sold all her stuff, and was going to college. And Ashley Greene...I just don't know, she seems like a fame ho?
—My_ballet 

Dear Team Nikki:
We've certainly had a change of heart. It gets old poking fun at an easy target. While I've heard some different things about tipping paps off, I do think Paris Latsis has done some good for her. She's a sweet girl. Ashley is, too!

Dear Ted:
Hello, gorgeous! Long-time reader, first time emailing you. My favorite television couple (on- and offscreen) is David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. Such fire between the two of them! My second... John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer. They have so much chemistry onscreen. Why didn't they ever take it offscreen like Gillovny? Is Jenna not glam enough to be John's type? Second question: How do I manage to get David and John in bed with me? Love you!
—Jmain

Dear Welcome to Gillovny:
Although John and Jenna might seem like a hot romance onscreen, offscreen John is with his fiancée, Emily Blunt. And I get why you would wanna do John (you would have to go through Blunt's claws first), but David? Why? He's dirty.

Dear Ted:
From the heart of the Midwest, I just can't wrap my mind around how so many women in H'wood are willing to be a beard. Is it just because "that's how it's done" out there, and therefore, they don't see anything wrong with it? Is there monetary compensation? What is the deal?!
—Whitney

Dear Midwest Gal Goes Glam:
It's Hollywood, baby, anything and everything goes. You need thick skin to last in this town, being a beard is the easy part.

Dear Ted:
I've read a few articles that describe Tiger Woods' wife as "supermodel Elin Nordegren." Call me old-school, but what I know of his wife is she was a fellow golfer's nanny. Cindy Crawford and Karolina Kurkova are supermodels. Not Elin. What makes a supermodel? And who's ever seen Elin model anything anyway?
—Lemon

Dear Nanny Turned Model:
She has modeled for some things, but I totally agree, she is no supermodel. Leave that to Heidi Klum and Gisële Bundchen.

Dear Ted:
How come there's never any word about what George "Dubya" Bush and Laura Bush are up to? Do you think they've retreated to their separate corners, as rumored—he in Crawford and she in Dallas?
—Molly

Dear Where Did the Bush Go:
Yes and yes. And his poor liver's in Crawford, too.

Dear Ted:
Stop calling George Clooney classy! If I could reach you from hear (MA) I'd give you a good smack. Remember...Santa's watching...you're gonna get coal in your stocking if you keep attaching words to G.C. that aren't true. G.C. should marry her.
—Miss P

Dear Funny Babe:
He may not be all class when it comes to his sugar babies, but when it comes to red carpet etiquette the man is a god.

Dear Ted:
I was off base with my last guess but have a new theory: Is Chris Pine Jackie Bouffant? He arguably only became really famous this summer, has done Disney movies and was allegedly with that one from The Hills? Luv ya (and the team).
—Daisy x

Dear Pining Away:
Great guess. Wrong dude. Think bit less muscled.

Dear Ted:
I know you are an advocate for women, so will you please post a link to this website? Thousands of women are losing custody of their children to the men that abused them. I personally know a woman who was repeatedly raped and sodomized by her husband and lost custody of her children because she could not afford to remain in their million-dollar home. The rapist (a son of a former congressman) could afford the mortgage payment, so he got the children. The judge explained that it was in the best interest of the children to remain in the house. Can you believe the injustice? This happens way too often! Thank you for giving this issue the attention it needs!
—SS

Dear Done:
And done. 

Dear Ted:
You've gotten me addicted to your column over the years with your delicious Blind Vices. I've got a question for you: How do you think Shafterella Shoshstein feels about the end of Gyllenspoon?
—Gardenia 

Dear Interesting One:
I would bet she really doesn't care all that much.

Dear Ted:
What do you think of the "metamorphosis" of Elisabetta Canalis aka Lady Clooney at the Los Angeles premiere of Up in the Air?
—Rosy

Dear Was Stunned:
Not bad for a no-name TV host.

Dear Ted:
There are many, many sexier and more interesting royals to gossip about other than William and Harry. William and Kate Middleton are about as boring as one can get. If you're going to take a stab at European gossip, why not report on a more doable couple? Andrea Casiraghi and Tatiana Santo Domingo, anyone?
—Asche 

Dear Royal Pains:
Sorry, those are just tin-cup palace regimes. We're size queens at A.T., give us big ol' Buckingham Palace anyday!