Jun Sato/Getty ImagesDear Ted:
Bitch-Back! is my favorite thing to read on the Internet! It looks like you were right when you said you thought Rihanna would return to Chris Brown. This is really sad to me. The example she’s setting for young girls is that they aren't worthy of being treated with respect. I hope her particular situation doesn't end in tragedy.
—Melinda
Dear Sass-a-Frass:
You and me both, hon. We’ll have to wait and see what her next step is after she comes out of hiding. Undoubtedly it will be self-flagellation of some sort or another.
Dear Ted:
Why don't you go play in traffic? Thanks. No really, do it.
—Eralku
Dear Fire Starter:
Care to join me?
Dear Ted:
Hello, Hot Stuff! Is Brain-Fry Noodlestein Ben Stiller?
—Jiggy
Dear Stir Fry:
You're way close, but Ben is mucho saner than Bry-Fry. At least I think he is.
Dear Ted:
Just wanted to send you some love about the site. I used to get my coffee and get cozy for "our" morning update—I embrace change, so the new site didn't bug me, and I like the yellow! I gave up Perez for my new year's resolution and love that you give us "real" gossip instead of blown-up nonsense that just ends up making me feel dirty when I'm done reading it. Keep up the great work, keeping us in the loop with all things Hollywood.
—Sarah
Dear Realist:
Appreciate it, hon, much thanks, but Perez has some mighty real stuff in there. And do you mean to tell me I don't make you feel dirty at all? You must be one pure gal!
Dear Ted:
Loved your Truth Lies & Ted about Rachael Ray. Is she also mean to the audience of her show? They seem to love her!
—Ellen, Columbus, Ohio
Dear Roasting Ray:
Ray kisses all the right ass, i.e., her audience's (Rosie was never really as smart about that). You should see the email I got from her rep about the story I ran in Truth! Should I publish it?
Dear Ted:
Isn't it about time for Jen A. to get a real boyfriend, or doesn't she want one?
—Mark
Dear Men for Maniston:
I think she has exactly what she wants right now.
Dear Ted:
Why doesn't somebody around Nicole Kidman suggest the one thing that will take all the heat away from that melted forehead? Bangs! Us old gals all know they hide a multitude of skin, and the softer look will help immensely. I prefer to believe she's the victim of a botched Botox job, just like Priscilla Presley, and doesn't have the stones to admit it.
—Gill Mom
Dear Bang for a Buck:
Please, Nic takes pride in flaunting that pale plate of a forehead in some twisted way. And my lovely E! attorney would like to make three things plain: (1) Nic's never said she's had Botox, (2) Presley had brake fluid or Pontiac silicon, or something, put in her puss, and (3) I am reportedly gay.
Dear Ted:
Fairly new to your site and column, but since I plan to make Robert Pattinson my mister someday, I have to know that Judas Jack-Off is not him. I am pretty sure it&'s not though, because I think from all your hints, it's Kellan Lutz! Am I correct?
—Kelly
Dear Wedding Planner:
Rest easy your Twilight soul, neither are Judas.
Dear Ted:
Why is Camilla Belle dating Joe Jonas and not Robert Pattinson? Is she wearing a purity ring?
—Sram
Dear Belle of the Ball:
No! I'm so not a fan of C.B. and her pretentious ways. She can't (and won't) take Rob's heart.
Dear Ted:
Is there trouble brewing in Brangelina paradise? In their recent, high-profile public appearances together, Ange doesn't seem to be gushing all over him, like she usually does with her men when she thinks she's in love. I even heard that at the SAG Awards, she was rarely caught on camera with him because she deserted their table in favor of schmoozing at Clint Eastwood's. Is it time for her to make a very predictable, albeit very heavily laden, trade?
—Briolette
Dear Ticking Clock:
Like I said, if she's not bored already, she will be soon.
Dear Ted:
Regarding Robert Pattinson's anti-Hollywood misery, something isn't adding up. How is it he signed for a three-picture deal for Twilight, had his records on the album, presented at the Oscars, etc., if he hates the Hollywood machine? His suits had to know when he signed for Twilight what he was getting into. I get that he wasn't ready for all the fans/fame, and he just wants to act and be away from L.A., but take some responsibility—it's part of the acting job. So tell me. Is he trusting the wrong people to handle his career, or is it all an act? Love your site!
—Staci
Dear Patty Pretender:
I think he just simply wasn't ready for this much fame this fast. The guy loves his craft, so he'll make his appearances, but I'm sure he's just overwhelmed. Who wouldn't be?
Dear Ted:
Loved the gossip/Toothy Tile paper. Thanks for the link and for keeping the mystery going. I for one don't really care who he is but do think it's a shame he's hiding, and that once out, society in general might not (probably won't) accept him in hetero roles. I'm also deeply saddened about his beard as she can't be in a very good place within herself. Tragedy all around.
—Kuchynata
Dear Tile 'n' Out:
The more tears we cry for Toothy the farther back he goes in his semi-well-dressed closet. Such a shame.