The Awful Truth

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Dear Ted:
So Megan Fox is trying to go a different route with her image now because "women think she's a slut"? I'm sure her negative image has nothing to do with the fact that the persona she was projecting was so obviously just a calculated ploy to titillate men, like some cheesy sorority girl who makes out with other chicks to get more attention. Now she's trying to sell herself as a homebody? Please. I can understand wanting to keep some things personal, but here's a novel idea: Shut your trap! And stop doing the tacky pictures with the tongue out.
—Bbrey

Dear Foxless:
I don't think she's going as far as being a homebody, but the Fox-er has been less of a trotter lately, keeping more to herself...and guess what...that's OK! We still love her and want to see what media persona she's going to push on us next. Of course, we fully reserve the right to barf all over it, if we so choose.

Dear Ted:
Now I am convinced you have something against Gerard Butler! You never answer any questions regarding him. Are you jealous of him? I just wanted to know if he has been the subject of any B.V.'s since you last absolved him of any sins. November is a long ways from July! Has he any women(an)? Rumors? And don't say: Jen Maniston, Jess or Lindsay, 'cause we know those are all jokes. Anyone real?
—Deanna

Dear No Hatin':
G.B. is not the type to have a steady gal by his side. He wants to settle down about as much as John Mayer does. And please, why would I be jealous of him? He can't even pick up girls, and I don't want to. 

Dear Ted:
Ted, so are Taryn and Robert Pattinson dating on the side, 'cause she made a comment she has seen him more than her family? Which I am hoping is not very much, as you do love your Robsten.
—Arabella

Dear Love Affair:
Don't worry, Taryn and Rob's relaysh is same as with me and R.Pattz, i.e., strictly platonic. Damn. Still, we're both Team Robsten, even if we're both equally insulted Robert didn't as us to take off our clothes. 

Dear Ted:
What is the dirt on Hayden Panettiere? Or is she really as good as she'd like us to believe?
—Luv 

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Dear Ted:
Any dirt on Joe Jonas? And do you think he really did cheat on Taylor Swift? Too bad, I liked them as a couple.
—Phii 

Dear Joe Dirt:
I like Tay-squared better. And no new dirt on Jonas, other than he's in Madrid alone right now. Pity the poor Spaniard chicks there who get treated like he did Taylor. Who does Joe think he is, Doug Reinhardt? And it's just dumb that Joe's still supposed to be so clean and innocent. Give me Nick any day. And as for Swift—how come she always comes out from these Hollywood relayshes unscathed? It's very suspicious, I'm keeping my eye on that cutie.

Dear Ted:
You know, I think Brad Pitt likes his women skinny. Gwyneth Paltrow got even thinner when they were together and so did Jennifer Aniston. I bet Angie lives on celery and lettuce out of fear that if she puts on the pounds, Brad will leave her for a younger, sexier and thinner starlet.
—Hmph 

Dear Nice Catch:
You know, thinking back on it, they all did skinny up while with him. But they don't all share the same eating habits, trust.

Dear Ted:
Did you see the Taylor Lautner interview the other night with Giuliana Rancic? She asks him what he likes to do on a first date, and he mentions that maybe "going to a game, like a hockey game." Oh really? Like the one he went on with Taylor Swift? More proof Tay-Tay is really happening? What do you think?
—Vanness

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Dear Ted:
Was Angie on the mystery diet when she and Brad got together? If so, why would a man want to have a huge family with a less than "healthy" woman? How accurate is the new bio on these two?
—Kesurface

Dear Bust Up Brange:
Yes, Brad very well knew what he was getting into when he ran over to be Jolie's pet.

Dear Ted:
Have Sarah Jessica Parker and hubby Matthew Broderick ever been in one of your blind vices, either together or separately?
—Victoria

Dear Obvious One:
Of course. Innocent, they're not.

Dear Ted:
Who will make it to the altar first: Hayden Christensen, Jensen Ackles or George Eads?
—Fake it

Dear No for Three:
Eads. By default.

Dear Ted:
As everybody else I raved with Robsten's holding hands photo. As you said, in Robsten's terms that was the equivalent to a sex tape. But precisely because of it, can we say that it was an accident? Just a lucky papz in the right place, in the right time? I mean, they're always trying so hard to not appear together like "together" and now this? Or maybe Summit decided to take some advantage? After all, with New Moon's premiere just there, this is sensational, free publicity. Don't misinterpret me, I think it was great, I mean, it was Robsten holding hands!
—Afrodita

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Dear Ted:
Celebrities may or not be "fair game," but Scientology is a religion practiced by millions of housewives, lawyers, students, firemen, doctors and bricklayers, who say it helps them lead happier lives. Maybe it shouldn't be casually slimed in a gossip column.
—John Carmichael

Dear Slime Away:
Thanks to Tom Cruise, and his surprising spiral, it's hard to take anything he backs all that seriously.

Dear Ted:
In Ian Halperin's book on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, he says that Angie and her team waged a mean-spirited campaign against Jennifer Aniston and planted stories to the media about how Jen didn't want kids, etc. Do you think this is true? I mean, it wouldn't shock me, Angie does seem to me a manipulative witch and I can see her doing this, just wanted your thoughts. Come on, Ted, please tell me that Angie hasn't changed at all and this "Mother Teresa" persona she wants us all to believe is one big old act!
—Anc

Dear Bitchalina:
Whether Brange planted stories or not, some of those are in fact true. And hell, no, A.J.'s totally saintly, now, don't you know?

Dear Ted:
Stop trying to make Ashley Greene-Kellan Lutz happen. They are not happening for the fans, it's obvious. You refer to her and Jackson Rathbone as ex flames, are they still friends though?
—Bella

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Dear Ted:
Do you think Angelina Jolie has an eating disorder? Nobody can be so skinny after having three babies. Love Ya!
—Lieb 

Dear Bones 'n' All:
She's on what we call a mystery diet. Think about it.

Dear Ted:

With all of the hoopla over Jensen Ackles getting engaged, people are speculating that one reason is that this will be Supernatural's last season. If this is indeed true, what do you think that means for Jackles (or Padackles, as I prefer to call them)? Will their epic bromance stand the test of time and new-found distance? Or will it fade into oblivion as so many friendships do?
—Next-door neighbors

Dear Bye-Bye Bromance:
If it's true bromance, they'll stay together. Have some faith!

Dear Ted:
Michael Lohan leaked those tapes for the same reason he is "friends" with Jon Gosselin: attention! He can't get any for any of his own accomplishments, so he has to mooch it off of everyone else. I am surprised he doesn't go around photo-bombing people!
—Amanda F., NYC

Dear Lohan So Yesterday:
He's an attention whore, just like his daughter...actually just like his whole fam. But we're all over it. Daddy Lohan needs to get the picture.

Dear Ted:
Are Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson just really good friends or "really good friends"?
—J.D.

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Dear Ted:
What ever happened to the Lance Armstrong, Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey bicycling group? Was one of the trio not manly enough?
—Poga 

Dear The Three Amigos:
Which one, babe? Jake and Matt's time right now is clearly all taken up by their gals and kids. They're both on tight leashes. Not to worry, though, they still bike 'n' sweat together, just not as often as we'd like to see. And Lance gets in on the buddy action, too, just not as much now that he's rethinking running for political office.

Dear Ted:
Why would celebrities risk their reputation to have an affair with those that will ultimately sell them out to the tabloids? Don't the celebs know that most people who will sleep with them are opportunists?
—Dnnro

Dear Celebs Get Horny, Too:
Who are you talking about anyway, Bristol Palin?

Dear Ted:
So I know that you don't want to talk about Lindsay, but what do you make of Michael's release of the phone calls? Do you really think he has something that will actually make Lindsay get herself straightened out or do you think he is only after exploiting his daughter? He is such a douche, so I wouldn't put it past him to use his daughter for publicity in this way, but I can't help but wonder what we don't know.
—Jryan 

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Suffolk County Police

Dear Ted:
Why is everyone being so hard on Michael Lohan? Obviously leaking those voice mails to the tabloids isn't the best way to go about forcing your daughter to hit rock-bottom, but what else could he do? No other method worked to get her into rehab. Not saying I agree with it 100 percent but hey—leave no stone unturned, right? I say it just may be the push over the edge to get the help she needs. What say you?
—Nichole, Stamford, Conn.

Dear See Your Crazy and Raise You Crazier:
If Michael was really doing it in Lindsay's best interest, sure, I could see your point. But if he really cares he should go over to her house and force the girl into rehab.

Dear Ted:
Was Madonna a subject of a Blind Vice? And do you think Jesus will go Jewish for her?
—Mag

Dear Surprising One:
No, actually, the Queen is exempt. I think Jesus will do whatever the hell she tells him to. He's a sugar baby.

Dear Ted:
I have no doubt in my mind that Robsten is a real couple, and I was loving the hand-holding pics! But their timing for PDA is a little too perfect. I cannot picture Rob or Kristen agreeing to this, but please tell me the paps just got lucky and this was not set up by Summit or one of their reps?
—Sburrow

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Dear Ted:
Can we take a break from the teenage heartthrobs for a bit so I can inquire about a serious actor? One of my faves actually...Benicio del Toro. Ever been a B.V.? Any dirt? I realize he's not the young star du jour (hello R.Pattz) but he's an Academy Award winner and talent is still sexy...right? Thanks!
—Charlotte 

Dear Old School:
Yes, the muy talented Oscar winner is not only a Blind Vice alum, he's also a notorious worshipper of supersexy chicks who wear ever more superhigh stilettos! What is about high heels that turn straight guys on so much? Do they secretly want to wear them? 

Dear Ted:
So first, I wanted to congratulate you for your column, I check it every day. I don't know if this has been asked before but is Toothy Tile Chace Crawford? Because he kinda has the gay vibe going on, doesn't he?
—M_adriana

Dear Chace-ing for T.T.:
Wrong vice for Chacey!

Dear Ted:
I noticed that some of the gossip sites have picked up on the comments made by K.Stew about "I'm with him, I'm not with him, I'm a lesbian"...implying that she is, in fact gay. Do you think she will have to fess up one way or the other? Will Summit wring her neck for that statement? The suits must be s--ting a blue bean. By the way, you seem happier, I am happy for you.
—Sally 

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Dear Ted:
I love your column—it's fun trying to follow the clues. Saturday's column mentioned that Vanefron is almost over because Vanessa Hudgens lied about her nude photos. What did she lie about?
—Ginny

Dear Not Exactly:
They're almost over for many reasons—and they don't necessarily have to do with her nude photos. She's clingy and possessive, for starters. Also, she lied about something having to do with her photos, but I don't want my ass sued by Team Hudgens, so I'm keeping my lips (which have no injections in them of any kind) zipped.

Dear Ted:
George Eads is engaged, and now Jensen Ackles. I see a pattern here...But thumbs up to Matthew Bomer!
—Closet

Dear Wise One:
I must say even I'm a little thrown off by the pattern. Can you enlighten me please?

Dear Ted:
A few questions. First, if Angie is looking for a Brad 2.0, then why doesn't she just keep Brad 1.0? Second, do you think Johnny Depp could actually be swept up by Angie like Brad was? Third, could you give a few names of who you would consider to be a Brad 2.0?
—Rick

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Dear Ted:
I'm a loyal fan, but I can't believe what you wrote in your Rihanna post. Is she brave? Yes. Did she experience something no human or animal should endure? Absolutely. But how on earth can you not point out the timing of this sudden tell-all? It is a transparent PR tactic that her handlers are orchestrating. I am completely offended on behalf of all men, women and children who have experienced abuse. Does the average victim have an opportunity to exploit their ordeal in order to boost record sales and make a couple extra million dollars? No. And please, my darling Ted, spare me the "turning a negative into a positive" angle—Rihanna's handlers should feel ashamed of themselves.
—Helen

Dear I See Your Point:
And of course recognize the blatant timing of it all. But if she influences positively even one woman caught a domestic abuse situation to get out of it by her interview, then that's OK by me.

Dear Ted:
The goings-on with Chris Martin and Josh Duhamel led me to an epiphany. I support gay marriage 100 percent. Why should heteros be the only ones that have to suffer?!
—Bubbley

Dear Random Dots:
I guess...I agree?

Dear Ted:
I'm your No. 1 fan from Greece. As a writer myself, I can't tell you how much I admire your writing style. The way you play with words is just amazing. So my question is this: To me it's obvious that Robsten are an item. Whether you wanna call it friends with benefits, f--k buddies, casual hookups whenever they find some time in their busy schedules, whatever. They are so young, gorgeous, rich, famous, why would they want to commit forever and ever? I understand people's need to see their favorite actors together in real life, but I'm reading comments and questions in your column where people actually want them to get married right now and start producing babies!
—Melina

Dear Not Lost in Translation:
I think it's fans just having fun with it. Rob and Kristen don't let the crazy talk influence them, though.

Dear Ted:
Would a celeb, their PR rep or camp insider (family, friend or hired help) ever post on one of the large message boards with intent to influence public opinion or to spill some dirt anonymously? Let's use Brangie, for example.
—Doubtful

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Dear Ted:
In your last Bitch-Back you said Angelina is waiting for Brad 2.0 to be her next target. Would this 2.0 have to be a younger man (à la Robert Pattinson) or does age not matter? I just heard a rumor that she might be doing a movie with Johnny Depp. Not that he could be lured away, but would he qualify in your book?
—Emmy

Dear Cougar Attack:
Depp def qualifies. We'll see what happens in their new film together...think we're gonna see a repeat of Pitt-Aniston situation?

Dear Ted:
Remember how a few weeks ago you spoke about a certain Twi castmember that would be talking about going gay? Did you happen to catch Nikki Reed's line in U.K. Glamour? If not, allow me to refresh your memory. When asked if she believes in soul mates she said: "I believe in multiple people. People are born with this desire to connect, that's why with girls the line is blurry. Is it a friendship? Is it a relationship?" Was she saying girls are a bunch of teases, or was she finally confessing to swaying the other way?
—Kanderson 

Dear Niksten:
Hey, she was close with Kristen; then that kinda died when Rob came into the picture. I'm saying it means something other than what we all think. There's definitely a story coming up for sure! But no, Nikki is neither Terry Tush-Trade or Rocky Trailer. 

Dear Ted:
Who's going to be People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive this year? Toothy Tile? Has he ever held that title?
—Mackenzie 

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Dear Ted:
Am I the only one that found it ironic when Natalie Portman basically compared eating meat to condoning rape, considering that as a signer of the Roman Polanski petition she actually is condoning rape? I like her as an actress but that kind of crap is seriously making me rethink.
—Bridget 

Dear Pissed Off Portman:
Now, I love N.P., but I'm not a fan of some of her beliefs. Obviously, the comparison exists, and it's not a great one. Maybe she should say she's sorry like I did.

Dear Ted:
I know you keep saying Tay-Tay is for publicity, but are they emotionally and physically attracted to each other? I love Tay-Tay.
—Jamie 

Dear Hopes for TaySquared:
Duh—they are horny teenagers, after all.

Dear Ted:
I am what is referred to as a "Balehead" because I am somewhat of a Christian Bale fan...OK maybe an obsessed fan! I have to know: Has Christian Bale ever been a B.V.?
—Tex  

Dear B-Brain:
So are members of Team Awful. But the answer's no. What needs to be blinded about that boy's issues? They're already out there!

Dear Ted:
OK, I get the whole I'm a young celebrity who is trying to be a badass stoner, but its totally getting old. I don't care what people think of me either but damn, Kristen Stewart, a shower and stylist wouldn't kill you. And I also get the whole hush-hush about Robert Pattinson and Kristen being together or not. She's on the big screen and if Kristen didn't want people knowing about how effed up she was, then she should have been a waitress.
—Cherry

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