As wooden as the ugly title character, this seriously cracked Nutcracker features Elle Fanning and Nathan Lane as her fright-wigged Uncle Albert Einstein. How random is that theory of relativity? Fans of Tchaikovsky's ballet will be bummed there's not a tutu, pas de deux, or dancing snowflake in sight. Instead, we get rat soldiers riding motorcycles and robo-copters with their machine guns blaring. Ugh, shoot us now.