Thank you, last night’s episode of America’s Next Top Model, for your insightful exploration of the inner world of a professional model. So, for the record: thinking about fields and pastures makes you look “dumb,” thinking about yourself and only yourself makes you look like Tyra Banks. Got it.

As we’re sure many of you had occasion to observe via your Internet portals, WNBC anchor Sue Simmons soaked herself with a flagon of hot water this week when she inexplicably shouted out an expletive while her microphone was on. She later apologized for the uncharacteristic flare-up but the mystery of what caused her to lose her cool was conspicuously not revealed.

For those few of you out there who haven't been emailed this a dozen times already, here’s the clip.

(Warning! The baddest of the bad words contained herein.)

Since the clip’s divulgence, no one has been able to deduce exactly what happened on the other side of that camera to prompt the off-color, on-air outburst. Until now, that is. Our very well-connected Research and Blackmail Department here at The Soup Blog has scooped the entirety of media and cracked the case, albeit, in the wholly made-up, no-basis-in-truth sort of manner you should be accustomed to from us by now.

Here then, for the first time ever, is disclosed the object of Sue Simmons flustered inquisition and, boy, it's a doozy. To be honest, after seeing this clip, we involuntarily spewed forth a chain of epithets unheard of outside the time we asked Joel McHale if he might just clean up his desk area a bit.

(Warning! Sensitive viewers may find the following images disturbing.)

What better way to familiarize yourself with all the running jokes and inside shots of The Soup and, this, its companion blog, than through a simplistic rhyming scheme? Please think of this alphabetical poem as less of a journey and more of a humorless learning process. We're all about avoiding fun these days.

A is for Archuletta, it’s likely that he’ll win.

B is for Bonaduce, he usually smells of gin.

C is for the Chihuahua, Lou makes our show complete.

D is for Dutch Oven, in which we’ll cook his meat.

E is for the Eagle Man, and the insurance he bequeaths.

F is for Sir Flavor Flav, how does he brush those teeths?

G is for Good Morning, in the news this morning, good morning.

H is for The Hills, et al, their lives serve as a warning.

I is for I Love New York, it’s like an anti-Spike Lee.

J is for Jewbacca, is he offensive? Very likely.

K is for Kardashians, a big ass and a sex tape.

L is for La Madrastra, where mascara makes escape.

M is for the Maxi-Pad, dancing with Mankini.

N is for No No Nu-Nu, Gi-Gi, Ju-Ju Panini.

O is for Oprah of course, because she simply wills it.

P is for the Pickle Girl, her bib covered in dill spit.

Q is for the QVC, Jeanne Bice’s mad bedazzler skill.

R is for The Real World, is that show even on still?

S is for Sanjaya’s fan, the girl in pigtails, crying.

T is for Tila Tequila, while feminism’s dying.

U is for the Unicorn, tattooed on Joel’s chest.

V is for Va-Jay-Jay, as per Oprah’s request.

W is for Willard Scott, he often needs translating.

X is for Xenu, Hail!, all Thetans Operating.

Y is for Yo Gabba Gabba, no one dances like Nathaniel.

Z is for Zeacrest, yeah, I know this poem really ends poorly.

(Yes, sure, you probably could do better. Feel free to put your own similarly constructed rhyming couplets in the comments section below. We'll judge you, but only very, very harshly.)

On last night’s episode of Hell’s Kitchen, the unthinkable happened. Deadly kitchen fire? Nope. Salmonella poisoning? Not yet. Tiny French rat discovered beneath one of the remaining chef’s toques? Ha ha, we are hilarious, but no. Gordon Ramsey actually complimented a contestant’s dish! Stop the garlic presses! Though, it’s still too early for us to rule out the praise as an extremely dry bit of sarcasm—“Matt, three episodes back, when I told you that your risotto was delicious, I was %#@$ lying you sodding piece of #$%@!” Not only does Matt manage to embellish Chef Ramsey’s words—“best risotto of the night” becomes “best risotto he ever had”—but watch as he boasts to his colleague, offers her a taste, thinks better of it and walks away with the spoon in his own mouth. Yes, Matt, you’ve proven you can make a decent risotto, but the recipe for your self-aggrandizing speech is lacking in one vital ingredient...an Oscar statuette! Get back in the kitchen and don’t come out until you’re Halle Berry.

E! Networks

Hello, Blog fans! Today we are as pleased as we assume that we can be to premiere two all-new photo galleries of all-old pictures. If you haven't yet looked at our photo gallery department...may we now direct your attention to the very thing? It's rather easily arrived at by clicking "photos" in the navbar—that's computer for navigation bar—above this post or on "Soup Galleries" found in a column on the right side of the screen, probably underneath an ad for either Neiman Marcus or Steak-Umms.

New to the Gallery:

Soup Shot:  A few of the funniest and most readily available snapshots and screen captures from your third to fourth favorite, first-rate, secondhand TV show.

What's Lou Got to Do WIth It?  Because we had a nagging recollection of someone once demanding it, here's a gallery exclusively dedicated to The Soup's unpaid, unofficial mascot, Lou, a Chihuahua.

Elsewhere in the Gallery:  Lotsa shotsa Joel McHale.

Last night’s season finale of The Bachelor practically oozed with love. All over the place. Lots and lots of ooze. Will our lucky couple—Matt something-or-other and Shayne(?) someone—be a romance for the ages as they seem to believe, or will their brief candle be snuffed out in a fierce wind of paychecks and regret? Tough to say, but based on the audible moistness of the bussing in this clip, we’re sure it’ll remain a thoroughly disgusting-to-listen-through-headphones affair.

Yesterday afternoon’s press conference finally made it official: Jimmy Fallon will be the new host of NBC’s Late Night, once Conan O’Brien departs to take over The Tonight Show in the middle of 2009. While Fallon’s name has been bandied about for the last few years as a possible heir to the helm, he had to first beat out a long list of similarly unexciting contenders for the gig, the least of which was none other than your own Blogmaster General, Clog Narter.

Yes, you read it right, right-readers, we held the tarnished brass ring in our clammy grip for a few brief moments this winter before the heads of NBC ultimately instructed us to get both real and lost.

Since the dream has irreversibly died, we may as well reveal to you the previously top-secret memorandum containing the entirety of our star-spangled plans for the stillborn Late Night with Clog Narter. If only the imagination jodhpurs of those unnamed television executives had been just a tad roomier, you might have seen the following status-smashing talk-show innovations broadcast directly into your home from an orbiting satellite, instead of from the gray-carpeted cubicle walls of a pallid contract employee's desk.

Ten Amazing Ideas for Late Night with Clog Narter

1. Cohost, Jay Leno.
2. Instead of interviewing celebrity guests, we’ll talk about them as if they weren’t there.
3. New theme song to be written for and performed by feral cats.
4. Recurring bit: “What’s NHL Hall of Famer Ken Dryden Think About That?”
5. A much more relaxed and casual format. No desk, no suit. No audience, no guests. Entire show performed during bath-time nap.
6. Opening monologue won’t just be jokes, it will also include a complete airline safety demonstration.
7. First guest: Alex Trebek. Every other guest: also Alex Trebek.
8. Thursday is 2-for-1 Spaghetti Dinner Night. Kids Eat Free!
9. Opening credits sequence 20 minutes long to weed out the newcomers and looky loos.
10. Possible spin-off: Wake Up! Your House is on Fire! with Clog Narter

[Many of you commented on certain mysterious changes noticed during last week's episode of The Soup. Head Writer and Executive Producer, KP Anderson, wades shin-deep into the blog to respond.]

Hi everyone. As you may have read or heard, Joel McHale is on location in Illinois shooting a movie, and we are coming to him to shoot the show at a secret, undisclosed location in St. Louis. As you know, we don’t take much time off from the show and are, in fact, slowly trying to destroy Joel the way they did Judy Garland. At any rate, the thing about secret, undisclosed locations is that they seldom come with the same studio lighting, makeup and wardrobe we get when we play on our home field. So that would probably account for the astute observations you've all made regarding Joel’s look.

Mostly, it’s a lighting issue that we will be trying to adjust as we head back to St. Louis this week for our second, and final, shoot out there. The staff and crew at the secret, undisclosed location are awesome and have treated us incredibly well as did the small but lively audience who were held at gunpoint and forced to watch.

As for Joel’s chest hair, I know. You should smell it.

We leave you now to your posts and promise to never read again. Seriously, say what you feel no matter how it hurts us. We don’t even look at it. Ever.

Best,
KP Anderson
Exec Producer/Head Writer
Location Studio Lighting Expert

AP Photo/Ric Feld

Oh look, it's Friday, and that means it time to take another lucky dip into The Soup's mail pouch and see which missives we've been missing. As always, if we haven't answered your question here, it was only due to the limits of time and space and probably not out of an unresolved act of vengeance. Unless your name is Mindy Cohn. Yes, we're still holding a grudge. Some things can never be forgiven.

vacrn127 asks: Hey, I am a huge fan of the show, and I live across the street from E! studios. Wondering if you give any tours or allow people to watch taping.

You are more than welcome to continue watching tapings in the same manner that you always have, via a high-powered telescope which you keep on your balcony. If we could ask one thing of you though, please, just tighten up the belt on that bathrobe a bit.

conlan27 asks: Have you considered changing the name of "Chat Stew" segment to "Crock of Chat"?

Not yet. But let's consider it now. Hmmm. OK, and we're done here.

buggie98 asks: I think the soup is the best show on the planet but what I want to know is if you have any bloopers and if so please send them to me

Keep Reading

Well, if you aren't thoroughly offended, disgusted, discomfited or spent, you can watch this clip and more of a perhaps similar character on tonight's episode of The Soup.

Corbis, iStock

This morning, while jogging through the Internet’s myriad vaults, we stumbled onto a Reuters/Hollywood Reporter interview with Fox president of alternative entertainment Mike Darnell. It's he who must bear ultimate responsibility for such reality television nadirs as Who’s Your Daddy?, Temptation Island, The Swan and, most recently, The Moment of Truth. No doubt, badges of pride to him, all.

It’s an enjoyable interview; Mr. Darnell is well-spoken and we found his bald-faced forthrightness rather amusing. It took until the piece’s penultimate exchange before we were stunned back into real reality and forced to question our complicity as media consumers.

Read on with caution, as we didn't make this next part up.

Darnell: Female Prison Beauty Pageant. It was done in Croatia and is a big number waiting to happen. It's empowering to women; it's empowering to prisoners. The whole idea of going from prisoner to hot babe is interesting.

Female Prison Beauty Pageant? Really? In spite of Mr. Darnell’s claim, we fail to see how this could possibly be empowering to either women or prisoners, much less both. And, even so, we aren't convinced it’s really such a good idea to empower prisoners. Seems kind of like the opposite of what you’d want to achieve there.

Of course, following this logic to the finish line, the season finale could be amazing!

Just imagine: a maddened throng of hardened female criminals, decked out in shimmering ball gowns and sparkling tiaras, vengeance-filled invectives spilling from their rubied lips! They storm the warden’s office and set fire to the guard’s station. An appropriated cargo van bursts through the chain-link fence surrounding the penitentiary! Behind the wheel, Miss Incarcerated 2008 bears down on the film crew. Grips, camera operators and craft services scatter! One man maintains his resolve, seemingly apathetic to the certain doom coming down hard upon him. It is, of course, Fox president of alternative entertainment Mike Darnell. The van comes to a sudden and screeching halt—the front bumper just inches away from the blood-rusted, pitchfork-gripped in Mr. Darnell’s left hand. Sprouting a pair of massive, leathery wings, he lifts his cloven hooves from the sodden earth beneath him and sends a blazing rain of hellfire down upon the whole lot beneath him. Souls screaming in agony! Ratings through the roof.

Yesterday we mocked you, Jason Castro, and in today’s clip, you see the results through your strange, emotionless glassy-eyed stare. Sail on, sailor. Though your fans may have abandoned you, your peers physically dragged away by a seemingly terrified host—watch how Seacrest keeps himself and Syesha out of striking range—just know that you’ll always have a place in the hearts of...Oh, we’ve already forgotten who we’re talking about here.