We don't do drugs, OK. We just don't. We wrote an essay for D.A.R.E. in like fourth grade that got selected to read in front of the entire school, which means that we do not and have never done drugs.
We're also now all grown up and no longer impressionable teens, but if we were impressionable teens who didn't write essays for D.A.R.E., we'd have some trouble not being kind of intrigued by the new thing in/on Riverdale: a drug called Jingle Jangle.
We don't know exactly what Jingle Jangle is supposed to be, but it's apparently an upper, and apparently you consume it through Pixy Stix, which looks fun AF. Remember how fun it was to eat Pixy Stix? It shouldn't look that fun to do drugs, right?
It also shouldn't look kind of sexy to go boating with your twin brother, but hey, this is Riverdale.
In tonight's episode, Reggie (Charles Melton) first sold some to Midge (Emilija Baranac), so she and Moose (Cody Kearsley) could have a good time (which went...badly), and then he offered it to Archie (KJ Apa) as a way of keeping him awake and vigilant after his father's shooting.
Unfortunately, regardless of how good an actor anyone is or how straight a face they can keep, nobody can say "Jingle Jangle" without sounding absolutely ridiculous. With that, we take no issue, because sometimes the most ridiculous lines are also the best lines on this show, but now we're worried that because they've used Jingle Jangle as the name of the drug, they're not going to use it in the way that name is actually used in Archie canon: As the name of a slightly lesser known song by Archie's band, The Archies.
The song came out in 1969, the same year as "Sugar Sugar," and peaked at number 10 on the Billboard Hot 100, because while The Archies was a band made up of cartoon characters, it was also a real band made up of rotating musicians.
Can't you already hear the Riverdale cover? If they can make Kelis' "Milkshake" as cute and simultaneously creepy as they did tonight, then there's got to be something fun they can do with "Jingle Jangle," especially if it involves drugs, even if we're still not entirely sure what that drug is supposed to do.
All we really want is a drug trip episode where the entire cast sings that song and hops across rivers with dancing dogs, and we don't think that's too much to ask!
Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on the CW.