Review in a Hurry: War—what is it good for? Apparently, in this pointless, gory flick, it's just an excuse to revive John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, who also cowrote and directed) as a 61-year-old, pudgy killing machine out to rescue some clueless missionaries in the jungles of Burma. In other words: absolutely nothing.
The Bigger Picture: Rambo is living in Thailand, catching snakes for a living. (Not a joke.) A group of future corpses—sorry, religious aid workers—wants to hire him to go into war-torn Burma (actually called Myanmar now, but why get hung up on details?) to deliver medical supplies and Bibles. He's reluctant—or narcoleptic, it's hard to tell. But the conveniently smoking-hot Sara (Julie Benz) convinces him. Of course, they're promptly captured by the evil Burmese as soon as they're out of his sight.
Their pastor from back home hires a group of mercenaries armed with guns and thick accents to retrieve them. Rambo decides to get in on the action. After he does a little blacksmith work, of course. (Again, not a joke.)
The movie strains mightily to dress itself up in some kind of political meaning. And you've got to hand it to Stallone: It takes brass balls for the guy who made First Blood Part II to now decry the senseless brutality of war.
But all the rape and bloodshed is only a cue for Rambo to start the serious killing. Bullets tear through bodies, gobbets of flesh fly right at the camera, and Rambo dusts off his trusty old bow-and-arrow set.
The problem is, even as mindless violence, the movie fails. Stallone looks like an overcooked Ball Park frank, plump to bursting, his jaw protruding so far it makes it hard for him to speak...or even close his mouth. It takes too long to get to the action, and Rambo is absent from the screen for long periods, like he was catching a nap between scenes.
Which, if you do happen to find yourself trapped in this movie, actually might not be a bad idea.
The 180—a Second Opinion: In the end, Rambo finally goes home. God willing, he'll stay there.