Ladies and gentlemen, The Bachelorette is back. 

Rachel Lindsay made her official debut tonight, and a whole lot of weirdos showed up in the hopes of winning her heart. Some of them are lovable weirdos, some of them are just weird weirdos, and some of them need to go immediately. 

We've all heard about the whaboom guy, but we don't even hate him as much as we hated AJ, the creepy puppet version of Adam. And at least whaboom guy was respectful of Rachel's personal space and didn't try to pick her up or tickle her. 

And you know what? He was entertaining. And he and his tank top provided Rachel with some laughter in the midst of a whole bunch of nervous dudes in suits, declaring the whaboom guy their worst enemy on night one when whaboom guy's just there to have a good time, ya know? 

Now make no mistake—we hate him, but we hate him less than we hate some of the other guys so far. At least Rachel didn't hand him the first impression rose or let out a whaboom alongside him. 

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ABC

Is whaboom guy the new Corinne? That's unclear. Corinne didn't become full Corinne until a couple episodes in while whaboom guy has obviously already reached his final form. But of course, he got a rose, so we're in for a ride. 

Roses also went to Peter, Will, Jack Stone, Jamey, Demario, Iggy, Eric, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake E., and Rachel's first impression winner, Bryan. 

That means whaboom guy, the penguin, the drummer, the wrestler, and the guy whose name is Jack Stone will all live another day, like a bad joke. 

In an effort to celebrate the variety of contestants we met tonight, we present to you the Bachelorette Premiere Awards! 

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ABC

Best Pretend Lawyering

Straight out of a TV courtroom, but it's the glance towards the prosecution that really seals this line. 

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ABC

Worst Pretend Lawyering

Josiah is not an actor. Sorry, Josiah. 

Honorable Mention: Jack "I think we're going to try and get this closed next week if that's OK with you guys" Stone

Bachelorette premiere gifs

ABC

Most Unnecessary Action Hero Name

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ABC

Best Twin Peaks Gif

Sorry, that whaboom you like is never going to come back in style. 

Bachelorette premiere gifs

ABC

Most Unexpected Backstory

Josiah had to cut his dead brother down from a tree when he was seven years old, turned to a life of crime, and got arrested before becoming a lawyer! What a comeback! 

Bachelorette premiere gifs

ABC

Worst Penis (Probably)

Just because he's the only guy who talked about the quality of his penis (and talked about not wanting to be a guy who talks about the quality of his penis), we're going to guess Blake E.'s not as amazing as he thinks he is. 

Bachelorette premiere gifs

ABC

Best Overcompensation 

An entire marching band?! Blake's gonna be one of those guys who carrries drumsticks around all season, isn't he? 

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ABC

Best Guitar and Worst Guitar 

Lee's gonna be one of those guys who carries a guitar around all season, isn't he? 

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ABC

Best Dancing 

We'll miss you and your Bollywood skills, Mohit. 

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ABC

Best Suit 

Here for this blue plaid, Peter! 

 

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ABC

Best Use of a Foreign Language 

Hellooooo Bryan. 

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ABC

Best Urkel Impression

 

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ABC

Best Blast from the Past

But would you date a guy who was a third grader when you were an eighth grader? We're strugglin'. 

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ABC

Worst Thing Ever

Tickling is pure evil. Honestly the "tickle monster" might be worse than the Whaboom. 

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ABC

We Spoke Too Soon, Actual Worst Thing Ever 

Adam, get out. Get out immediately. 

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ABC

Best Callback/Use of Cleaning Appliance 

Honestly, how were there not like 30 guys dancing with vacuum cleaners as a callback to Rachel's intro package from last year? 

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ABC

Worst Use of Public Resources 

Jedediah, what if someone dies and you've tied up an ambulance for your own selfish purposes?! 

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ABC

Second Worst Attack on Personal Space 

The tickling was bad, but don't pick a girl up the first time you meet her, Bryce. (And don't make transphobic comments either, Bryce.)

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ABC

Best Gob Bluth Impression 

Jamey had a real issue with a man in a tank top getting more attention than Jamey, the man in the $2,000 suit with the perfect hair and the perfect facial features. Those are all real ways he described himself! 

Bachelorette premiere gifs

ABC

Worst Meme Reference 

No thank you. 

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. 

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