"As I'm sure you're aware, one of your flock has strayed," he writes. "A Miss Paris Hilton, who is, I believe, a resident of Beverley Hills [sic], is in England doing a reality game show for ITV2 called Paris Hilton's British Best Friend. Fine. I have no problem with that. I don't have to watch. But now it has come to my attention that she has bought a house in North London a few miles from me, and is out and about ingratiating herself with the Great British public."
The Extras star then explains why this is a matter of international diplomacy requiring the president's immediate attention.
"We are not stupid," he says. "This is clearly a retaliatory strike for Posh Spice moving to L.A. I know it, and you know it, so let's cut the 'it's a free country' nonsense and come to some agreement."
Then comes Gervais' proposal, suggesting he and Obama call the women and tell them about "a giant 'paparazzi nest' " in New York.
"Once we get them there, while they are having their photos taken (we will have hire a few guys with cameras to make it look good) we will swap their limos around. It's foolproof."
While the Office originator is obviously a brilliant conspirator, one large question remains unaddressed in his "covert operation": Do we even want Paris back?