We all know Full House for its lighter moments. When Danny is so obsessed with cleaning that he vacuums his vacuum with a smaller vacuum. When Joey is literally the worst comic ever but somehow still gets the entire family to crack up. When Michelle eats ice cream sundaes and throws out the requisite "You got it dude!"
But the show wasn't all rainbows and lollipops and group hugs. No, it had a dark side. A side that led to episodes so utterly serious that they shook the audience to their very cores. We were left but broken humans, unsure how to go on in this new world order where bad things happen to the Tanners.
Luckily, the bad things never lasted very long. Like, not even an entire episode. Even when there was a death, people weren't even that sad about it by the time the closing credits rolled, because Joey did his Popeye impression or Danny fell over like a cartoon character. But regardless, it's time to pay homage to these serious moments, lest they get lost in the archives of the past.
The time DJ gets pressured to drink beer at a school dance:
It's middle school, which means that dances are mostly just standing around in poor florescent lighting, drinking punch and not talking to your date. Unless you are Kevin, in which case your date will be DJ Tanner and you will spend your middle school dance night trying to share one beer with your friends out in the hallway and then spraying it all over DJ when she tries to tell you what a pill you are. And if you are DJ, your uncle (who just happens to be a chaperon because this is Full House) will enter the hallway immediately afterwards, smell the already-stale beer, and accuse you of not only trying to drink but also lying about it. Cue DJ up in her room, crying about how no one believes her. It's a great lesson that you should never be pressured to drink at a school dance, but if you are, do it in the back of the locker room where you're less likely to get caught.
The time Stephanie gets pressured to smoke in the school bathroom:
Stephanie here has learned from her older sister. By the time she arrives at middle school, she's having her girl gang peer pressure moments in the bathroom like a normal 7th grader. Her new "friends," otherwise known as the cast of The Craft, are toking on cigs in between class and doing their best to bully her into doing the same. She resists because she is a Tanner, but must then face relentless name-calling and jeers. It's hard being perfect.
The time they introduced us to Papouli and then three minutes later he freaking died:
WTF, Full House writers? This episode was a literal stab right through the heart. One minute we're laughing with Jesse's grandfather Papouli, learning Greek dances in the living room and having lighthearted flour fights in the kitchen. Then the next thing we know it's tomorrow morning and Papouli has died in his sleep. Died! Not only do we have to watch Jesse wrestle with this grief monster, but Michelle has to learn, like, what death actually is. That's cold, Full House.
The time Michelle falls off her horse and almost dies:
Just kidding. She literally doesn't have a scratch on her, but she does get amnesia for like a full day. It's the closest Full House ever gets to a daytime soap. Extra points for Michelle's pristine riding outfit.
The time Stephanie's friends got in a car accident:
This is the episode in which Full House teaches us the audience about responsible driving. Do: Study very heard for your learner's permit and your driver's license, and obey all traffic signals. Don't: Joyride through narrow freeway tunnels and pull donuts on the edge of a cliff.
The time Stephanie gets earthquake PTSD:
Let us catch you up real quick: There is a very minimal earthquake. Danny is gone at work while it happens. Stephanie gets PTSD and becomes convinced that if Danny ever leaves her side again the world will erupt in a fiery blaze. Stephanie goes to a therapist, draws on an easel, and is miraculously cured with the wave of but a single crayon.
The time DJ has a day-long eating disorder:
In which DJ learns that the way to get a last-minute bikini bod for a pool party is not to skip all your meals and then exercise for the first time in your life. It will result in you fainting on whatever that prehistoric exercise machine is called. This all culminates in a wonderful and touching speech by Becky about how to love your body, which would be a lot more meaningful if it were coming from anybody but literally the most naturally perfect-looking person in the family.