Ethan Miller/Getty Images for Caesars EntertainmentIf 2015 was the year of the diss track, this one just took the cake.
Of course, it's worth opening with the fact that it's almost certainly fake. But when a diss track is this good, who cares about the authenticity? Just listen to the masterpiece.
The song in question is called "Donkey Sauce Flow" by Guy Fieri. Actually make that a probable Guy Fieri knockoff. Complex Music announced the "release" of the chef's "mixtape" this morning, and it's safe to say it is blowing up.
Fieri the Magician really blacked out on "Donkey Sauce Flow" ???? ?? ???? https://t.co/r8C096Zp09 #GuyFieriMixtape pic.twitter.com/8bgIgWVngS
? Complex Music (@ComplexMusic) December 22, 2015The first single off the (hopefully) forthcoming album The Mayor of Flavortown hits hard at all of Fieri's sworn enemies. There's a diss for Anthony Bourdain, a diss for his haters, and a diss for Pete Wells, author of the greatest New York Times dining review takedown of all time. And as much as Fieri claims to hate Mr. Bourdain, it seems he has picked up on the irreverent host's love for cussing—this song is certainly not for kids.
"I'm a bleach blonde gourmand, f--k what ya heard/ My daily calorie count is f--king absurd," starts the first verse, before later launching into a few of the aforementioned disses:
"Let me tell you 'bout a s--t stain stuck to my shoe/ Fan-thony Bourdain, this Hi-Life's for you/ Got my name in his mouth like some gourmet ants/ Thinkin' he's Robuchon 'cause he's been to France/ You're a fan, a phony, a fake, a punk, a stan/ I still whoop your ass and I got a better tan."
Did we hear a...burn?
A few other favorite rhymes include the Pulitzer worthy "Like my app platters like girls, two at a time" and "If it don't involve Cinnabons, I ain't that impressed." Have a listen for yourself below and start applauding whoever had the ingenuity to pull off the best Guy Fieri impression since Chrissy Teigen.