by Dominique Haikel | Fri., Jan. 1, 2016 6:00 AM
If you're anything like us and don't understand, don't have time to see, or don't give a flying Falcon about Star Wars: The Force Awakens, but still want to seem cool, read on. We've put together an easy to swallow guide to the latest film as told by GIF's from the show you do care about, The Hills. After all, you don't want to be that person ringing in the new year who doesn't know the difference between Ren and Rey, do you? Trust us—we were that girl—and the answer is no. We saw it, so you don't have to, and to the best of our memory, we're going to hit you with the highlights. You're welcome.
So, okay. This vintage hottie (old but in a hot way) named Luke Skywalker (Leia's brother and OG Star Wars character) is MIA, and everybody be wildin' out trying to find him. This nice dude with a chic leather jacket named Poe (relation to the Teletubby unknown) is sent on a mission to this desert planet called Jakku or something. The point is if TSA confiscated your oversized bottle of face lotion before you flew to this place, your dewy complexion would be history. Anyway, this poor Poe guy is sent there because he's gotta meet up with this dude-bro who has a missing piece of the map to Luke's whereabouts. This is basically the gist of the whole story. You follow so far?
All of a sudden, while Poe and the dude-bro are doing their business, some cray-ass shiz goes down. The desert planet gets attacked by Stormtroopers (those bad guys in the so-last-season white armor) who are led by Kylo Ren (way bad guy who kinda looks like Darth Vader but is actually the son of Leia and Han Solo). Think of Kylo Ren as being similar to Justin Bobby's character. He's kind of a butthole, but when he takes off his mask (like Justin takes off his motorcycle helmet) we find out he's actually super effing hot, so it makes it kind of hard to hate him entirely.
Poe has this adorbs little robotic sidekick named BB-8 that looks like it should be in the cast of WALL-E. During the attack, Poe gives BB-8 the map he got from that dude-bro and orders him to dip out with it. They have a touching emo moment where Poe says he promises they will reunite in the future. BB-8 rolls away in sorrow while Poe is taken prisoner by the bad guys. You guys, it was almost as sad as watching Justin Bobby ditch Audrina Patridge at that one party as he rolled away on his motorcycle into the sunset.
Fortunately for our adorable little robo-butterball, he (she? it?) rolls right on into Rey, our kick-ass main character chilling on Jakku. Rey is a total power chick, who doesn't take shiz from anyone, a lot like Lauren Conrad. She fights off sketchy robbers who try to jack BB-8 for parts, like when LC told off Heidi Montag for being shady AF.
While Poe is prisoner, a Stormtrooper named FN-2187, in the midst of an identity crisis, befriends him, and offers to help them escape. They bust outta da Finalizer (this evil giant black ship thing) together, and Poe renames his new friend "Finn" in order to help him ease into living his new best life. Aww. Sadly, they crash on that one super dry Jakku planet from earlier, and Finn loses sight of Poe. He strips off his Stormtrooper armor and takes Poe's chic leather jacket as his own, setting off into the distance a changed man. Kinda like when Heidi got all that work done and basically became a new person.
On his desert quest, Finn meets BB-8 and Rey. Although their initial encounter gives us serious Spiedi vs. Lauren vibes, they end up putting aside their differences and all become pals. Thank effing God too because the bad guys end up finding out that BB-8 (and the map he holds to Luke Skywalker) is chillin' on that planet. The three of them have no choice but to escape on this rusty-ass ship thing called the Millennium Falcon. Think back to that dark time when Jason Wahler and Lauren used to date. The Falcon was deteriorating faster than that relationship.
Of course, because it's all old and worn out, the three homies run into some technical issues. The ole Falc was acting out like Spencer Pratt used to before he discovered healing crystals. After they fixed the issue, they find that they've got company. Han Solo and Chewbacca show up out of nowhere, and the audience goes wild. Literally you guys, people clapped in the theater. Remember when Steven Colletti from Laguna Beach made a cameo on The Hills to hang out with Lauren? It was like that, times ten.
The new crew decides to become pals and help the other out. They travel to Takodana and end up at this total party bar situation called Maz's Castle. To put it into perspective, hanging out at Maz's Castle is the Star Wars equivalent of when The Hills kids used to party at Les Deux.
While the crew is meeting with Maz, (who BTW is played by Lupita Nyong'o and will blow your mind), both Finn and Rey have separate millennial tweak-outs and run off into the distance. Finn freaks out and decides to abandon the posse and their mission, and Rey flips out because she's being called to use Luke Skywalker's old light saber and like totally cannot deal with that kind of pressure. We feel you, girl.
Some nasty-ass looking alien thing tips off the bad guys when he spots BB-8 and the crew at Maz's
Playboy Mansion Castle. Suddenly the bad guys attack and Rey is captured by Kylo (Justin Bobby) and the crew.
Finn gets over himself and teams back up with the remaining Rey-less crew. The posse dips out of the party scene and have a whole "reunited, and it feels so good" moment with Leia (the iconic princess with the chic hair buns), R2-D2 (the blue and white robot) and C-3PO (the gold robot guy). The moment is a total touching tear-jerker.
The OG crew and the newbs, unite to make a plan to defeat the bad guys, and off they go. This is where things get so brutally real, though. Get ready for major stab-in-the-heart stuff. Just like when Lauren confronted Heidi about Spencer's sucky personality, Han does the same with his son Kylo Ren and pays for it with his life. In an effort to bring her back to the light side, LC tried to convince Heidi she doesn't have to go to the dark side (aka be with Spencer) to be happy. When Han gives the same talk to his son, Kylo stabs his own father with his lightsaber and Han, presumably falls to his death. NOOOOO.
Then a big ole fight breaks out because Han's crew is like way pissed that Kylo killed him. All of a sudden we're watching Rey fight Ren with Luke's lightsaber like it's LC vs. Heidi all over again. Rey ends up kicking Ren's evil (but cute) booty, as Chewie arrives to rescue Finn (who passed out trying to defeat Ren first) and Rey from the battle. SLAY.
The posse mourns the loss of Han but, on the bright side, R2-D2 wakes up (he went into an emo slumber when his buddy Luke went missing) and discovers he has the rest of the map to Luke Skywalker. R2-D2 and BB-8 put their maps together to solve the puzzle of Luke's disappearance. As Leia wishes the force be with her, Rey sets out to follow the map to Luke. Rey finds Luke on the edge of an epic cliff, cloak blowing in the wind like Justin Bobby's hair on the open road. She hands over his lightsaber and it's just like the series finale of The Hills. We're left stunned and wondering what's to come.
Boom. Now you're smart enough to lead all future Star Wars conversations, right!?
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