Sarah Silverman Opens Up About Battle With Depression, Reconsiders Saying She Never Wants Children

"I do have sorrow about the possibility that I may never have my own children," she says

It's hard to describe depression to someone who has never experienced it.

Sarah Silverman tells Glamour her stepfather once asked what it felt like. Her response? "It feels like I'm desperately homesick, but I'm home."

The 44-year-old actress has struggled with depression off and on since she was 13. "I was walking off a bus from a school camping trip," she recalls. "The trip had been miserable: I was, sadly, a bed wetter, and I had Pampers hidden in my sleeping bag—a gigantic and shameful secret to carry. My mom was there to pick me up, and she was taking pictures like a paparazzo. Seeing her made the stress of the last few days hit home, and something shifted inside me. It happened as fast as the sun going behind a cloud."

"You know how you can be fine one moment, and the next it's, 'Oh my God, I f--king have the flu!'? It was like that," she tells Glamour. "Only this flu lasted for three years. My whole perspective changed."

Sarah found a treatment plan that left her "finally feeling like myself again," but eventually, her depression returned at age 22. "Since then I've lived with depression and learned to control it, or at least to ride the waves as best I can," she tells Glamour. "I'm on a small dose of Zoloft, which, combined with therapy, keeps me healthy but still lets me feel highs and lows."

Her feelings on something else have changed over time, too: Possibly having children someday.

"A few years ago, I casually said something in an interview about being afraid to have kids because I might pass depression on to them, but I don't know if I feel that way anymore," she says.

"A part of me is baby crazy," she admits. "A part of me goes, Why not? And every day I add 'Freeze eggs?' to the end of my to-do list. Then it keeps getting passed on to the next day's list. Maybe I'll adopt."

Sarah, who plays a struggling, self-medicating mother in the upcoming movie I Smile Back, worries about the alternative, too. "I do have sorrow about the possibility that I may never have my own children," she tells Glamour.

For much more of Sarah's interview, check out her Glamour piece. I Smile Back hits theaters Oct. 23.

If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).