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Jake Gyllenhaal

Fame Pictures

Dear Ted:
What is the awful truth about Hef and the Girls Next Door, are they together, or not? I hate all the rumors. Just the truth. Please.
—Kat, GA

Dear Pondering Playmates:
No need to beg—they're not. Whether or not Hugh lives long enough to find three more ladies with as much personality as those blond babes, that's still up in the air.

Dear Ted:
Who do you think has been age 36 longer, Catherine Zeta Jones or Rachel Zoe? Thanks for my morning giggles.
—Gonzosmom

Dear Fountain of Truth:
Neither, it's clearly Lindsay Lohan.

Dear Ted:
I've been wanting to email you for years, and I finally have a reason. Last night I dreamed that Jake Gyllenhaal was a half dog/half man, and he was trying to have sex with my dog (a boxer). What does it mean?
—M from D.C.

Dear Jakey Dream:
You have one lucky boxer.

Dear Ted:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you the Ted dating Chelsea Handler?
—Regan

Dear Stranger:
Hey there, we've obviously never met, because I'm gay, and married.

Dear Ted:
I know this one! Shafterella Shoshstein from One Sneaky-Dame Blind Vice is Jennifer Garner!
—spyfan

Dear Jonesing on Jen:
No, no, no on Garner—both for this blind vice, and in general. This babe's far less outwardly bitchy to us, more inwardly, excellent WASP behavior, you know.

Dear Ted:
Is Shafterella Shoshstein Uma Thurman?
—Athena, Greece

Dear Greek Guess:
Nowhere near as statuesque as U.T.

Dear Ted:
I finally got one blind vice right! Shafterella Shoshstein is Oprah Winfrey!
—Gabby

Dear Nope-rah on Oprah:
Wrong race, wrong figure...completely wrong on Winfrey.

Dear Ted:
I wanted to know if there was any truth in the story I heard on Facebook about Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens splitting up and Zac seeing someone else. Is it all lies?
—Louise, U.K.

Dear Zanessa Fan:
Getting information solely through a social-networking site is as bad as taking Wikipedia at face value. The king and queen of teen couples are still mugging it up for the cameras. Read that last sentence very carefully.

Dear Ted:
Could you please put up some pix of Robert Pattinson? Also. if you should discover he's gay, keep it to yourself. Fantasies are all some of us have left.
—Susan

Dear Twilight, Less Filling:
So you want Robbie's pretty face posted here but don't want there to be any scandal? Gotta choose, hon, sorry!

Dear Ted:
I got hooked on hot actor Austin Nichols watching One Tree Hill. Is he single?
—Mara

Dear Up the Wrong Tree Hill:
Don't believe so.

Dear Ted:
Really happy to see that not everyone believes Saint Jolie is oh so perfect. However, I have to disagree with you regarding Brad Pitt: He is just as conniving and manipulative as his latest squeeze.
—Fan from London

Dear Brit Bitcher:
Never said he wasn't.

Dear Ted:
Why can't a celebrity come out and be happy about it without dancing around the issues? Talent is what counts above all, regardless of one's sexuality.
sweetdetermination

Dear Fagola Dance:
Tell that to certain stars' business managers. You won't get very far.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is John Travolta, and his man is Tom Cruise. Correct?
—Becky

Dear John 'n' Tom:
Dream on, babe. Just because Johnny kisses his boy companions goodbye on the lips hardly means he's Toothy. Too obvious.

Dear Ted:
Why did Jake Gyllenhaal choose to become a dull, vanilla, manufactured tabloid product with weekly, PR-friendly illustrated fictions of his very public/private life instead of being an intelligent actor with substance, opinions and personality following his own individual path in quality projects like he used to be? What is your opinion?
—Monica

Dear Run-On:
Yours.

Dear Ted:
Is Shafterella Shoshstein Alanis Morissette? I hope not, because I adore her, anywhere near close on this one?
—Amy

Dear You Oughta Know:
Alanis can hold off her angst on this one, 'cause she's not S2. Our sneaky blind vice babe seems to be all smiles, while our girl 'Lanis has no trouble getting moody.

Dear Ted:
Mario Lopez
looks precious to me. And I mean in the British way—fey, as in gay. Also, as for that horrid Rachel Zoe woman, she manages to bore my dog. My dog left the room during R.Z., while my hub is eating pizza. Fathom that. Keep rocking. Already voted no on 8, of course.
—GGR

Dear Pup Patrol:
You've clearly got a smart pooch with good taste, as do you!

—Additional sass by Becky Bain