Getty ImagesVogue's Anna Wintour once said this about visiting the great state of Minnesota: "I'd just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses."
And after seeing the menu for Minnesota's State Fair, we'd say that her description might not be entirely inaccurate.
Yes, we know state fairs are all about deep-fried, chocolate-covered, battered, smoked and candy-coated treats. That's why they are fun and if you think we don't know how to put away a funnel cake sundae, well then you guys don' know us but at all! But this lineup for Minnesota's event, one of the biggest state fairs in the country, should basically be called: "Food Concoctions That Might Possibly Kill You. Have Fun!"
Not only are these items a "ridiculously dangerous" on the caloric intake scale, but they are just…bonkers. It's like they are daring people to eat some of these weird mashups (BBQ pickle ice cream?!), which we suppose is kind of the point of the Minnesota State Fair.
Below are the best of the best—or worst of the worst, depending on your view point, of all the offerings the Minnesota State Fair will have once it opens on August 27, and our expert opinion on how likely ingesting these dishes will end your life.*
(*Obviously we know these won't actually kill everyone who eats these. We're just having a little fun. Don't take this literally, guys.)
1. Cowboy Bites
Description: Sweet corn kernels, bacon, jalapeños and cream cheese blended into bite-size balls, breaded and fried, and served with ranch dipping sauce
Likelihood of death: High with a side of ranch.
2. Deep Fried Ribs
Description: Smoked baby back ribs, breaded, fried and served with BBQ sauce
Likelihood of death: Fried meat? Very likely.
3. Grandma Deb's Snicker Bar Salad:
Description: Chopped Snickers® bars and Granny Smith apples tossed in vanilla pudding with whipped cream and drizzled with caramel sauce
Likelihood of death: Medium. Your basically eating a bowl of Snickers, so if you survive Halloween leftovers every year, you'll survive this. The apples help, too.
4. Italian Dessert Nachos
Description: Cinnamon sugar cannoli chips smothered with sweet ricotta cheese filling, fruit, chocolate, nuts and candy toppings
Likelihood of death: Likely. All the calories of nachos, with extra added sugar!
5. Limerick Stix
Description: A blend of pimento cheese and cayenne pepper coated in a corn meal mix, deep-fried and served with custom dipping sauce
Likelihood of death: Meh, slim. It's fried cheese. That's amateur hour compared to some of these other snacks. Unless you eat 20 of these in which case, R.I.P.
6. Mac & Cheese Cupcake
Description: Mac & cheese nestled in a breadcrumb crust, then sprinkled with breadcrumbs and frosted with a dollop of Cheez Whiz
Likelihood of death: The Cheese Whiz topping will be your undoing for sure.
7. Maple Bacon Funnel Cake
Description: A funnel cake infused with bacon pieces, then topped with sweet maple glaze and sprinkled with more bacon
Likelihood of death: High. It's a bacon treat with "more bacon." Double the bacon, double the doom.
8. Prime Rib to Go:
Description: Thinly sliced choice prime rib, sautéed peppers, onions and mushrooms (optional) in a soft bread cone with a side of au jus, horseradish or Parmesan garlic sauce
Likelihood of death: This is what we think of when Andy on Parks and Rec talked about a "Meat Tornado." Ron Swanson loved it, but unless you are Ron Swanson, you're probably going to die when you eat this.
9. Sriracha Balls
Description: Two choices of filling breaded in panko, deep-fried and drizzled with Sriracha sauce: blend of shredded chicken, corn, tomatoes, egg and Sriracha; or Sriracha cream cheese with corn, tomatoes and egg
Likelihood of death: Medium, unless you giggle every time someone says "balls," then you will die quicker.
10. Stuffed Italian Meatloaf On-a-Stick
Description: Italian meatloaf stuffed with Mozzarella and pepperoni, topped with marinara sauce and a Parmesan herb blend and served on-a-stick
Likelihood of death: High, because it's a stuffed tube of meat. Higher chances if you stab yourself in the throat with the stick.
11. Wine Fried Kalettes
Description: Battered kale, fried crispy in wine and served with sweet Thai chili sauce
Likelihood of death: Fried Kale? The oxymoron alone will cause you to implode.
12. Totchos
Description: Tater tots smothered in cheddar cheese sauce with seasoned sour cream, bacon bits and green onions (chicken or taco-style beef optional). Gluten-free
Likelihood of death: High. Sure it's gluten free but these are fried potatoes, cheese, bacon and sour cream. You're a goner.
13. BBQ Pickle Ice Cream
Description: Vanilla ice cream infused with a light BBQ sauce and diced pickles
Likelihood of death: Low; it's just kind of gross-sounding.
14. Caramel Chocolate-Dipped Bacon Ice Cream Bar
Description: Vanilla ice cream bar with a bacon and caramel-filled center, dipped in chocolate, rolled in bacon and drizzled with more caramel.
Likelihood of death: Medium, but your foot is almost definitely falling off.
Good luck out there, eaters! Pace yourself and maybe draw up a will and make peace with your gods before entering the fair grounds.