supost.com/startupcastle.orgWe understand that there are different strokes for different folks, especially when it comes to who you choose to live with. Not everyone wants to sit on the couch, order some pizza and watch Netflix all evening. We call those people confusing, but we also understand that it is their prerogative to "socialize" if they please.
But reading this insane list of demands for potential roommates for this Silicon Valley housing community seems both excessive and very, very depressing.
"We're building a community of excellence in one of the most impressive estates in Silicon Valley," reads the ad posting for a place called The Startup Castle located in Stanford, Calif. "We believe that the right people in a place like this can make for a great environment, and geometric scaling of success for everybody."
Off to a good start, right? Well, buckle in.
Here is what is on their "must" list for potential roommates:
•Have a top-class degree or job with a strong math/science requirement
•Exercise at least 15 hours in a normal week
•Commute by car less than 20% of the time (Bicycle commuter!)
•Prefer organized systems and common rules
•Like petting dogs
Alright, getting a little specific but, you've seen worse, right? Who doesn't like petting dogs? And Silicon Valley is notoriously eco-friendly and sure, exercising is allegedly healthy for your body. Reportedly. We'll try it sometime.
The crazy really starts to surface when they start listing qualities of roommates they do not want based on "traits exclusive to disappointing housemates." For us, a disappointing housemate is someone who won't share their HBO Go password or does something crazy like vomits into our window a/c unit.
But we would disappoint the hell out of these people from the get to. Because to these Stanford Debbie Downers, you are not an ideal roommate if:
•Watch more than 4 hours of TV/movie/game entertainment per week
(We're out. Four hours of TV/movie/game entertainment? We knock that out in one night.)
•Have more than 1 tattoo
(Out again. We have a lot of emotions that can only be conveyed via song lyrics on our rib cage and wrists.)
•Have ever attended more than 1 protest
(We'll be damned if they try and raise the price of our guacamole at Chipotle.)
•Make more than three posts a week to social media
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
•Listen to songs with explicit lyrics more than an once a day
(So we can't ask for rent money using Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money"?)
•Wear make-up more than twice a week
(If we don't wear makeup people throw garbage at us when we walk outside)
•Own any clothing, shoes, watches, or handbags costing over $500
(We're fine with this one, though it seems strict to limit someone's wardrobe budget.)
•Have bills that get paid by somebody else
(Does "the man" count as someone else?)
•Drive a vehicle that was given to you by your parents
(What if we still drive the same car that we had in college, which was a hand-me-down from our parents? Don't make us give up our ballin' 1995 Camry.)
•Get regular spending money or gifts from your parents
(How else do parents show they love you, though?)
•Have more than one internet app date per week
(Don't tell ua how to Tinder!)
•Have a complex diet that requires lots of refrigerator space
(If by "complex," you mean excessive leftovers from ordering too much Thai food from Grubhub the night before then again…we're out).
•Drink alcohol more than 3 drinks per week
(Sometimes our TV shows drive us to drink.)
Use marijuana more than twice a year
(Just gonna put ellipses here …)
You can read the full posting at SUPost.com, but the basic gist of it as you can see from above is that they want a very specific human being and that human being is…a cyborg.
One question: can we rescue these dogs, because they do not belong in a place like this. If no one is watching TV, when do they cuddle with their owners?
Sorry, one more question: Is there an application we can put in to ensure we never live in a place like this? Because: