Bitch-Back! Defending Jen, Dissing Angie, Yay!

Readers irked by Angelina Jolie and my thoughts about her

Dear Ted:
Whenever I hear anyone, especially a straight man, refer rudely to a woman as a the C-word, I always say "I thought you liked the C-word. I must thank you for calling me by a part of my body that gives me so much pleasure! If you truly want to insult me, call me a Limp Dick, since all you can do is pee from that." It has shut several people up, quickly. That aside, I just read the McCain article in Rolling Stone, and it is a must-read for anyone and everyone who might vote for him. This is a mean, nasty, egomaniacal, misogynistic bastard. And it is scary to read about the number of times he has berated and actually shoved women—you know, constituents. Taxpayers. People who pay for his health care. Appalling in a man, horrifying in a public servant.
—Robin

Dear Sock It To 'Em:
Wouldn't want to tangle with you, darlin'.

Dear Ted:
You might wanna stick your foot into that big mouth of yours. I, for one, understand that Jen Aniston dumped John Mayer. She's too sophisticated for him. Also, you might want to do more research before bashing Gerard Butler's intellect. Like Barack Obama, he was the prez of his law class. He was miserable as a law intern, so he got out. He's no slouch, and just 'cause they had dinner together doesn't mean they were dating. Get a life, Ted.
—Foxkt

Dear White Knight:
I can try and set you up with J.A. if you'd like, since she's about to run out of options.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for putting into words the way I feel about Angelina Jolie. Great verbiage. I'm frankly tired and weary of hearing what she and Brad Pitt are doing. Who cares! She's a sniveling, conniving, self-absorbed, attention-demanding piece of work. I feel sorry for her children; they will all need therapists by the time they're 12. As for Brad, I hope he enjoys the ride while he can. Because when Ms. AJ. finally tires of him, and she will, he'll know how all the others felt being dumped. Including his ex.
—Aaholborn

Dear A Holie:
Def don't swoop the upcoming issue of W. It's a pukefest of happiness in there with the overpopulated fam.

Dear Ted:
You are the best! I am so sick of hearing in the media how saintly and flawless Angelina is—it is refreshing to read a more realistic take.
—Kevering

Dear Sinful Saint:
I always tell it like it is, dear.

Dear Ted:
I like you better when you are scornfully witty than when you are scornfully bitter.
—Jet, Los Angeles

Dear Wrong Side Of The Bed:
Sarah Palin makes most of us sour.

Dear Ted:
In your Morning Piss about Angelina, are you saying all this with Brad is just an act? If so, why would she go to all this trouble and have all their kids just to eventually leave him? I'm curious for your opinion on the real reason she will leave him.
—Rick

Dear Ants In Her Pants:
She likes hot girls and bad boys, it's no secret. Brad's a sweetheart, good for the obligatory procreation stint.

Dear Ted:
Is Dimpled Drew Liev Schreiber?
—Shores4Now

Dear Close Call:
Nope, but excellente guess, babe. Just a think a lot less talented, and you'll have the right guy in less time than it takes to listen to some piece of crap on the radio.

Dear Ted:
Not a question. Get off my effing computer you used condom scumbag!
—WLPlumb

Dear Dumbass:
With all the time it took you to write that comment, why didn't you freaking click to another page?

Dear Ted:
Morning Piss? What kind of a vulgar headline is that? Totally uncool and absolutely no class. Get some!
—Rokteer

Dear Pissy Pants:
I grew up gay in redneck Texas. Subtle and mannered, I'm not.

Dear Ted:
I enjoyed RocknRolla more than I thought I would, but I was intrigued as to how someone who lives with the Queen of the Gays could understand so little about us?
—Mark, U.K.

Dear RocknRoll Queen:
What makes you think they live together?

Dear Ted:
This Queen Latifah thing sounds like Isaiah Washington all over again. Blowing things out of proportion! The woman is trying to keep her career going, and if she completely "comes out," she may lose it all. In Hollywood, she already has the fact that she is black, plus-size and a woman working against her. Should she now add gay to the resume? Everyone is not as accepting of the gay lifestyle as mainstream believes and she knows it. I don't think it's anyone's business.
—RL

Dear Judger:
So what, four strikes and you're "out"? Also, whatever Queen's sexuality, it's hardly a "lifestyle" she's donned, I assure you. People's sex lives are integral to their soul and not something trendy like a handbag they purchased at Barneys (unless they're Katie Holmes, perhaps).

Dear Ted:
You really are quite vile and disgusting. Unfortunately, your little "article" came to me as a pop-up. It wouldn't matter who you're writing about, you have an ignorant, sophomoric, selfish, sexist mind.
—Ccornices

Dear Kudos:
I know, ain't it great?

Dear Ted:
I know you are scared of Palin as VP, but she is 10 times better than Kay Bailey Hutchison. You know Kay is known to be a staunch Republican man in a skirt.
—MmMckinn

Dear Lost Me:
And folks say I'm sexist.

Dear Ted:
OK, it pains me to write this...but I'm giving E! Online up. I truly don't mind reading or hearing (are you ladies from The View listening?) political gossip, but if I want the kind of trash talk I'm getting here from you and some of your readers, I will simply go to some of the liberal blogs that specialize in anti-McCain/Palin trash talk all the livelong day. Personally, I think there is so much juicy stuff one could talk about regarding Obama, but as we all know, conservatives in Hollywood are about as rare as heteros.
—Dmooney

Dear Blind:
Read this morning's Piss?

Dear Ted:
I don't usually write in with Blind Vice guesses, but my friend was too chicken to write in herself, so I'm submitting her answer. Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow from One Vaccination-Required Blind Vice Michael Cera? He's been around for a while and is suddenly making it big, plus he's got that whole nice-guy appeal. Are we close?
—Heather and Tracy, Calif.

Dear Cera-tanly Not:
Gasp! How dare you guess my fave up-and-comer in that nasty BV! FFB is way more buff.

Dear Ted:
Why aren't we seeing more people in H'wood contributing to the No on Proposition 8 battle, especially the ones who are openly gay or have a large gay following? Kudos to Spielberg, Pitt, Wentz and T.R. Knight, but where are the others?
—Worried and Confused

Dear Prop Huh?:
I'm sure Queen Latifah's right around the corner; besides, I care less about the money and more about their faces. Want them to get out there and shoot Prop 8 down.

—With additional sass by Taryn Ryder