New Year's Eve is the worst.
Sure, a new year feels like a fresh start, but those booze-fueled few hours counting down to midnight usually range from mild letdown to major disaster. Last Week Tonight's John Oliver explained the phenomenon by comparing it to "the death of a pet."
"You know it's going to happen, but somehow you're never prepared for how truly awful it is," said the funnyman in a YouTube clip posted Monday. "It combines three of the least pleasant things known to mankind: forced interaction with strangers, being drunk, cold and tired and having to stare at Ryan Seacrest for five solid minutes, waiting for him to tell you what the time is.
"Honestly the best thing you can do is avoid the whole evening," he said, "and to do that, you're going to need some excellent and specific excuses, and this is where we come in."
From here, Oliver walked through a few scenarios and what you should say to get out of them. "Let's say you have a friend who just got divorced and wants to hang out and do some 'guy stuff,'" he said. "This is a tricky one, because 'guy stuff' as we all know is code for strip clubs, and you should absolutely not spend New Year's Eve in a strip club unless Ebola goes airborne and the only cure is glitter. That's the only appropriate moment to do that.
"So, what you need to do tell your friend that your cousin Paul Smecker has sudden become ill and he needs some of your bonezymes," he continued. "Now clearly, none of that's true, bonezymes are a thing I just made up, and Paul Smecker is the name of Willem Dafoe's character in The Boondock Saints. Here's the thing, though—if your friend knows that offhand, cut him out of your life forever."
But say you're invited to a party at a friend's house. "Obviously you don't want to go. That's a five-hour commitment if you leave at 12:01," Oliver said. "Think of it this way, do you really want to sit on your friend's sofa and watch hummus turn brown all night? No. Nobody does.
"So here's the trick, and this actually works for everything…Simply tell them you're doing a cleanse," he said. "Yes, you're right, that's not technically an excuse, but the beauty is there will be no follow-up questions, because nobody wants to hear about your f--king cleanse. Nobody! So you're out."
But if you're invited out for a girls' night, sorry, Oliver's not much help there. "I've never been asked to join a girls' night which I think is because I'm such a Samantha [from Sex and the City] and women are intimidated by my energy."
Ha! Well, let's hope everyone rings in 2015 in a fun, safe manner. Last Week Tonight With John Oliver returns to HBO Feb. 8.