About Britney's recent hospital trip: I hear she left through some sort of secret tunnel. Are these things all over Hollywood?
—Cyndy, Scottsbluff
The B!tch Replies: Your question got a spokeswoman at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center all huffy. Maybe she isn't allowed to use the secret tunnels to get to her office. Either way, she denies the existence of any such thing, despite stories about Britney Spears fleeing via secret tunnels after her bizarre stay this weekend.
"I am not going to give you a whole song and dance about the topography under the hospital," she snips. "But there are no secret tunnels under the parking lot for celebrities."
Yes, she says there are corridors down there, leading to offices and, I assume, medical gewgaws of all manner and class. But the Cedars spokeswoman says there is no access from that underground to the outside.
So, when you see reports in places like ETonline saying that "the pop star was released from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center this morning via an underground tunnel," what exactly does that mean?
"I have no idea," the press spokeswoman says. "But we have no secret tunnels at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center."
(Wait—if the tunnel is "secret," you wouldn't exactly have a mouthpiece for the hospital confirming it, would you? Ahhh.)
But other so-called "secret tunnels" do pepper the L.A. underground. Variety reports of a secret tunnel under the Renaissance Hollywood Hotel that leads directly to the nearby Kodak Theater, home of the Oscars. (Though how a star might get from there to the red carpet in five-inch Louboutins, I have no idea.) (And by I have no idea, I mean I really don't care.)
A top suite at the tony Peninsula hotel also features a secret entrance. And a publicist for the upscale Lucky Strike bowling lanes on Hollywood Boulevard once showed me a secret elevator exit for celebrity guests, leading down to underground parking.
Now, you'll excuse me. I'll be leaving through my top-secret exit here at E! They only call it guest parking as a smoke screen.
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