Are any stars superstitious?
—Nicole, Amsterdam
The B!tch Replies: Given that I am an entertainment journalist, I have an irresistible urge to present my response in a kicky quiz format. So, gather round! Impress your friends! And receive fresh proof that Cameron Diaz is nothing more than a shivering, puppy-eyed mass of nerve clusters that are more gullible than the entire 2005 cast of Girls Gone Wild: Mardi Gras Invasion.
Behold!
1. Which singer will reportedly never begin a live performance until she has hugged her brother?
a. Janet Jackson, who is now on a first-name basis with the entire crew of Air Dubai
b. Kelly Clarkson, who then launches into "Breakaway," thus confusing her entire family
c. Madonna, just so she can be told that she still has some soft parts, somewhere
2. What is Lara Flynn Boyle's lucky number?
a. Seven, because she's creative like that
b. Seven, because that's the number of pomegranate seeds she allows herself to eat each week
c. Seven, because that's the number that comes after nine, see, and that's so, like—oh, just shut up
3. Who must cut up his or her banana into seven pieces every morning?
a. Prince, because he is Prince, and he is fon-kay
b. Woody Allen, just in case anybody thinks he has lost his neurotic genius
c. Lara Flynn Boyle, because it's Lara Flynn Boyle's lucky number
4. What fearful performer told Jet magazine, "If a black cat walks in my path, I turn around and go home, even if I'm on my way somewhere"?
a. Cuba Gooding Jr., who still does, in fact, on rare occasions, go somewhere
b. Missy Elliott, whose giant entourage suddenly makes a good bit of sense
c. Whitney Houston, because Bobby Brown has spies everywhere, man—I mean everywhere
5. Who likes to touch grass for good luck?
a. David Beckham
b. Snoop, for good luck and good times
c. Katie Holmes, who savors every moment she is outside
6. Cameron Diaz...
a. Knocks wood "all day long," as she puts it
b. Always seems so lost, scared and sad
c. Wears a necklace a friend gave her to ward off aging
d. All of the above
7. Which actor secretly carried what kind of human body part to a recent Oscar night?
a. Thomas Haden Church, who squired around a shrunken head he'd purchased in Africa
b. Matthew McConaughey, who clutched a small pouch of leg hair from Lance Armstrong, because...what, can't two guys just be really close friends?
c. Kate Bosworth, who carried a human skeleton—a silent warning of what can happen when you eat more than two meals a week
Official Answer Key
- Clarkson
- Seven
- Woody
- Missy
- Beckham
- All of the above
- Church
So, how'd you do? No, wait—I don't care.