We're not going to insult the intelligence of Harry Potter fans by alerting any of you that J.K. Rowling (through Rita Skeeter) has written a short story to update us on what the big three have been up to since the end of Deathly Hallows. You know about it. You've read it. You've re-read it. You've talked with your friends about it. You've written fan fiction about it. Basically, you're all over it.
We are here to merely celebrate the return of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley with some punny inside jokes that only we wizards and witches will get. Muggles need not enter or even pretend to understand. (Spoilers, obviously):
1. The secret horcrux:
The sword of Gryffindor can't handle that.
2. Gotta get down on:
You had one job, Bellatrix!
3. Broom puns:
C'mon. The movie is ripe with these.
4. The flaw in the plan:
J.K. usually covers her plot holes, but we've all thought about this one.
5. Quidditch hottie:
Best wizard-to-wizard pickup line ever.
6. Bond, please:
You're name has nothing on Dumbledore.
7. Got your nose:
Not cool, proffesor:
8. Caffeine spell:
Talk about your instant coffee, right?!
And don't call him Shirley. That was a Harry Potter-Airplane joke, you guys!
10. Draco the complainer:
What hasn't your father heard about?
11. Mean Hogwarts:
Boo, you whorecrux.? The Dark Lord (@Lord_Voldemort7) July 2, 2014
Voldermort is basically Regina George.
12. Hipster Voldermort:
Technically, that's true.
13. How I Met Lily:
Definitely could have saved pages and pages of backstory.
14. Noah's a liar:
It couldn't possibly have been every day, right Mr. Dursley?
15. The Slytherin House pickup:
There is a dirty snake joke in there, too. We're not going to make it.
16. She's a survivor:
This could have been Hermione's theme song. Or the Destiny's Child one.
17. Yo mamma:
Harry probably could have just killed Voldermort with his words.
18. Junk mail:
Do you think they're all just chain letters that threaten you with terrible things if you don't forward it on to at least seven people?
We missed you, world of Harry Potter. And we will jump all over any new information like Ron Weasley jumps on any and all food at any time, so please keep it coming!
Until the next update: