Most of you are just getting off a three-day weekend, so today will be a rough one. Like, watching Fifty-Shades-of-Grey-with-your-boyfriend's-conservative-parents rough. And they are really hard of hearing so you have to turn the volume wayyy up. And his grandparents are in the next room playing Parcheesi. That kind of rough.
You probably also enjoyed sleeping in, being lazy, sipping on cocktails and exclusively eating grilled meats and all forms of dip. That's the American way, after all. In short: waking up today was the absolute worst. But what came next was the real challenge.
You probably woke up at your usual weekday time and you were not even remotely ready to get back into your normal work/school routine. Like, you honestly had to take a second to regroup because you forgot how to do the simplest things like…
1. Dress appropriately
Look, it's a miracle if you remember you have to wear pants to work/school. You've probably been in shorts, bathing suits, tank tops and whatnot all weekend, so switching back to business casual, or heaven forbid, business professional will probably take you a moment. No, you cannot wear that cropped bald eagle shirt.
2. Make yourself presentable
Sunscreen, shades and a smile! That's a lame sentence we just wrote, but that's exactly how much effort you put into your look over a hot summer weekend, unless you're one of those who had a meticulously planned outfit and a full face of makeup to go to the beach. But if you kept it low-maintenance this past weekend, you might forget that today you should put on some concealer, comb your hair and maybe take a pass under the ol' armpits with some deodorant.
If you were partaking in vodka-infused watermelon and whatnot, we sincerely hope you were walking, taking taxis, Ubering or getting a ride from a sober driver. And that means you probably went all weekend without getting behind the wheel of a car. So always remember: left pedal equals stop and right pedal equals go. We think.
4. Find your office building
Any other day, you can drive to work in a daze because you have your route memorized. After a long holiday weekend? You're lucky if you remember which way to turn out of your driveway. Working from home? You might be able to manage the walk down the hallway to your home office. Maybe.
5. Talk to humans in a casual, work-appropriate way
If you spent the three days of freedom running around with friends while screaming, laughing, frolicking and all that happy tampon commercial-worthy stuff, then good luck reminding yourself to use your indoor voice when you chat with Joan from accounting. Also, mind your topic of conversations and try not to drop too many F-bombs.
It's actually taking us every ounce of brain power to make sure our fingers are in the right place on the keyboard as we write this. Our emails this morning looked like this: "Tjank for teh email I will fet you a resppone oto yhat aspsa." So if there are typos in this article, blame the long weekend. Or blame us. Either way. We don't care.
7. Eat things that aren't in dip form
Sorry that your Lean Cuisine isn't topped with seven layers of goopy stuff. Mmm, we miss the goopy stuff.
8. Be productive
"What the hell did I used to do all day?"
Happy back-to-work day, guys. Ugh.