Most of you are just getting off a three-day weekend (or a four-day weekend, if you're a lucky punk), so this Monday will be a rough one. But since it was a holiday weekend full of celebrating America the best way we know how (eating and drinking), then today is extra rough.
How rough? You woke up at your usual weekday time and you probably were not even remotely ready to get back into your normal work/school routine. Like, you honestly had to take a second to regroup because you forgot how to do the simplest things like…
1. Dress appropriately
Look, it's a miracle if you remember you have to wear pants to work/school. You've probably been in shorts, bathing suits, tank tops and whatnot all weekend, so switching back to business casual, or heaven forbid, business professional will probably take you a moment. No, you cannot wear that cropped bald eagle shirt.
2. Make yourself presentable
Sunscreen, shades and a smile! That's a lame sentence we just wrote, but that's exactly how much effort you put into your look over a hot summer weekend, unless you're one of those who had a meticulously planned patriotic outfit and a full face of makeup to go to the beach. But if you kept it low-maintenance this past weekend, you might forget that today you should put on some concealer, comb your hair and maybe take a pass under the ol' armpits with some deodorant.
If you were partaking in vodka-infused watermelon and whatnot, we sincerely hope you were walking, taking taxis, Ubering or getting a ride form a sober driver. And that means you probably went all weekend without getting behind the wheel of a car. So always remember: left pedal equals stop and right pedal equals go. We think.
4. Find your office building
On any other Monday, you can drive to work in a daze because you have your route memorized. A Monday after a long holiday weekend? You're lucky if you remember which way to turn out of your driveway. Working from home? You might be able to manage the walk down the hallway to your home office. Maybe.
5. Talk to humans in a casual, work-appropriate way
If you spent the Fourth of July running around with friends while screaming, laughing, frolicking and all that happy tampon commercial-worthy stuff, then good luck reminding yourself to use your indoor voice when you chat with Joan from accounting. Also, mind your topic of conversations and try not to drop too many F-bombs.
It's actually taking us every ounce of brain power to make sure our fingers are in the right place on the keyboard as we write this. Our emails this morning looked like this: "Tjank for teh email I will fet you a resppone oto yhat aspsa."
7. Eat things that aren't in dip form
Sorry that your Lean Cuisine isn't topped with seven layers of goopy stuff. Mmm, we miss the goopy stuff.
8. Be productive
"What the hell did I used to do all day?"
And the one thing you will never, ever forget how to do, no matter what:
1. How to be pissed at people who are still shooting off fireworks.
STOP. We're sorry you bought too many and you feel the need to shoot them off from 6 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., but we have pets who are scared of them, children who are mad that they themselves aren't shooting off fireworks and TV shows we're quietly trying to watch! Damn.
Happy back-to-work, guys.