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HOST WITH THE MOST: Jessica Simpson cohosting the eighth annual Teen Choice Awards on Aug. 20, giving awkward teenage girls everywhere even more reason to despise themselves. There's potential for an awkward encounter for Simpson as well: her ex, Nick Lachey, is nominated in the male hottie category and his current squeeze, Vanessa Minillo, is up for choice TV personality.

AVAST! The citizens of Dominica, where Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest was partially filmed, being deprived of seeing the record-setting film because the island's lone theater is closed for repairs.

OFF THE HOOK: Prosecutors declining to file charges against a paparazzo arrested for allegedly hiding in the bushes near Maddox Jolie-Pitt's Malibu preschool in an effort to snap pictures of the four-year-old because there was not enough evidence to prove he was actually on the grounds. (Apparently, he didn't score any incriminating money shots.)

OUT OF THE CLOSET: Comedy Central settling a July 19 air date for "Trapped in the Closet," the Emmy-nominated South Park episode poking fun at Tom Cruise and Scientology. The network had reportedly shelved the episode because Cruise was displeased. Now that it's set to repeat, we have a little free advice for Mr. Cruise: You could always unveil Suri as a distraction.

THE HEAT IS ON: Speaking of Suri, entertainment site Break.com offering its users $100,000 for the first video footage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' elusive offspring. As of Wednesday, 85 days had elapsed since her birth with no sightings.

CHART ATTACK: Johnny Cash topping the Billboard 200 with American V: A Hundred Highways, his first number one album since 1969's Johnny Cash at San Quentin.

SUPER SUIT: A Southern California rock band called Supernova suing Mark Burnett over his CBS reality show Rock Star: Supernova, claiming it had the name first. An attorney for Mark Burnett Productions stating that the company has the legal right to the name and the lawsuit is without merit. Plus, no one has ever heard of that Supernova, anyway.

WORST WEEK EVER: Network television reporting the lowest ratings in recorded history, with ABC, CBS, NBC and Fox averaging 20.8 million viewers during the average prime-time minute last week, per Nielsen Media Research. Maybe America's got taste after all.

SPLITSVILLE: Christie Brinkley and her fourth husband, architect Peter Cook, separating after 10 years of marriage, her publicist said Tuesday. The couple have an eight-year-old daughter Sailor Lee, and Brinkley has two other children from her previous marriages.

OFF THE MARKET: Good Day L.A. host Jillian Barberie tying the knot with actor Grant Reynolds over the weekend, she announced Monday.

UNLEASHED: Snoop Dogg setting an Oct. 17 release date for his next solo album, Blue Carpet Treatment.

STAYIN' ALIVE: E! Entertainment Television forcing sworn enemies Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to work together for yet another season of The Simple Life, E! President and CEO Ted Harbert announced Tuesday at the TCA summer press tour. (In the interest of full disclosure, E! Entertainment and E! Online are divisions of E! Networks, which sorta, kinda makes Paris and Nicole our coworkers as well as each others'. Um, that's hot?)

LIFE AFTER CBS: Dan Rather signing on to make the weekly news show Dan Rather Reports for HDNet Network, a small network available through some cable and satellite providers that offer high definition. At least he's not auditioning for The View.

REMEMBERED: Syd Barrett, the troubled cofounder of Pink Floyd, who lived out the last years of his life as an anonymous recluse, has died, a spokeswoman for the band said Tuesday. He was 60.