Plot contrivances pile up faster than the bullet-riddled bodies in this Taken-esque action-thriller from the Luc Besson factory and auteur McG. Kevin Costner does his best badass Liam Neeson impression as aging CIA operative Ethan Renner. Diagnosed with terminal cancer, Ethan ditches work and returns to Paris to reconnect with his estranged wife (Connie Nielsen) and teenage daughter (Hailee Steinfeld). But then he's given an offer he can't refuse—in exchange for a potentially lifesaving drug, he has to kill some terrorists who want to... Oh, never mind. 3 Days to Kill feels three days long, so you'll need to find ways to stay entertained or at least awake. Let us help:
1. Make a Checklist of the Daddy-Daughter Bonding Clichés: Dad teaches her how to ride a bike. Check. Dad teaches her how to dance. Check. Dad awkwardly meets her new boyfriend. Check.
2. Say a Little Prayer for Hailee Steinfeld's Career: After her Oscar-nominated turn in True Grit, she's had a string of duds, notably Ender's Game and Romeo & Juliet. And now this. Hopefully, she's just in her awkward phase.
3. Try to Figure Out What the Hell Amber Heard Is Doing: She vamps it up as a sex-kitten CIA spy named Vivi, who sports a different black-leather outfit and hairstyle for every occasion! But the burning question is, will Amber Heard's real-life fiancé, Johnny Depp, wear one of Vivi's wigs in his next movie?
4. Count the Number of Jokes That Fall Flat: And there are tons, including a stupid moustache/goatee argument, a bit about a tortured driver in the trunk, and a weird running gag about a purple bicycle.
5. Laugh Instead at Ethan's "Experimental Drug:" Why does each of his shots come packed in a fancy leather box—and have a huge hypodermic with a needle thick enough to knit a sweater? And did that serum just glow?!
6. Admire Kevin Costner's Outerwear: Ethan pairs a natty scarf with handsome jackets and a peacoat, so you wonder why everyone keeps mocking what he wears. (See previous point about bad running gags.) Then get paranoid and wonder if everyone hates your clothes too!
7. Worry that Luc Besson Isn't Getting Enough Sleep: The ridiculously prolific writer/director/producer has two more movies this year, Brick Mansions and Lucy. Plus, he's already attached to Taken 3 and Transporter 4, 5 and 6! Perhaps he should take a break. Please.
8. Think of a Dumber Subplot Than the Pregnant Squatters in Ethan's Apartment: They actually have their baby girl in his apartment, and it's beautiful, see, because Ethan missed his own daughter's birth. Hmm, how about this instead: A space alien impregnates Ethan, so he gets to experience the magic of childbirth first-hand!
9. Rename 2014: Since Costner stars in five movies this year, people decided to call 2014 "The Year of Kevin Costner." Well, after DOA Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit and this misfire, maybe it's time to reconsider. How about "The Year of LEGO"?