Down Undah 'n' Out

Heath Ledger is movingly laid to rest, giving Cate Blanchett yet another venue to give an emotionally perf performance. Just roll out the awards on an assembly line for this always amazing Aussie! Plus, Mary-Kate continues to raise as many questions as you Awful Truth readers—hope that's about as much as anyone has in common with the more trollsome Olsen. And do Pete Wentz's folks not understand him and his old-skool taste in tunes? Find out! “She was the pillar. She held everyone together.”

—Down Under source, regarding the Australian memorial service for Heath Ledger, at which Cate Blanchett not only kept it real for everybody but shone as well

Tons o’ folks are finishing up saying farewell to handsome Heath. Such a tragedy. We certainly need more of the non-Hollywood types who like to remain crusty, not burnished, around the edges, just like ballsy Mr. L. But now that the so-long dust is settling a tad, do you think perhaps the mysterious Olsen twin, as in Mary-Kate, will come under scrutiny once more for her alleged role in paramedics not being called right away for the drugged-out actor?

Had drinks recently with a very close friend of Ashley's, the sort of Glinda good witch of the Olsen gals. You know, the one who’s unafraid to go brunette once in a while. The one who doesn’t slop around in cast-off dustpan caftans under which it looks like she could be hiding a massage table or something. Yeah, that one.

“They are not alike,” said the close Olsen chum. “[Mary-Kate] is scary.”

For many reasons, if you ask moi. Starting with: Why hasn’t MKO told the world why she had 10 billion calls with the masseuse who discovered Heath’s dead body before alerting the police? Even Heath’s put-upon parents saw fit to release more explanatory remarks to the world, clamoring for a little peace in this hideous sitch.

We’re waiting, Mary-Kate. And just a little reminder-poo: If you think the way I held onto Eddie Murphy’s lame-ass “Good Samaritan” excuse as the reason he picked up a transvestite in the middle of the night is excessive, you ain’t seen bupkes yet.

Dear Ted:
Here's a thought. If Tom Cruise and Scientologists are the "authorities on the mind," and they can't pass an accident without helping because "they're the only ones who can help," why on earth didn't Tom and the Scientologists try to save Britney? Tom? Where are you, Tom?
  Donna
  Brandon, Canada

Dear Silly:
Would you like the whole world to step in and help Britney, too? She needs the aid of her family right now, that’s what’s most important. Of course, we can see how well that’s going. I say throw the pop wreck into Betty Ford, already, and then decide.

Dear Ted:
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Nicole Kidman hasn't blabbed about Tom Cruise because there is nothing to blab about? You were all excited to read Andrew Morton's tell-all book, and all of it was old gossip. Tom is a wonderful person. Don’t you think it's about time you leave him alone?
  Sassy
  Flemmington, New Jersey

Dear Cruise Licker:
Nothing to blab about? I thought Jersey chicks were supposed to be so sharp.

Dear Ted:
Why does everyone assume Kevin Federline is not a good parent? Your source in Wednesday's column was pretty snarky when they said, "Can you imagine a world where K-Fed is the preferred parent?" Hell yes! Shar Jackson has said from day one he is a fantastic father to all his children.  Donna
  Manitoba, Canada

Dear Canadian Bating:
Ever thought that maybe there’s perhaps a little (or big) green reason why Shar has always sung in the K-Fed–Britney choir?

Dear Ted:
Drew Barrymore and what's his face are so totally the schmoopy couple! You. Are. The. Best.
  Carly
  Eugene, Oregon

Dear What's. Your. Face:
You’re telling me!

Dear Ted:
What a joke—everyone knows Kirsten Dunst has been out of it for years. Have ya seen how skinny she is? By the way, sorry about Heath, but I don’t think a couple of prescription drugs caused a healthy twentysomething guy to die. Call it another Hollywood cover-up. Where's Dominick Dunne when we need him?
  Ashley
  Orange County, California

Dear Det. Overdose:
Up some socialite’s ass, no doubt. Nick, get your old, tired bum out on this one! You even stay at the Chateau when you’re in town, you’re perf for this case.

Dear Ted:
I know who toothy tile is! Dick Cheney! We haven’t seen him for, what, six months? He really is in the closet.
  Larry
  Minneapolis

Dear Deranged:
You must drink as much as Dubya. Toothy Tile, for the record, is more than doable.

Dear Ted:
Yesterday was my partner's two-year anniversary for sobriety. She used every drug found in Heath Ledger's body, except the OTC cough medicine. My jaw dropped when I saw the list. My life partner could have died from things that I thought were okay because they were prescribed.
  Jane
  Sacramento, California

Dear Lucky:
You both are. Dear Ted:
Puh-leeze, I do hope someone does a news blackout on Britney.
  Nita
  Norco, California

Dear Yeah, Right:
Is the entire Awful Truth readership inhaling from one giant communal crack pipe today?

Dear Ted:
The Furrowed Frank guy who picks up fit boys in One Muscled Matchmaker Blind Vice just has to be Will Smith. Am I right? Love your column, very funny!
  Marlena
  Zurich, Switzerland Dear Jada:
No, it’s not your hubby. Good try, though! Think far less impressive, bodwise (not workwise).

Dear Ted:
This is definitely Matt Damon as Furrowed Frank. He really needs to get out of the closet ASAP.
  China
  Atlanta

Dear So Sure:
Why so positive, doll? Not even close here. Think far more impish. Dear Ted:
Michael K. of dlisted.com always refers to Gwyneth Paltrow as Fishsticks, and he says he started calling her that after hearing you call her that on an E! show. I am curious about why you once called her Fishsticks.
  Bobby
  Austin, Texas Dear Name Game:
It wasn’t just on air, it was also in the very column you’re now reading. I adopted the nickname Fishstick Paltrow because I found Blythe’s little girl to be cold, much too thin and overly white-breaded. Come to think of it, I still do. Dear Ted:
Accidental overdose is a term used so life insurance benefits will be available. An intentional overdose would preclude payment under most policies.
  Ginger
  Columbia, South Carolina Dear No Friend of Heath's:
Thanks for that edification.

Dear Ted:
Furrowed Frank = Rocco DiSpirito?
  Molly
  Potomac, Maryland

Dear Hardly:
Way too butch, dear.

Dear Ted:
What a relief to have access to Awfulville now that I got my BlackBerry Curve...Anytime, anywhere!
  Annei
  Brooklyn, New York
  Sent from my BlackBerry Dear Something Smells:
Flush, would ya?

Dear Ted:
I was wondering, is Bravado Boom-Cocks from One Remind Us Never to Sleep Over There Blind Vice Adrien Brody?
  Joanna
  Queens, New York

Dear Quite Close:
No, but you’re surely in the right dark-haired, diff-looking cojones park.

Dear Ted:
What, no more Vanity Fair party? You mean those spoiled, overprivileged rich folks have no place else to go to discuss how wonderful they are? Or to count all the free swag they nabbed? No more free Cristal? No place to fake air-kiss each other? Gee, my heart bleeds for them. Not!
  [Name not provided]
  East Windsor, New Jersey

Dear Bitter:
Didn’t you see Sacha Baron Cohen’s brainchild on the manners and mindlessness of America? One never ends one’s scathing remarks with not. So last sneer.