—Down Under source, regarding the Australian memorial service for Heath Ledger, at which Cate Blanchett not only kept it real for everybody but shone as well
Tons o’ folks are finishing up saying farewell to handsome Heath. Such a tragedy. We certainly need more of the non-Hollywood types who like to remain crusty, not burnished, around the edges, just like ballsy Mr. L. But now that the so-long dust is settling a tad, do you think perhaps the mysterious Olsen twin, as in Mary-Kate, will come under scrutiny once more for her alleged role in paramedics not being called right away for the drugged-out actor?
“They are not alike,” said the close Olsen chum. “[Mary-Kate] is scary.”
For many reasons, if you ask moi. Starting with: Why hasn’t MKO told the world why she had 10 billion calls with the masseuse who discovered Heath’s dead body before alerting the police? Even Heath’s put-upon parents saw fit to release more explanatory remarks to the world, clamoring for a little peace in this hideous sitch.We’re waiting, Mary-Kate. And just a little reminder-poo: If you think the way I held onto Eddie Murphy’s lame-ass “Good Samaritan” excuse as the reason he picked up a transvestite in the middle of the night is excessive, you ain’t seen bupkes yet.
Here's a thought. If Tom Cruise and Scientologists are the "authorities on the mind," and they can't pass an accident without helping because "they're the only ones who can help," why on earth didn't Tom and the Scientologists try to save Britney? Tom? Where are you, Tom?
Would you like the whole world to step in and help Britney, too? She needs the aid of her family right now, that’s what’s most important. Of course, we can see how well that’s going. I say throw the pop wreck into Betty Ford, already, and then decide.
Dear Cruise Licker:
Nothing to blab about? I thought Jersey chicks were supposed to be so sharp.
Why does everyone assume Kevin Federline is not a good parent? Your source in Wednesday's column was pretty snarky when they said, "Can you imagine a world where K-Fed is the preferred parent?" Hell yes! Shar Jackson has said from day one he is a fantastic father to all his children. Donna
Dear Canadian Bating:
Ever thought that maybe there’s perhaps a little (or big) green reason why Shar has always sung in the K-Fed–Britney choir?
Drew Barrymore and what's his face are so totally the schmoopy couple! You. Are. The. Best.
Dear What's. Your. Face:
You’re telling me!
What a joke—everyone knows Kirsten Dunst has been out of it for years. Have ya seen how skinny she is? By the way, sorry about Heath, but I don’t think a couple of prescription drugs caused a healthy twentysomething guy to die. Call it another Hollywood cover-up. Where's Dominick Dunne when we need him?
Orange County, California
I know who toothy tile is! Dick Cheney! We haven’t seen him for, what, six months? He really is in the closet.
You must drink as much as Dubya. Toothy Tile, for the record, is more than doable.
Yesterday was my partner's two-year anniversary for sobriety. She used every drug found in Heath Ledger's body, except the OTC cough medicine. My jaw dropped when I saw the list. My life partner could have died from things that I thought were okay because they were prescribed.
Dear Yeah, Right:
Is the entire Awful Truth readership inhaling from one giant communal crack pipe today?
This is definitely Matt Damon as Furrowed Frank. He really needs to get out of the closet ASAP.
Furrowed Frank = Rocco DiSpirito?
Way too butch, dear.
I was wondering, is Bravado Boom-Cocks from One Remind Us Never to Sleep Over There Blind Vice Adrien Brody?
Queens, New York
Dear Quite Close:
No, but you’re surely in the right dark-haired, diff-looking cojones park.
What, no more Vanity Fair party? You mean those spoiled, overprivileged rich folks have no place else to go to discuss how wonderful they are? Or to count all the free swag they nabbed? No more free Cristal? No place to fake air-kiss each other? Gee, my heart bleeds for them. Not!
[Name not provided]
East Windsor, New Jersey
Didn’t you see Sacha Baron Cohen’s brainchild on the manners and mindlessness of America? One never ends one’s scathing remarks with not. So last sneer.