Just how much havoc does Brit-Brit Spears normally cause at the Bev Hills Hotel in any given tabloid deadline period? Apparently, a lot. Plus, readers toss back their toxic whatevers, it's just a normal outta control crank-a-thon Tuesday!
Fame Pictures
Before we get to wholly checked-out cheekiness (cranky-butt reader mail), let’s rezoom in one more time on Brit’s fave asylum away from the asylum, the Beverly Hills Hotel: "I heard the choppers over my head, and I thought, Oh, it’s Britney.”
Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.com
One of our snippy sources at the Beverly Hills Hotel was anything but stunned by the Brit mania that occurred last week, when the freshly psych-ward-sprung trainwreck brought her traveling circus of paps into the hotel’s lobby. Just another average day at the posh place that everyone from a mourning Michelle Williams to a bonkers Brit calls home, some more temporary than others.
Our nostalgic leaker hearkens back to a simpler time, when Jayden James was just a glimmer in Brit’s dilated pupils. B dined at the hotel’s Polo Lounge with a then yet unphotographed Sean Preston cooing in her lap. “She was such a sweetheart,” sighs our loose-lipper, who served the pop tart and her bouncing baby boy right before she was just beginning to unravel. “Then.”
It has been quite some time since we’ve heard somebody call Britters a saccharine somethin’ or other, or anything appealing. I forget there are other adjectives to describe Spears besides bat-merde insane. For the record, I contest that Brit ain’t the craziest thing to be found at the Beverly Hills Hotel—the six-dollar iced tea is. And I’m not talking Long Island-style—it’s just tea with ice. Now, that’s loco. No wonder the bitch loves it there.
Dear Ted:
Is the woman Toothy Tile's currently using as a beard also using him as a beard? In Old Hollywood, there were "lavender" marriages and relationships between two gay people of the opposite gender to throw off the public's suspicions. Do these still exist?
Nan
Des Moines, Iowa
Is the woman Toothy Tile's currently using as a beard also using him as a beard? In Old Hollywood, there were "lavender" marriages and relationships between two gay people of the opposite gender to throw off the public's suspicions. Do these still exist?
Nan
Des Moines, Iowa
Dear Crack Addict:
Get high much?
Get high much?
Dear Ted:
What in your celeb-addled brain makes you think it’s okay for Denise Richards to put her kids on a reality show? She claims to be protecting her children—I guess she follows the Lynne Spears method of mothering.
Regina
Hoover, Alabama
What in your celeb-addled brain makes you think it’s okay for Denise Richards to put her kids on a reality show? She claims to be protecting her children—I guess she follows the Lynne Spears method of mothering.
Regina
Hoover, Alabama
Dear Child Protective Services:
Guess Lynne never had to release her parenting book. No one would’ve bought the damn thing anyway, when you get how-not-to lessons for free every day at every local Los Angeles Starbucks.
Guess Lynne never had to release her parenting book. No one would’ve bought the damn thing anyway, when you get how-not-to lessons for free every day at every local Los Angeles Starbucks.
Dear Ted:
It just hit me. One Lamentable Blind Vice, about the gay man who married and had a child but was rethinking it...was it Heath?
Amy
Chicago
It just hit me. One Lamentable Blind Vice, about the gay man who married and had a child but was rethinking it...was it Heath?
Amy
Chicago
Dear Good Guess:
Very close, but no same-sex cigar, sorry. Wrong hair color, slightly older.
Very close, but no same-sex cigar, sorry. Wrong hair color, slightly older.
Dear No for Joe:
I have no doubt J.F. probably partook in some college canoodling before being sent to the pokey, but Über-Cool Unzipped ain’t this jerk gone mild. Think a lot—tons—more respectable than this schmoe.
I have no doubt J.F. probably partook in some college canoodling before being sent to the pokey, but Über-Cool Unzipped ain’t this jerk gone mild. Think a lot—tons—more respectable than this schmoe.
Dear Ted:
Couldn't agree more with you about Sundance. This is hardly what Robert Redford intended for the festival. Their gluttony for media attention, parties and free swag spoil this event like a plague of locusts. Here's hoping Redford and company can come up with the appropriate solution. It would be a shame to have to close down this prestigious event.
Gen
Boston
Couldn't agree more with you about Sundance. This is hardly what Robert Redford intended for the festival. Their gluttony for media attention, parties and free swag spoil this event like a plague of locusts. Here's hoping Redford and company can come up with the appropriate solution. It would be a shame to have to close down this prestigious event.
Gen
Boston
Dear Sad-Dance:
How about submitting a 100-word essay on what purpose your presence will serve at Sundance? That’ll keep every Hilton sis out of the lounges, fer sure.
How about submitting a 100-word essay on what purpose your presence will serve at Sundance? That’ll keep every Hilton sis out of the lounges, fer sure.
Dear Ted:
I am still really upset for Jennifer Aniston. It must sting for her to have A.J. living her lifestyle. I know it has been three years, but it must really be hard for her. Do any of the A-listers she used to hang out with talk to her or even want to work with her? Like George Clooney? Wasn't she friends with him before Brad was?
Blazing
Boston
I am still really upset for Jennifer Aniston. It must sting for her to have A.J. living her lifestyle. I know it has been three years, but it must really be hard for her. Do any of the A-listers she used to hang out with talk to her or even want to work with her? Like George Clooney? Wasn't she friends with him before Brad was?
Blazing
Boston
Dear Rachel, Rachel:
Wow, you are really worked up over J.A.’s woes. You and In Touch Weekly’ll be worrying about Jen’s Ang-jealousy till the poor girl finally snags a man, since that’s all that makes a gal glad, right?
Wow, you are really worked up over J.A.’s woes. You and In Touch Weekly’ll be worrying about Jen’s Ang-jealousy till the poor girl finally snags a man, since that’s all that makes a gal glad, right?
Dear Ted:
You have to give Andrew Morton props for his book. There's no way Andrew can publish the gay rumors if he wants to eat for the next 20 years. Tom Cruise is sue-happy to anyone that even hints otherwise. I guess we will have to wait many years to find out.
Sandi
British Columbia, Canada
You have to give Andrew Morton props for his book. There's no way Andrew can publish the gay rumors if he wants to eat for the next 20 years. Tom Cruise is sue-happy to anyone that even hints otherwise. I guess we will have to wait many years to find out.
Sandi
British Columbia, Canada
Dear Dubious:
Don’t be so sure. The higher Will Smith rises, the more the (chatty) T.C. knaves will be out.
Don’t be so sure. The higher Will Smith rises, the more the (chatty) T.C. knaves will be out.
Dear Ted:
Über-Cool Unzipped from One Pigskin-Poked Blind Vice is Quentin Tarantino, right? You haven't revealed any Blind Vices lately. Don't you think it's time to fess up on this one? It's not like he's as criminal as Slurpa Pop-Off or as heinous as Super-Duper Cooper.
Jen
Iowa City, Iowa
Über-Cool Unzipped from One Pigskin-Poked Blind Vice is Quentin Tarantino, right? You haven't revealed any Blind Vices lately. Don't you think it's time to fess up on this one? It's not like he's as criminal as Slurpa Pop-Off or as heinous as Super-Duper Cooper.
Jen
Iowa City, Iowa
Dear Good as Guilt:
Tarantino’s college trysts are complete pulp fiction in this Blind Vice. But you're on the right (less fugly) track...
Tarantino’s college trysts are complete pulp fiction in this Blind Vice. But you're on the right (less fugly) track...
Dear Ted:
Is One Pigskin-Poked Blind Vice George Clooney? He is in that new movie Leatherheads, he's a "feted filmmaker," etc. Am I right?
Megan
Charlotte, North Carolina
Is One Pigskin-Poked Blind Vice George Clooney? He is in that new movie Leatherheads, he's a "feted filmmaker," etc. Am I right?
Megan
Charlotte, North Carolina
Dear Dude Det.:
Nope. George has enough sense to stay well within his own age range. He’s also still got enough class not to stake out freshman dorms for his future flames. Our correct guy’s great looking for his age, but he's not gorgeous enough to grace the covers of all the fan mags.
Nope. George has enough sense to stay well within his own age range. He’s also still got enough class not to stake out freshman dorms for his future flames. Our correct guy’s great looking for his age, but he's not gorgeous enough to grace the covers of all the fan mags.
Dear Ted:
I jumped off the Tom Cruise bandwagon years ago. The last movie of his that I saw from beginning to end was Interview with the Vampire, and that was only because of everyone else in the cast. He just doesn't do it for me anymore.
EJ
Houston
I jumped off the Tom Cruise bandwagon years ago. The last movie of his that I saw from beginning to end was Interview with the Vampire, and that was only because of everyone else in the cast. He just doesn't do it for me anymore.
EJ
Houston
Dear Fool:
You have not lived until you’ve seen Cruise, all temples bulging and brow sweating, scream about how more folks need to worship the penis in Magnolia. Treat yourself, darling, and then we’ll welcome you back to the quirky fold.
You have not lived until you’ve seen Cruise, all temples bulging and brow sweating, scream about how more folks need to worship the penis in Magnolia. Treat yourself, darling, and then we’ll welcome you back to the quirky fold.
Dear Ted:
Is Über-Cool Unzipped from One Pigskin-Poked Blind Vice Kevin Spacey?
Randy
Thousand Oaks, California
Is Über-Cool Unzipped from One Pigskin-Poked Blind Vice Kevin Spacey?
Randy
Thousand Oaks, California
Dear Unusual Suspect:
Kevin Spacey likes to think his love life’s an enigma to everyone...but we know for certain Über-Cool ain’t this American pose—or rose or whatever—although they have worked together on a past project.
Kevin Spacey likes to think his love life’s an enigma to everyone...but we know for certain Über-Cool ain’t this American pose—or rose or whatever—although they have worked together on a past project.
Dear Ted:
I think I remember from a few years back your reporting that Jennifer Garner could be considered quite short-tempered at times, on sets and with interviewers, and was the one who ended things with Scott Foley as her career shifted into higher gear faster than his own. Do you feel her outlook has matured since she's married now, is a few years older and has become a mother?
Stefanie
Pittsburgh
I think I remember from a few years back your reporting that Jennifer Garner could be considered quite short-tempered at times, on sets and with interviewers, and was the one who ended things with Scott Foley as her career shifted into higher gear faster than his own. Do you feel her outlook has matured since she's married now, is a few years older and has become a mother?
Stefanie
Pittsburgh
Dear Go Ask Alias:
Uh, no.
Uh, no.
Dear Ted:
It's not a hot tip in the usual sense, but I suggest you put in a dog door if you haven't got one already. They make dog doors for sliding glass doors if you don't have a wall or a hard door you're willing to salvage for one.
Gail
Eureka, California
It's not a hot tip in the usual sense, but I suggest you put in a dog door if you haven't got one already. They make dog doors for sliding glass doors if you don't have a wall or a hard door you're willing to salvage for one.
Gail
Eureka, California
Dear Pooch Type:
I’m sorry, I’m confused. Are you suggesting this for my Margo or for Paris Hilton?
I’m sorry, I’m confused. Are you suggesting this for my Margo or for Paris Hilton?
Dear Ted:
My first time emailing you. I'm thinking I may know who Bravado Boom-Cocks from One Remind Us Never to Sleep Over There Blind Vice is: Benicio Del Toro? Fits your descriptions.
Diana
Louisville, Kentucky
My first time emailing you. I'm thinking I may know who Bravado Boom-Cocks from One Remind Us Never to Sleep Over There Blind Vice is: Benicio Del Toro? Fits your descriptions.
Diana
Louisville, Kentucky
Dear Es Nada Del Toro:
Benicio’s not one of the usual suspects in this Blind Vice. Try a different sort of accent other than Benny’s Puerto Rican one.
Benicio’s not one of the usual suspects in this Blind Vice. Try a different sort of accent other than Benny’s Puerto Rican one.
Dear Ted:
This equal-opportunity cat and dog lover was sad to see that though your kitty-pie Butch got a well-deserved mention recently, there was no adorable thumbnail (à la Margo) to go along.
Janet
Philadelphia
Dear Feelin' Feline:
Butch says thanks, but he’s still gonna puke on the carpet tonight.
Butch says thanks, but he’s still gonna puke on the carpet tonight.
Dear Ted:
Thank you for being the voice of reason. I am sick of hearing unrelated people demand that Jake Gyllenhaal make a statement about Heath, or what to do when your good friend dies. Appalling! By the way, saw you on one of the U.K.'s countdown programs (100 Most Annoying Celebs), you looked radiant.
C.
London
Thank you for being the voice of reason. I am sick of hearing unrelated people demand that Jake Gyllenhaal make a statement about Heath, or what to do when your good friend dies. Appalling! By the way, saw you on one of the U.K.'s countdown programs (100 Most Annoying Celebs), you looked radiant.
C.
London
Dear Sympathetic C.:
Nothing's more annoying than impatient people crying for speeches. Thanks for the support, babe, but annoyance is in my DNA.
Nothing's more annoying than impatient people crying for speeches. Thanks for the support, babe, but annoyance is in my DNA.
Dear Ted:
One day you're raggin’ on Tom, the next day you totally retract what you said. So, Ted, did somebody get to you? You don't normally wimp out that fast.
Diana
Atlanta
One day you're raggin’ on Tom, the next day you totally retract what you said. So, Ted, did somebody get to you? You don't normally wimp out that fast.
Diana
Atlanta
Dear Lady on Her Rag:
I just realized that some of my readers are pussies and felt bad for Tom. Turns out I was right.