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    Dubious Duos?

    We check out the arm candy of Natalie Portman, Carrie Underwood and Jake Gyllenhaal and wonder why Kate Hudson donned high fashion for a football game! Plus, how Lauren Conrad's failing to impress at FIDM...
    Britney Spears INFphoto.com
    Which studs 'n’ studdettes are with each other (and not) these days, huh? H-town and its environs, including that other coast, fer sure, are full of strutters 'n’ teasers out the wazoo. I mean, when we don’t even know which of her myriad personalities Britney’s trotting out on a friggin’ hourly basis (Bitchy Drive-Thru Brit vs. Polite Jailbird Brit, for ince), how’s a goss girl supposed to cope? Well, read up on the following daring duos and make your own conclusions (always a good idea), 'kay?
    Natalie Portman Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

    Boy Double?  Remember how we told you Natalie Portman, that little intellectual jet-setter, went to hear the Dalai Lama speak in New Yawk? We swear, that bitch chose a dude who looks like her last love just to throw us busybodies off the mark. See, Nat was very snuggly during said speech with a guy who surely appeared to be her boyfriend.

    “She had her head on his shoulder most of the time,” says our enlightened onlooker. But who was the mystery man doubling as a pillow for Ms. Portman? Although he really looks like N.P.’s ex Gael García Bernal, said studmuffin was actually Nathan Bogle, who’s got similar dark features. The sorta-new twosome were “very low-key” as they listened. Is that what you call doing Dalai, prediddling? Bet it leads to really hot chants.
    Chace Crawford, Gossip Girl Eric Liebowitz /The CW

    Cooing Couture:  Congrats to Carrie Underwood for reportedly snaggin’ herself the hotness that is Chace Crawford. According to a few rags, these two byoots have been spotted snogging all over InWhySee. If you don’t know who this delicious C.C. dude is, he plays Nate on Gossip Girl, which has a permanent spot on our DVRs, as of late. I mean, how could you not love a show about gossing online, anonymously, you nasty heathen hons! Only fair we start doin’ the same to the soap’s stars, but just sign our names to it. Plus, the cute do-me clothes pick up where Sex and the City began. It’s all sort of a Carrie Bradshaw prequel, really.

    Carrie Underwood Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com
    Plus, the real Carrie must have a thang for those Lone Star lotharios, as her former flame Tony Romo is QB for the Dallas Cowboys, and Chace himself hails from Texas. Chace is a total upgrade from Tony, in our highly biased opinion. You eat it up (and him), girl!
    Jake Gyllenhaal James Devaney/WireImage.com

    Bumps in the Day:  Jake Gyllenhaal sure as hell lives to get the gossies in gonzo overdrive. Why, just this week, right after J.G. did Letterman, all shy 'n’ stuff, he pulls the same don’t-look-at me routine down in the Village—almost. 

    Desk Stealth just followed J.G. and his gorgeous amigo, a dead ringer for Austin Nichols (would just go ahead and say it was A.N. here, but, like, maybe Jakey’s pullin’ a Natalie Portman, choosing to hang with an Austin doppelgänger just to throw us snit-snoops off the mark?) for several blocks. Too fun for the ab-perf tum! D.S. embarked on an intrepid block-by-block Jake-athon, stealing close behind just for us, too kind.

    Austin Nichols Rena Durham/ZUMApress.com

    “They could have walked to the ferry, and I still would have followed them,” admits our pavement detective, so refreshingly honest (see, always loved those NY types, this is only one reason why). “All the while, they kept walking close to each other, like they were purposely trying to bump into each other, ya know what I mean?”

    We do, you baddie bro, we do! So, do continue:

    “At one point they had their heads briefly touching each other,” D.S. practically breathlessly relayed. “A short time after that came the friend's arm around Jake and the whisper to the ear. Then, the whole block before they got to West 12th Street," said the onlooker, J.G. & A.N. did a little digital dance. "Oh so cute!”

    John Travolta Theo Wargo/WireImage.com

    Deliciously so! But wait. We simply have to get ahold of ourselves here. See, before you nasty naughties out there start cackling, like, totally inappropriate things here, can’t two guys show affection for each other (just like women do) without people going to all sorts of kooky conclusions? Not to mention their publicists' speed dials… 

    I mean, John Travolta does it all the time! What’s the biggie?

    Denim Addendum:  “Both had on blue jeans wrapped around perfect butts,” added our boyish spy, above, for the really important deets. Jake’s dude-pal/whatever “probably had the better butt,” sassed our unsubtle source. “It was slightly rounder, and his jeans fit a bit more snuggly.”

    Sorry, Jakey, I know how it feels. I’m still smarting from the time Defamer blabbed I have no behind. So not true! I took a pic and showed the hateful folks how wrong they were, will you please now do the same for us? We’re waiting...high-quality pics preferred!

    Kate Hudson Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

    Boxed Bugles:  Oh, and the usually down-to-earth Kate Hudson wore a friggin’ cocktail dress to a football game last weekend. We kid you not. The blond babe was down in Dallas, Texas, for the Cowboys game against the New England Patriots. Cowboys lost, so sad. “She had on a bright blue sequined cocktail dress and was chowing down on chips,” says our supersurprised pigskin bud, who wasn’t exactly in tatters herself, but, well, it was a damn football game.

    Goldie Hawn Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

    Of course, maybe Kate’s fancy-ass attire was because she was sitting in the Pats owner’s box, where it’s all terribly stuffy and country club-esque (you have no idea what snobs Texans can be, especially when they’re so busy trying to pretend they’re anything but, trust). Now, was Kate on a date with the dude, or did she just happen to snag some sweet seats for free? Either way, Goldie’s gal was rooting against the Cowboys, natch.

    Owen Wilson, The Darjeeling Limited Premiere Eric Charbonneau/WireImage.com
    Jeez, g-friend, you tryin’ to make a statement or something with your cheerleading-in-couture routine? Dallas is, after all, where your ex Owen Wilson calls home. Oh, that’s it. You must have stepped sparkly out after a goodwill visit to the boy’s fam. Surely, that’s the case. Regardless, let’s take a break from these clandestine types, shall we? So, to take us out today, let’s just focus on the simple vixens, always a more sane endeavor.
    Lauren Conrad Gregg DeGuire/WireImage.com
    Our Awful readers in the Midwest aren’t the only people Lauren Conrad is apparently rubbing the wrong way. Not so hushed word is that enrollment is up at the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising, largely due to exposure gained from Lauren attending the midtown school. Also, The Hills filming L.C.’s attendance doesn’t hurt by a few million or so hungry fashionista eyeballs.

    But one Fashion teacher recently went off, saying Lauren-love is anything but. Nor is Conrad exactly a model student, says the teach. “She doesn’t even go here!” Professor Perturbed ranted to her class recently. “I mean, she goes here, but she comes to class, and that’s it. She’s not involved at all at this school!”

    Heidi Montag Amy Graves/WireImage.com

    Hey, who has time for extracurricular anything when you’ve got an internship at Teen Vogue, your own fashion line and invites to the hottest parties (none of which Lauren would have, we bet, if it weren’t for The Hills)? But at least the broad didn’t drop out altogether, like her ex-BFF Heidi Montag did.

    Was that bitchy to end with?

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