(WARNING: The below content features many obscenities and other insanities. Bow out now if you are easily offended by sorority girls gone wild off the deep end.)
Now that you've been warned about mature content, we'll let this sorority girl warn you about the emotional roller coaster you're about to experience: "If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f--king ride."
Gawker recently obtained an email sent out to the Delta Gamma chapter at the University of Maryland by one of their own sisters in which the sister (who Gawker has dubbed "Julia") conveys to her fellow Deltas how displeased she is by some of their behavior. And, in the process, uses the F-word 41 times.
The insane viralness of the email is on par with the insanity of Julia herself! Feel free to imagine that Colin Farrell à la In Bruges is reading you the below passages:
1. The Original Offenses: "I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f--king AWKWARD and so f--king BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to f--king find you on campus to do it myself."
(Question: Does Julia have a LoJack on every sorority sister? And, if so, is she also willing to track down every sister and polygraph them to see whether they have been literally awkward and/or boring in order to deliver a subsequent punch in the face?)
2. The Double Newsflash: "Newsflash you stupid c--ks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE F--KING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F--KING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F--KING SUCK SO FAR."
3. Julia Being...Julia: "Are you people f--king retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events."
(Question: Did anyone respond? Double f--king question: Is anyone else hoping that Julia's life inspires the collegiate follow-up Mean Girls has needed?)
4. The Punishment: "I will f--king c--t punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a f--k if you SOR me, I WILL F--KING ASSAULT YOU."
(Question: Not so much a question just a general, Oh my god. Did anyone else just imagine Julia ripping off her ponytail and hulking out?)
5. The Sign-Off: "And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a f--k. Go f--k yourself."
A Delta Gamma chapter president has since told Gawker that this email "does not reflect our chapter's values" (read the entire original email as well as the Delta rebuttal here). The email has already spawned a parody Twitter account and at least one dramatic reading.
But the real question: Should Julia be committed? Or should she be voted Delta Gamma president? Sure, her methods are a bit "extreme," but we guarantee you no one will be literally awkward or literally boring ever again so long as they live (which, with Julia around, might not be that long).