"And the quest to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh begins now," is how first-time Oscars host Seth MacFarlane kicked off the 85th annual Academy Awards.
Cue to: Tommy Lee Jones laughing!
The Family Guy funnyman's opening number was interupted by Captain James T. Kirk (that'd be William Shatner, people) who said he'd come back from the future to stop MacFarlane from becoming the worst. Oscar host. Ever.
Some things he was hoping to avoid? A song and dance number about boobs (featuring a cameo by Jennifer Lawrence), a recreation of Flight via puppets and Seth hitting on Sally Field dressed as the flying nun!
So what did his opening act eventually contain? Song and dance numbers (not about boobs) featuring Channing Tatum (who wasn't wearing a tearaway tux, unfortunately), Charlize Theron, Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Oh yeah, and cinema's biggest night came fully equipped with at least one jab at Chris Brown and Rihanna. Because, why not? While discussing Django Unchained, MacFarlane said, "Now that was an intense film. This is the story of a man fighting to get back his woman who has been subjected to unthinkable violence or as Chris Brown and Rihanna call it, a date movie."
To the audience's hesitant reaction, he quipped, "That's as bad as it gets, if that makes you feel better."
Some other choice lines:
On Argo: "The story was so top secret that the film's director is unknown to the Academy. They know they screwed up. Ben [Affleck], it's not your fault!"
"Amour got nominated. Or as I call it: This Is 90."
On Daniel Day-Lewis and his method acting: "If you bumped into Don Cheadle on the studio lot, did you try to free him? How deep did your method go?"
On the N-word controversy surround Django Unchained: "I'm told the screenplay is loosely based on Mel Gibson's voicemails." Which evoked a half-groan from the audience. "Oh, so you're on his side?"
On Jennifer Lawrence: "She told me backstage that, whether she wins or loses, it's just an honor that Meryl Streep wasn't nominated."