Universal/ParamountDear Ted:
This week's Rolling Stone article supports a great deal of what you've said about McCain. He's a very scary and not very nice man. Very informative. I wish all of America would read it—especially page eight where he calls his wife the C-word. I hate the C-word!
—Jeanco
Dear Cee U Next (Super) Tuesday:
I can’t stand the Cyruses, either.
Dear Ted:
Vaccination-Required Blind Vice—is it Shia LaBeouf? Seems to fit very well!
—Katsides
Dear Herpes Huntress:
Such a good guess, girlfriend, but uh, let’s say Finnegan Furrow-Brow isn’t quite as experienced in front of the camera as is Mr. La-Beef.
Dear Ted:
You should be outing Paris for mistreating her dogs, not Phelps for taking personal responsibility. I'm very disappointed in you.
—Janele, VA
Dear Good Gal:
I think you just took care of Ms. H quite nicely, babe, but let the record state: I’ve questioned Hilton repeatedly, and she adamantly denies she has ever harmed any animal in her possession, though just to watch her on a red carpet, you see that ain’t exactly accurate.
Dear Ted:
Just curious, what kind of ass do you feel like for throwing your support to a man who doesn't believe in "gay marriage"? Or did you miss that part of the debate last night? Considering that you knock Sarah Palin constantly for her views about family, you seem a little hypocritical now.
—Sterveen
Dear Ass-Wiped:
No, darlin’, 'tis you who should feel like a big blue donkey butt. I’ve said often times how I despise the fact that Obama isn’t pro gay marriage. Doesn’t mean I can’t vote for him. Candidates are like men: You’re never going to find one who’s perfect. Never.
Dear Ted:
Love you, mean it. Friday's are my favorite day because of your Blind Vices. I have a guess as to the ID of Finnegan Furrow-Brow. Is it Adrian Grenier?
—Amy, Ohio
Dear Yo, Adrian:
Way off career-wise, though a little less so in the looks department. Far hotter, too.
Dear Ted:
Skip the paperwork and fix the drywall you busted on your show. It's not that hard. I'm sure someone at a hardware store could help you out with instructions, e.g. new piece of drywall, fill cracks, prime, paint. Done. Probably cost ya 20 bucks. Loving Truth, Lies & Ted!
—Idsmith
Dear Happy Helper:
Thanks! Can you program my TiVo now?
Dear Ted:
You looked so much like Sarah Palin in that crazy wig and glasses on Truth. So over the top, I couldn't stop laughing. You both talk out of the side of your mouth. You have no idea how much I look forward to your comic relief. I'm still trying to find a job. Even though I'm struggling, I know I made the right choice moving back east away from Looneywood.
—Miss P
Dear Sounds Bitter:
Thanks, babe, just give both coasts equal pokes, that’s all I have to say. Looniness is rampant in Manhattan, I assure you.
Dear Ted:
Has Kirk Cameron ever been the subject of a Blind Vice? I know that behind his holier-than-thou facade there must be some shocking secrets. Is Kirk Reverential Ricardo?
—Bruce
Dear Dope:
No! And he never will be!
Dear Ted:
Dear Ted I agree with you, ref., Morning Piss poor boy brake makes a mistake and now?
—Laura
Dear Spellcheck, Please:
What are we agreeing on, exactly?
Dear Ted:
I belong to a Whitney Houston website called "Classic Whitney," I’m sure you've heard of it. I have started a petition which I would like you to check out if you don't mind. Whether Clive Davis gets to know about it or not who knows, but would you please check it out and let people know that we fans have had enough of this waiting!
—Neal
Dear Wearing Thin on Whitney:
A petition’s not gonna do a damn thing if the lady in question won’t get—and keep—her ass in a studio. Nice effort, tho! Good luck!
Dear Ted:
I have been hearing about Sharon Stone being accused of being over the top for wanting to have her son's feet shot with Botox for bad odor. It has been used for this reason for over 20 years and my friend's son’s feet smelled so bad his shoes were not allowed in the house after he took them off. The treatment works. It also works on people who sweat too much. I had to write in because everyone acts as if it is a horrible thing to do this to your kid, but believe me, when you smell so badly people are avoiding you, Botox doesn't look so crazy.
—Snivley
Dear Smelling Stone:
Usually it’s after too much Botox that people start to avoid you.
—Additional sass by Becky Bain