Rihanna says she's having trouble meeting guys. If she can't get a man, what hope do the rest of us have?
—Serpentine, via the inbox
You're assuming that Rihanna is telling the truth in the latest issue of Elle—and not just making a ham-handed bid for public sympathy stemming from her questionable taste in guys. But, all right. I'll play along. In the mag, Rihanna says, "my job seems to affect every relationship I have or try to have." If that's the case, she's going about this boy search all wrong, and I have proof:
And that proof is other celebrities.
Rihanna, honey, plenty of stars have even busier careers than you, and yet they've all managed to find mates who—at least, in public—make them happy. Jennifer Lopez, who has, like, eight jobs, probably hasn't slept alone since the turn of the century. (And, as far as I can tell, none of the mates I'm about to mention beat up their significant others. Just sayin'.)
So how do busy stars find love, given their horrible, horrible schedules? Here's a primer:
Gwyneth Paltrow She went to a Coldplay concert in 2002, and, being Gwyneth Paltrow, got backstage, where she met the frontman and eventually married him. My point: If RiRi wanted to meet—well, any member of any band on earth—she's Rihanna. She could do that. And she can't blame her busy schedule for failure, either; Paltrow likely has just as much going on as Rihanna does.
Jennifer Lopez: For anyone in the music business, finding a mate really can be as simple as turning around. Jennifer Lopez reportedly met backup dancer Casper Smart on the set of American Idol. Rihanna, if you're on a stage, chances are, there are ripped, shirtless, dancing dudes standing behind you. Right now. And if you're all on tour, they have the same schedule as you.
Tom Cruise He wanted a wife, he got one; in 2005, he called Katie Holmes and asked for a meeting in his office. He liked what he saw and asked her out for sushi. Aboard his private jet. Say what you will about their marriage, but the guy doesn't mess around. Rihanna, I understand that Adam Levine is back on the market. And I'm sure you have an office somewhere. Don't make me spell this out for you.
Reese Witherspoon Her husband, Jim Toth, works for her talent agency, CAA. He never repped her, and they met outside of work, but they're both in the same business, and if any guy can understand Witherspoon's sched, it's Toth.
If that scenario doesn't work for you, RiRi, there's always Brangelina, who met on a movie set.
And didn't you just film Battleship? That movie with Alexander Skarsgård in it?