Because while the heiress does a lot of things on her new single, "Drunk Text," singing can almost certainly not be counted among them.
Uh, Recording Academy? You may want to sit down for this...
Instead, Hilton raps speaks in a monotone over the Manufactured Superstars-provided beat...and that's pretty much it. The music video was released today, but was mercifully quickly pulled from YouTube with little explanation other than a violation of a copyright claim by Black Hole Recordings.
Still, the instant infamy of the viral-destined footage couldn't be contained, and the video, in which Paris purrs and writhes her way around a club in a series of ever-more body-conscious dresses, then popped back up on more accommodating sites, like Vimeo. Sadly, now those, too, have since been removed. (The Internet, however, will not be denied: some of the choicest audio snippets can still be heard.)
Hmm...it's almost as though someone doesn't want the world to see it? Luckily, even if you missed it the first two times, photographic evidence lives on, and nestled among the lyrics were such hear-'em-to-believe-'em bon mots like, "If you take the word 'sex' and mix it with 'texting,' it's called 'sexting'/When you add drunk sexting, the words just don't make sense."
We know the feeling.
Having completed the bizarre mathematical portion of the song, she set her sights on grammar.
"It's a hot mess of misspelled obscentities, body parts and run-on questions/I'm not sure what he means to ask.
"Behind my eyes, I was begging for things my lips would never ask/And my mouth kept pouring desperate clauses of random intent." OK, then.
"No one is safe from the Twittersphere anymore." Certainly not Paris, and not after this.
"It's just another moment, one stupid reply can lead to the walk of shame," she intones. "And I'll be damned if I end up in some lame diner after this/last night's lingerie in my purse/it was just a drunk text...this is the last time I'll ever drink and text."
So...instant classic, or what?