It wasn't just the fashion that made the 1980s a scary time. Not tonight, anyway.
It was '80s night on Dancing With the Stars, and, from Hope Solo's bleeding lip to Carson Kressly's cheerleading routine to Nancy Grace's prom dress, it was a tough decade to relive.
And those were just the first three routines!
We're big Carson fans, but his jive—which was more bare-bones jitterbug than jive—made us think Anna Trebunskaya has given up on him and isn't bothering to even try to teach him tricky moves.
Len Goodman came down rather hard on Hope's lumbering tango, as well he should have, but then he ended up giving her one of three 8's, so all the constructive criticism meant very little. Carrie Ann Inaba also told the soccer star that she pictured her being at the top for weeks to come and...we're just befuddled by that.
Maks Chmerkovskiy came down hard on Hope, too—her lip was bleeding a bit after their performance!—but his smackdown was unintentional.
Carrie Ann was right, though, when she told Nancy that she needed to dance with more passion. The judges appreciated that her rumba wasn't too raunchy, but Nancy practically looked embarrassed to be in Aussie hottie Tristan MacManus' arms. She should really enjoy that part while it lasts.
About an hour into the show, J.R. Martinez finally got week five rolling with a snappy samba that had a 10-wielding Bruno Tonioli raving about the volcano down below and Carrie Ann fanning herself off.
"¡Muy caliente!" she exclaimed. "I want more of that!" (We agree, but it would be nice if more contestants were capable enough so the judges could spread the love around.)
Really coming through in the rumba department was Rob Kardashian, who gave his strongest—and yes, hottest—performance yet, and got his first 9 for his efforts.
"Don't keep trying to do the splits," warned Len, "because you could ruin your potential." Potential? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
David Arquette's leather-jacketed tango with Kym Johnson to "Tainted Love" was pretty hot, as well, with the actor once again proving himself more adept at the intense, romantic dances than the jaunty, fast ones like the jive. (Do you think, in his mind, he's leading Courteney Cox around that floor?)
Perhaps still inspired from mama Cher's floor-side support last week, a no-longer-injured Chaz Bono, turned in his best dance since week one, an energetic and rhythmic samba.
Bruno kind of unnecessarily pointed out that it was hard to compare it to a "brilliant" samba like J.R.'s, but Chaz seemed comfortable trusting his fate to his fans tonight.
Ricki Lake capped off the night with a Roger Rabbit-heavy ('memba that?) fox-trot that ultimately worked against her. The fox-trot parts were lovely, but to "Easy Lover," really?
Here's how the leaderboard stacked up tonight:
J.R. Martinez & Karina Smirnoff: 28
David Arquette & Kym Johnson: 25
Rob Kardashian & Cheryl Burke: 25
Hope Solo & Maks Chmerkovskiy: 24
Ricki Lake & Derek Hough: 24
Nancy Grace & Tristan MacManus: 22
Chaz Bono & Lacey Schwimmer: 21
Carson Kressley & Anna Trebunskaya: 19
Are the fans going to abandon Ricki as they did Chynnna Phillips? Who should leave tomorrow and not come back for Broadway week and the first group dance (not to mention performances by Kelly Clarkson and the Band Perry)?
Surely you have an opinion on the matter, so please share it in the comments section!