Tonight, Toddler & Tiaras brings us the lengthy-named Glamour Girls Hearts & Crowns Winter Extravaganza in Bristol , Va.
So why is this competition so special? Because its pageant director is Madonna!
No, not the Material Girl, but a woman named Madonna Durbin, who tells us this event is "a themed winter wonderland pageant." Yay, just in time for Labor Day—thanks for the bonus eps, TLC!
First we meet Maddy. The 4-year-old is following in the footsteps of mom Lindsay, who started in pageants when she was 9 months old. Yeesh. Even Lindsay Lohan still got to be just a regular baby at that age (too bad we can't say the same for the Olsen twins).
Next is Queen, a 10-year-old who has only being doing pageants for a year but does appear to have some decent-size plastic tiaras to reflect her success in the arena. And unlike most of the kids on T&T, it was actually Queen's request to partake in this wacky pastime.
Wait, is Queen is sewing her own costumes? She's like a younger version of Project Runway's Anya Ayoung-Chee—beauty queen and designer. Long live the Queen!
Oh dear. Our last featured little darling is Madison. Mom Laura—who pretty much admits her two kids drive her crazy—uses some of our favorite code words for a child that's a brat, calling the 5-year-old "spunky" and "a little crackerjack."
Back to Maddy. Her outfit of choice is mom's old Dolly Parton getup, which features—holy crap!—both padded boobs and booty. Swap the blond wig for a brunette one, and you could be J.Lo or Kim Kardashian in that outfit.
Sigh. Just as we were starting to love Queen's mom, Rosa, she takes her daughter to get her eyebrows waxed, rationalizing that they only do it for pageants. At least Queen seems happy throughout the whole appointment; no tears, all smiles and admiring her new brows. She even thanks the cosmetologist. Have we ever heard a kid say "thank you" on this show before?
Since Queen's waxing wasn't traumatizing to watch, Toddlers shows us Madison getting fitted for her flipper. The poor kid cries as the dentist shoves a giant gooey impression tray into her little mouth, chanting, "Breathe through your nose." Seriously, it's worse than the torture scene in Marathon Man.
Pageant time! Some girls (Maddy, Queen) perform better than others (Madison). Sadly, Maddy's Outfit of Choice looks a lot more like Anna Nicole Smith than dear Dolly.
On to crowing. Madison nabs Overall Natural Photogenic, while Maddy scores medals for Best Fashion, Best Hair and Most Photogenic in her age group and Overall Sweetest Face.
But Queen reigns, taking Most Beautiful, Most Photogenic, Outfit of Choice and Winter Wear in her division and the event's top title, Grand Supreme. Queen says her next goal is to win Miss Universe. Take that, Miss America.
Do agree with the judges? Were you awed—or horrified—by Maddy's Parton padding? Sound off in the comments!