Well, that was a doozy.

It's the Universal Royalty Grand Nationals in Austin, Texas, and tonight's nasty excuse of a pageant pretty much featured adults taking candy from babies.

Let's discuss this trainwreck, shall we?

Fransoly, My Dear... First off, we have a new winner in the Craziest Name category: Dianely! Let's all make our names adverbs: I Sarahly apologize for my Ericly quick exit. Di's mama, Fransoly, tells her 7-year-old daughter that she simply cannot love all the colors in the rainbow and she can only chose one. How Dianely of her!

Her Name Was Lola... She was a diva/ With lots o' hairspray in her hair and a cupcake dress from there/ She loves her Malee but more so sugar/ And while she wants to be a star, sugar only goes so far/ Lola chomps cube plus cube/ It's OK to be rude/ In pageant land that's "personality," so bring that at-ti-tude! (To be sung to the opening verse music of "Copacabana," natch.)

The Crying Game: Poor 6-year-old Hailey. Each time they cut back to her she was in tears about something. Her family seemed sweet for the most part, aside from their "beauty is pain" mantra.

All-Ages Show: Anybody and everybody could compete for the $10K cash prize at this event. Which means you have middle-aged women in bikinis competing against toddlers who look like middle-aged women in bikinis. Pageant director Annette Hill tells us, "The toughest competition is definitely gonna be between the ages of 3 and up." Gee, ya think?!

Creep Factor: Speaking of women in bikinis...How icky was that judge who outright ogled the legal-aged ladies then smirked about how that was a "stiff group"? Gross!

The Moral of the Story: Cute sugared-up Lola was crowned Queen of her age division, while weepy Hailey nabbed 2nd Runner-Up (ouch!) and back-flippin' Dianely took Princess (aka 1st Runner-Up) in theirs. And that Ultimate Grand Supreme $10,000 prize? It went to 20-year-old buxom blonde Hannah Douglas.

Out of the Mouths of Babes: Dianely summed it up pretty well, "I think Hannah was good...but I'm kinda confused about a 20-year-old beating a 7-year old." But Hailey nailed it, "It was not fair, because she was really big. It's not fair to the others who are little." Amen.

So are you as annoyed about this turn of events as much as we—and the poor kids!—are? Vent away in the comments!

PHOTOS: Reality TV's Mommies Dearest

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