A whole week's worth of celebutainment is a lot, we know, which is why we do our very best to break it down for you right here every Saturday.
So without further ado, here's your guide to all the news from the last seven days that was fit to print (and, in some cases, mercilessly mock). Have at it!
KRAZY TALK: Kim Kardashian cried foul when OK! ran its "I'm Having a Baby!" cover featuring the engaged E! star. Not so much because she's not having a baby (but for the record, she's not preggers), but because the magazine was using foul, foul trickery in its wording. When inquiring minds bother to open the mag, they'll see that the story isn't even about an actual pregnancy, but about Kim's supposed plan to one day have a baby. Someone needs a lesson in semantics....Plus, some exclusive scoop on how Kris Humphries popped the question.
OMFG: Nude self-portraits of Blake Lively that weren't really nude self-portraits of Blake Lively hit the Internet, prompting her to sic her legal dogs on whoever dared to first post them. Whatever they are.
NO LONGER THERE FOR HER?: Don't you hate it when your best girlfriend is super supportive, but then gets all high-and-mighty on you when your relationship behavior starts reminding her of her ex's? Well, that was supposedly happening to Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston, with Jen disapproving of Court remaining legally married to David Arquette while running aroundlike a single gal. Well, we hope Courteney is a fan of Justin Theroux, because Aniston's rep says the two remain dear friends.
SCARY SMASHUP: "Beautiful Girls" singer Sean Kingston suffered a broken jaw, a fractured wrist and water inhalation after crashing his jet ski into Palm Island Bridge while cruising Miami Beach's Biscayne Bay. The 21-year-old was hospitalized in critical condition and his recovery is expected to take at least six weeks. Never Say Never (you can say that again) buddy Justin Bieber was among the pals who tweeted their regards.
POPPED: Pink and Carey Hart welcomed daughter Willow Sage, their first f--king perfect child together. We hear she's earthy, with a calming scent and vibrant green color.
SACRÉ BLEU!: Bradley Cooper became yummier than a George Clooney-Johnny Depp sandwich on whole-wheat David Beckham by showing off his fluent French on national station TF1. He switched back to English, however, when he and Rob Lowe unloaded on Sarah Jessica Parker on The Graham Norton Show.
JENNY FROM THE WHAT?!: Jennifer Lopez's pain-in-the-ass ex-hubby, Ojani Noa, is back in business, this time looking to sell X-rated footage of his former missus to the porn purveyor with the deepest pocketbook. You can bet that J.Lo's legal team is battening down the hatches, bringing out the big guns, getting ready to rumble, etc.
DANCES WITH RUMORS: Maksim Chmerkovskiy personally shot down suggestions that his super-flirty weekend with Cheryl Burke in Vegas was anything more than time spent with a friend, despite what at least looked like a makeout sesh.
SERIOUSLY?: Yes, Lindsay Lohan's ankle monitor went off while she was supposed to be on house arrest, but no, she didn't do anything wrong. Chalk the false alarm up to malfunctioning equipment (for a change). When the cops arrived, she was on her patio reading scripts and practicing the art of product placement.
LOVE HURTS: Justin Timberlake admitted to both having a long relationship and breaking up with Jessica Biel in an in-depth interview with Vanity Fear. He wishes everyone didn't think they ended because he cheated on her a lot. But apparently things were comfortable enough between them to enjoy some food and conversation at a party in Brentwood this week.
RUING THE DAY: Paris Hilton and mom Kathy shared tears and a hug as they reminisced about the horrible time when Paris got famous for being in a sex tape.
ROYAL FLUSH: Newlywed Prince William is back to playing on his ponies, this time at a charity polo match in Chester, England...Pippa Middleton and friends took an excursion to Paris, where she dined at Cinq-Mars and danced at Le Montana.
GRIST FOR THE MILL: Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson's epic romance has ended...Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen (and Olivia Wilde) are just friends...But what about Hayden Panettiere and Mark Sanchez? We know she likes guys who can fit her in their pockets...Are the Spice Girls heading out on tour?
PARENT TRAP: Camille Grammer is going after full custody of the kids in response to Kelsey's Grammer's bid for full custody of one of the kids...Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller have reached their umpteenth agreement regarding their twin sons.
TV LAND: Patrick Dempsey's future on Grey's Anatomy is up in the air...Jane Lynch will host the presumably hilarious, bitingly clever Emmys...The polizia suspended Snooki's license in Italy (why she'd want to be on those roads in the first place is beyond us) after she smacked into a police car in Florence...Heidi Klum will be sacrificing her clothes for the sake of Project Runway...Mariska Hargitay is going to miss Christopher Meloni on Law & Order: SVU...Charlie Sheen's image has been stripped from the WB lot...Chris Harrison dishes on that awful Bentley from The Bachelorette...The Voice lands 2012's plum post-Super Bowl spot...19 Kids and Counting is back...Jimmy Fallon's NBCU bosses put him to work at Universal Studios...Kate Gosselin goes clubbing...Here's some advice for George Lucas should his Star Wars TV series ever happen...Celebrity trainer Dolvett Quince joins The Biggest Loser...Cheryl Cole isn't on The X Factor in the U.K. now, either...The new season of True Blood creeps ever closer...Summer 2011 TV preview.
LAW & DISORDER: Billy Bob Thornton's 32-year-old daughter, Amanda Brumfield, was convicted of aggravated manslaughter in the death of a 1-year-old...In Plain Sight's Nichole Hilitz was detained due to a "misunderstanding"...Ice Road Truckers alum jailed in Florida for alleged wife-beating...Andy Dick sued for dicking around.
BABY BOOM: Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak welcomed her third child and first with fiancé Kroy Biermann, son Kroy Jagger Biermann...Joey McIntyre and wife Barrett welcomed their third child, daughter Kira Katherine.
ENGAGEMENT RING: Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey threw a joint wedding shower attended by Drew Lachey, Matt Leinart and presumably others at the London West Hollywood...Molly Simms said yes to tying the knot with producer Scott Stuber.
WEDDING BELLS: Candice Crawford and Tony Romo swapped vows, with Candice wearing a more tricked-out version of this...Style Network star Niecy Nash wed engineer beau Jay Tucker, her second trip down the aisle.
MUSICAL NOTES: Adele forced to pull the plug on her North American tour...Hear Joe Jonas' first solo single...Check out the Kardashian-Jenner sisters making "E.T." their own...Rihanna stands by her "Man Down" video, implores critics to get a clue...Amy Winehouse switches to out-patient status after a week in rehab...Bono is not averse to hitchhiking (good thing he was in Canada, where people are nice)...Scotty McCreery's "I Love You This Big" was bigger than big...Lady Gaga nearly took down Amazon single-handedly...No more pink horses in Selena Gomez's "Love You Like a Love Song" video...Shia LaBeouf will direct Kid Cudi's "Marijuana" video...Gaga just flipped the bird at a Mets game, but Avril Lavigne actually dropped an F-bomb on the Tampa Bay Rays.
SCREEN PLAY: As has become the tradition, the Robert Pattinson-Kristen Stewart-Taylor Lautner triumvirate will present the first look at Breaking Dawn Part 1 at the MTV Movie Awards. Until then, there's this...Get ready for a four-part Hunger Games franchise (with Donald Sutherland)...The Hobbit films have names...The ubiquitous Shia compares Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's Michael Bay experience to Megan Fox's...Behind the scenes of Transformers: Dark of the Moon...An Inglourious Basterds prequel?...A Hangover threequel?...Gwyneth Paltrow brings her advice-dispensing talents to Facebook and Twitter...More clues to the Super 8 puzzle...Miley Cyrus is in her undies in Undercover...Leonardo DiCaprio was forced to age quickly for J. Edgar...Blake Lively has a muscled place to hang her head in Green Lantern...Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand are rather hairy in Rock of Ages...Jessica Alba needs hubby Joel McHale to realize she's a spy in Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World...X-Men: First Class gets an A; meet the mutants.
TRAILER PARK: David Fincher appears to be returning to his in-your-face Seven and Fight Club roots with the fiercely hip-looking The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo...Why is James Franco's character so dumb in Rise of the Planet of the Apes?...Seth Rogen lends cancer-stricken Joseph Gordon-Levitt his manscaper in 50/50...Channing Tatum tries to make Rachel McAdams remember in The Vow...Katie Holmes isn't the scariest part of Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.
FAREWELL: James Arness, iconic star of Gunsmoke, died of natural causes at 88...Clarice Taylor, stage and screen actress best known for playing Cliff Huxtable's mother in The Cosby Show, died of heart failure at 93...Gil Scott-Heron, singer and spoken-word artist whose "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" cemented his place as a progenitor of rap and hip-hop, died at 62; he had been hospitalized in New York after returning from a trip to Europe.
HOSPITAL CORNERS: Camp Rock 2's Matthew "Mdot" Finley suffered multiple compound fractures and needed surgery after plunging off a cliff with his motorcycle near Malibu...Matt Damon's dad is currently in remission from multiple myeloma...Whitney Houston's rep vehemently denies that the diva is battling emphysema...Sarah Ferguson's daughter Princess Eugenie told the story of undergoing major surgery to correct scoliosis.
FASHION FRENZY: Naomi Campbell is pissed about being used poorly in a Cadbury chocolate ad...Does Jessica Biel think her mascara is out to get her (if it's even real) in this Darren Aronofsky-directed Revlon commercial?...Leighton Meester is all in love and drenched in Vera Wang Lovestruck...Mark Jacobs has opted not to sue Justin Bieber over the kid's Lola-reminiscent new fragrance...Ashlee Simpson is joining sis Jessica Simpson as she expands into the tween-clothing market...Shenae Grimes is spending her 90210 hiatus at Teen Vogue...Dan Wheldon won the Indy 500 in a car sponsored by Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala's William Rast line.
SEEN: Ben Affleck sporting a black eye as he and Jennifer Garner headed out to pick up Violet from school...Blake Lively taking a call ("no, those pics are not me!") while pleasure-boating with Leo in Europe...Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber and his family leaving a store in Toronto...Jake Gyllenhaal catching a movie with a grade-school pal at Arclight Cinemas in Hollywood...Usher's son, Usher Raymond V, making eyes at a cherry-red motorcyle parked in West Hollywood after eating lunch at Real Food Daily with dad...Sarah Palin discussing the dire state of the world with Donald Trump and his wife Melania over pizza at Famous Famiglia in NYC...LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian touching down at LAX after honeymooning in Cabo San Lucas.