If you were camping out in line to score tickets to Charlie Sheen's one-man show and missed some vital Soup, now is the time to catch up.
1. Sister Wives: Wife Meri—is she number two or three?—is no slacker. In fact, while other wives get to lay around the multi-family house all day, she's got to bring in the bacon. And when she's home, she obsesses on the American flag. What it means, who knows.
One down, four to go, Soup fiends.
2. Dancing With the Stars: Great big talent Kirstie Alley has made her layers of fat work for her. She's created a cottage industry (or should we say cottage cheese industry) of fat-related shows, now including DWTS.
3. The Real Housewives of Miami: Elsa is a witch. Larsa is insecure. Perfect. Let the voodoo magic begin.
4. America's Next Top Model: If you thought that smizin' Tyra was utterly impervious to negativity, her Kryptonite has been revealed! And if you're reading this, you're on it!
5. Bad Girls Club: If you've ever asked yourself, how much education does it take to become a bad girl, the answer is here.