Bitch-Back! Who Is Rihanna Really Sexting?

Readers curious as to which gentleman is under Ri-Ri’s umbrella

Dear Ted:
Rihanna has linked with just about every guy under the sun. Drake, Ryan Philippe, Colin Farrell and her ex. Now that the restraining order has been dropped to a level one, will she have any contact with Chris Brown? I really hope she is smart and stays away from him. Personally, I think she should stay away from rappers, athletes or anyone in the entertainment business. A doctor, lawyer or businessman would probably be a better fit for her. But it's her life. I just hope she finds happiness with someone after what she went through. What is the real deal? Is she involved with anyone?
—Z

Dear Juggler:
Rihanna is a gal after Awful's own heart. She's spunky, hot and knows how to have a good time. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if she's juggling all of those guys, Chris Brown excluded. Just because she's moving on doesn't mean she's moving on with him. Oh, and for what it's worth, I'm not entirely disbelieving of the Ryan-Rihanna couple-night stand. Let the girl have some fun—she's not looking to get serious.

 Dear Ted:
Why does Selena Gomez never admit she is dating someone to the media? With every relationship she has had, she's always playing this is-she, isn't-she game!
—Nono

Dear Mums the Word:
Look how well it works for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart? Although those two are starting to take it a little overboard. I swear, if what we're hearing is really in the April issue of Vanity Fair, it's just getting absurd at this point, with Rob trying to play coy about his relationship. We heart Selena, and the less she talks about whatever relationship she's in, the less she has to talk about it when it ends.

Dear Ted:
My crotchety old rescue rat, Lard Ass, and I are interested to know how nervous Sandra Bullock is about Jesse James' rumored tell-all book. And is the book all she needs to worry about?
—The Lardy Ladies

Dear Bad Bullock:
I doubt Sandy is shaking in her boots. She hasn't even made it into our Blind Vice section for frick's sakes. Jesse may be a supreme douche, but he's humiliated his ex-wife enough. I'd be shocked if he didn't play nice to her on this one. He also has future legal battles with Sandy to worry about if he doesn't, no small concern.

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to say I agree with your opinion of Kevin Spacey. Every time I see him I want to give him a dope slap for being so full of himself. What a bag of wind. He really thinks he is sooo wonderful.
—Miss P

Dear Outer Space:
You said it, not me!

Dear Ted:
I believe that King Schlong is Diddy. Am I correct?
—S

Dear Not Bad...
But not good, either. That's a negative. Think far less full of himself and better endowed.

Dear Ted:
I am so excited about the possibly of Annette Bening winning a much deserved Oscar, but I hate the idea of her marriage to one of my all-time faves ending (as seems to be the fate of Best Actress winners' marriages). Is there any hope she can win and still be with Warren Beatty, or am I wishing for too much?
—Ellen

 Dear TBD:
I'm certainly not convinced they'll make it to the end, but I wouldn't be quick to assume they would give up on all their years together (not to mention their large family) that quickly, either. What I do know is some of the stuff they are dealing with behind the scenes is very personal and can be debilitating to a relationship. Still, there are plenty of possibilities to the "which dude is leaving his wife post Oscars" Vice.

Dear Ted:
Is King Schlong Matthew McConaughey?
—Christine

Dear Way Off:
Hardly C. Matthew may have had heat back in the day, but King retains it impressively.

Dear Ted:
It seems like everyone wants a Niley reunion, but are they even on each other's radars as friends? Are they friends or just friendly because you never hear about them together anymore? I know they're both busy, but what's going on?
—Ricki

 Dear Unrequited Love:
The fact that they aren't on each other's radar and ignore each other at events makes me think there will be a reunion at some point. All that fiery passion doesn't just go away! There's a thin line between love and hate.

Dear Ted:
OK, so Lea Michele is a diva, but what does that mean exactly? Is she rude, bossy, snobby, demanding and mean? No one likes her because she is a diva, but what exactly is rubbing everyone the wrong way?
—J

Dear Broken Record:
Every quality you mentioned except one. I'll let you guess what it is.

Dear Ted:
My mom sat next to Hawaii 5-0's Grace Park on her way to Hawaii. She was really excited because we love the show. But she said Ms. Park was really unfriendly and refused to sign autographs! She said how hard it was to be on a TV show! Are all celebs like this?
—G

Dear 'Tude Patrol:
Sorry to hear that, tho you're the first person filling me in on Grace's unfortunate ‘tude. Often aspiring celebs are like this. It's the more established set that usually gets their friendly on much better. George Clooney and Matt Damon come to mind.