Who's crankier today, Awful readers or Kevin Costner, who's blaming the media for supposedly giving politicians too much power? I say it's a draw, but check it out for yourselves. Plus, Paris is so lying!
Swung by the Swing Vote premiere last week, 'cause it’s a family-friendly fluff flick, and everyone was obviously in a K-Fed domesticated mood. Caught up with star Kevin Costner and asked if he thought Hollywood and politics really should mix together. “Yeah, I think Hollywood is a part of the fabric of America. Whether it gets too much influence is up for you guys to decide—you can control that by just moving the mic to your left, and you won’t hear what somebody has to say.”
Flattered you consider us the gauzy middleman between the two, bro, but I can’t say it’s totally up for us to decide. Even though you’d never know it from the ads, Kelsey Grammer also stars in the film. The Gram-Man looked perky and healthy despite the fact he'd rehit the hospital days later. Since he plays a politician in the movie, I asked Kelsey who he thought lies more, politicians or actors. “Actors don’t lie. Not the good ones. They’re incapable of it.
“A good actor can only tell the truth,” Mr. G continued. “They lend the truth to a fantasy. But politicians lie.”
No merde. Hear that Mr. Obama? Mr. McCain? Now get ready for some real soapbox swearing!
Dear Ted:
I used to read your column for fun, but now it really has gone downhill. I could care less when you poke fun at druggie celebs and the many loonies, but to consistently belittle Tom, Katie and Suri has gone too far. This family has class and grace despite how you destroy them with lies. As for Maggie Gyllenhaal, you should visit various sites and blogs because she's not getting any love at all from her acting or her looks.
Bess
Las Vegas
Dear Kettle:
Picking on M.G. for her looks isn’t so nice, either. I’d never do such a thing.
Dear Ted:
Eva Longoria Parker recently said, “Gabrielle's a mom now...She’s really simple: She has no makeup, she’s frumpy, and so I cut my hair.” Is this twit so self-absorbed that she doesn't realize she just intimated that all women with short hair are frumpy?
Megan
Charlotte, N.C.
Dear Desperate Housewife:
Yes, but, even if Mrs. Parker were aware, she’d say it, anyway.
Dear Ted:
Tell me you heard Paris on KIIS-FM telling Ryan that the stories about her and Ronaldo were not true and now that she's with Benji she doesn’t look at other men. Does she think we are dumb? When will Benji wake up?
Chris
Houston
Dear Bachelorette:
Perhaps in time to give Pare-poo the heave-ho, first...which just might happen.
Dear Ted:
Why is there so much speculation about whether or not Nicole Kidman was truly pregnant just because she stayed so thin? There was nothing like these cruel innuendos made when Posh cranked out her three and still looked an anorexic fembot.
Valerie
Yuma, Ariz.
Dear Skinny-Side Up:
‘Cause there’s no doubt David ‘n’ Vicky were knocking boots every chance they got, that’s why.
Dear Ted:
I love Truth Lies & Ted, especially the pets. And if anyone is still taking hits at you for the Jen-Ben split prediction, it just means you're a force to be reckoned with. You should worry when they stop talking!
Katey
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Dear Pump-Up Pal:
Kind of like when the gay rumors start, you’ve made it?
Dear Ted:
You seriously think Brendan Fraser needs to lose weight? Having seen him in person, I can tell you that despite being able to tell that he has aged a bit, he’s very thin and still smoking hot. He's also a supersweet, very cool and a genuine guy. Please cut the poor guy some slack.
Jessica
Orlando, Fla.
Dear Gorge of the Jungle:
Afraid you’re stuck back in the ‘90s, sweetheart.
Dear Ted:
Do you think Sienna Miller's career can survive this Getty scandal? Is Hollywood that forgiving? I don't think the public can forgive a home wrecker.
Angie
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Dear Concerned:
Angie Jolie seems to be doing OK.
Dear Ted:
Wow, didn't see any of those bustups (Silverman, Blount, etc), but you have to go and completely fabricate the Affleck split? If you knew how to read, you would have seen when Ben said they were going to have another baby soon. Stupid of you not to have researched your "liar" sources before reporting your trash. You sure have egg on your face, sonny boy.
Gigi
Houston
Dear Grandma:
"Sonny boy"? What, are you 90?
Dear Ted:
Is it still true that the person featured in your Blind Vice is still named in your column the day the B.V. appears? Or since your column went daily, does the individual only appear sometime during the week when the B.V. is about to run?
Janie
Chicago
Dear Sneaking Around:
Darling, this is a gossip column, not Scientific American. We give clues all over the place, but it’s sort like sex—when we feel like it. And yes, often that's by mentioning the culprit elsewhere.
Dear Ted:
Is Aussie pro swimmer Ian Thorpe gay?
MacKenzie
Boston
Dear Homo Curious:
What, am I the Fagola Gazette or something?
Dear Ted:
You wrote: "National Lampoon’s Homo Erectus, which shows a gay cave man, played by Tom Arnold, getting clubbed to death for expressing himself. Where, oh where, was Isaiah Washington when that gratuitous part was cast?" To answer your question, Isaiah was donating to Equality California, one of the leading organizations fighting Proposition 8, which threatens to reverse the May ruling allowing same-sex marriages.
Renni
Oak Brook Terrace, Ill.
Dear Paid the Way:
Actions (and tongues) speak louder than money.
Dear Ted:
I thought you said that Jennifer Garner and Ben Afleck were heading for a divorce not another baby?
Patti
Buffalo, N.Y.
Dear Not Buyin’ It:
Who the hell says they can’t do both?
Dear Ted:
Is Sheila Muff-Driver from One Desperate-Diva Blind Vice Meg Ryan? She was everywhere until she made her "telephone-tossing man" mistake. There is definitely something funky inside her once gorgeous face.
Jennifer Joan
Chicago
Dear What About Sally:
Nope, ain’t Russell Crowe’s old married girlfriend. Think just as man-nuts, but older—more celebrated.
Dear Ted:
Is Sheila M.-D. Diana Ross?
Chefdiva
Monterey Park, Calif.
Dear Queen of the Wrong Age:
Even older, doll-babe.
Dear Ted:
Have to disagree with you regarding the choice of Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia. It’s great to see the powers that be look past age and go for true talent—similar to choosing Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man.
Pita
New York City
Dear Age Defying:
But Rob’s close-ups are much easier on the eyes.
Dear Ted:
I was just reading one of your columns from a few weeks back where you mentioned that Brad is living more of the luxe life with A.J. But wasn't he living that kind of life with J.A.?
Jessica
Tacoma, Wash.
Dear Nice Try:
Yeah, margaritas at Marix...It was a real jet-set existence.
Dear Ted:
You were dead wrong about Mamma Mia! I saw the Broadway show and the movie, and Streep was terrific, and Christine Baranski was not scary. What phobias you have?
Harriet
Princeton Junction, N.J.
Dear Scared Silly:
An overly ripe Meryl Streep playing a disco-bopping temptress did not turn me gay.
Dear Ted:
Loved your comments about Catherine Zeta-Jones. Doesn't she know that if she bites the hand that feeds her, the fact that she is much older than she says might become more public knowledge?
Christine
Denver
Dear Karmic Cutie:
Think you just took care of the task quite nicely, darling.
Dear Ted:
I really doubt Nicole Kidman was in the room when her baby was born. Am I too jaded?
Tara
Hills, Iowa
Dear Scary Spice:
You’re asking the wrong bitch.
Dear Ted:
Sad thing to hear about Brendan Fraser’s eating, but too funny the ad running on the right side of your page during that story was for Wendy’s. Coincidence?
Jennifer
Wilmington, N.C.
Dear Whoppin’ Truth:
Hardly. Don’t you know this column’s all about big, bad buns.
Dear Ted:
Is Sheila Muff-Driver Sharon Stone? I'm thinking the Academy Award nod was for Casino, and I believe she's rumored to be difficult to deal with. By the way, I completely agree with your point about Brendan Fraser and the gender-based double standard for comments about appearance.
Em
Cambridge, Mass.
Dear Gallbuster:
Very close on Stone, and most appreciated on Fraser, thanks, hon-pie.
Dear Ted:
You wrote that Tom C. and Will S. both have "obedient wives" in common. I always thought Will jumped when Jada said to. Am I wrong?
Valerie
Yuma, Ariz.
Dear Pants Confused:
Now that Willy’s the No. 1 paid actor in H'wood, the tables have certainly turned.
Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Vince Vaughn, and is Pickled Fickle from One Rent-a-Wreck Blind Vice Heather Locklear?
Gretas
Seattle
Dear Sexuality Crasher:
The real T2’s simply horrified you suggested Vaughn, horrified! See, Toothy’s rather svelte, and Pickled Fickle’s a man, dear. Give H.L. a little more credit.
Dear Ted:
Do the subjects of your columns ever threaten you? If I were you I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder. You've got nerve, babe!
Katie
Minneapolis
Dear Watchdog:
That’s what Margo’s for.
Dear Ted:
Is Public Thrust from One PDA Pooftah Blind Vice Emile Hirsch, and does Fake à la Ferocity have a really weird brother by chance?
Jim
Los Angeles
Dear One for Free:
Nope, think less hairy on the former, and Fake does have siblings.
Dear Ted:
I hate The Hills!
Jenny
Lansing, Mich.
Dear Silly:
That’s like saying you don’t like getting hickies. Isn’t the experience worth it?
Dear Ted:
Thanks for mentioning It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. It’s the funniest show ever!
Karen
Anaheim, Calif.
Dear Sunny in Cali:
Anytime, babe. It is mucho hilar.
Dear Ted:
Is Furrowed Frank from One Surprise, Surprise Blind Vice Luke Wilson? You're killing me with this one!
MiMi
Santa Rosa Beach, Fla.
Dear 10-Gallon Tease:
Sorry, sweets, the Texas doll is so the opposite of our more erudite, dude-sniffin’ dude.
Dear Ted:
I think Gerard Butler is absolutely gorgeous. Why don't we see him in more romantic movies?
Denise
Chattanooga, Tenn.
Dear PS Where Are You:
I prefer him sweaty, shirtless and angry.