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    Back and Ballsier Than Ever

    Our beloved mystery closet job, Toothy Tile, is back, dancing the out-me dance yet again in Blind Vice Friday. Plus, accused Christian Bale says some pretty foreboding things. And how the hell is Lindsay Lohan losing it this time?

    Christian Bale STEPH/Visual/ZUMA Press

    Christian Bale has always been pretty much close to crackers, and I’ve known this fact for some time. But let’s back up: As ya’ll know, Dark Knight hasn’t been the only thing making headlines; the man behind the utterly doable Batsuit has been, too. And as I’m a mucho big fan of Bale, even when he is fully clothed, I went back into my archives to dig up an interview from 2006 with C.B. to see if it could possibly shed some light on what to make of this ugly family squabble, which I’m told by sources close to the infighting clan, has merits on both sides. Though the reportedly near-extorting mom and sis to C.B. ultimately love, I'd say.

    Still, whether it’s dropping myriad pounds for flicks like The Machinist or Rescue Dawn, it’s pretty damn obvs Christian gets into his characters big-time. Could his demonic roles, like that of a man who attaches jumper cables to women’s breasts in American Psycho, indeed have started to intertwine with his personal life? When asking C.B. about how he prepares for certain roles, par-tick the badass ones, C told me: “It’s just allowing that person to sit in your head, and you come up with ideas over time.” Well, letting folks as loony as these twisted outsiders, Batman included, rent space inside your noggin can’t be healthy for anyone.

    Interestingly, Bale blabbed to moi that his mom, the one who’s accusing Bale (along with one of his sisters) of assault, “was crying with laughter” when she watched American Psycho. Fascinating, eh? Also, I find it pretty suspicious that Mama Bale’s supposedly shopping around mag-rags for cash to talk about the recent “assault,” while her son’s shattering box-office records. If she’s truly concerned about getting her side across then she'd do it for free. Supposedly, Mama Bale is jealous, said my Bale hangers-on, of her son and her late husband, Christian’s father. In the interview, when I asked about heroes and major influences in his life, Christian made a point to directly talk about his dad, nada mamacita. He said, “My biggest influences would have to be my father and my family. We moved around an awful lot, so I found you had to form a tight unit or you'd be incredibly lonely.”

    Heath Ledger Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

    Other than guffawing, rather inappropriately, at Psycho, no other mention of mommy was ever made. Indeed, this notion of being “lonely” had a habit of resurfacing during our interview. When talking about being an actor he said, “It is nomadic, and you have to get accustomed to some sort of isolation, which is often important in preparing for a role. But I've always been a bit of a loner.” Don't forget, C.B was devastated over fellow loner and BFF Heath Ledger’s premature death, secluding himself for weeks after. Now that the movie is finally released, it’s like opening an old wound. Apparently, like Heath, Bale lost a lot of sleep during the filming of Dark Knight, which could also be responsible for his recent outbursts.

    Let’s just hope he doesn’t call up Ashley Olsen’s masseuse to help him unwind. More on this nasty sitch Monday.

    Katherine Heigl Todd Williamson/WireImage.com

    Always seems to be more de-lish drama behind the scenes at Grey’s Anatomy than on the damn show—guess that’s why snitty star Katherine Heigl didn’t think her Izzie work this season was worth a second helping of Emmy. Kathy’s costar Chandra Wilson (who, by the way, thought her merde was good enough to get in on the Emmy race) defended Kay-babe’s bitchy behavior, natch. So Heigie didn’t wanna shell out some of her 27 Dresses paycheck to possibly win another gold girl? Guess we can add cheap to the growing list of unflattering adjectives when describing this increasingly divisive blonde.

    Grey's Anatomy, Chandra Wilson ABC/Karen Neal

    This ain’t the first time C.W. has felt the need to get behind part of the cast—remember, she was one of the very few people willing to come to Isaiah Washington’s side after his hate-fueled choke ‘n' slur offense toward T.R. Knight. Chandra’s trying to be the great and almighty peacemaker and spokeswoman for all of Grey’s castmembers’ public foibles. But is she willingly being a martyr for the greater good of Grey’s, or is Chandy just deep in denial about everyone on the show? Wonder if she cares to give a few words about the 16-year age gap between T.R. and his literally-a-boy toy.

    So if Kathy’s here to stay—and we hear it’s Isaiah-level tense on that show all over again, ironically enough, as no one was a bigger critic of I.W. than Kathy—we must ask something: How, exactly, should the outspoken pissy one be reprimanded for her latest unprofessional dissing? We say: Instead of the writers giving K.H. fewer words—an obvious choice—give her more. Tons more. We’re talkin’ seven-minute soliloquies. Hell, have Izzie only speak in iambic pentameter. Is that enough of a challenge for the bored thesp?

    Britney Spears Larry Busacca/WireImage.com

    Say, as long as we’re whittling down brilliant ideas for our cantankerous colleagues, let’s take a shot at the title for Britney Spears' new album, the one she’s reportedly workin’ on as we speak with some top-notch, unnamed producers. (Why the anonymity? Slightly anxious to be linked with this lady’s lackluster music?)

    B-babe could take a cue from Mimi and name it The Emancipation of Brit-Brit, since that title did wonders for saving Carey’s career—well, that and Photoshop. Or why not run with another non sequitur filled with empty imagery like Blackout? Vacuum, perhaps? But seriously, Britters should just call her next album Miley Cyrus and she’ll have no problem hitting platinum.

    Laura Bush ZumaPress.com

    Laura Bush, or so the latest real-estate gab from Big D goes, is rumored to be the purchaser of the last, largest developable plot of land in snooty Highland Park. It’s 1.77 acres, right on ritzy Turtle Creek, and everybody in town’s wondering if she’s the strangely anonymous buyer. Word is it’s either her, some Midwestern biz tycoon or Tom Cruise. I vote for Laura, 'cause Turtle Creek has, like, tons of ducks all over it, so when Dubya stops by for his annual visit (as I broke in this very column, GWB and L.B. will be living essentially apart, post-White House), he’ll feel right at home, a domestic institution on which...

    Estelle Getty NBC

    Estelle Getty, actually spent very, very little during her long life. And gotta say bye-bye, you Golden deary! Yes, we actually did know each other, although Estelle was a couple of years older than I. Three things I remember about E.G. the most: She was lovely, she was an incredible tightwad—cheap furnishings and abodes were always her mantra—and the reason she always looked aside from the person she delivered those withering put-down’s to (usually Bea Arthur, who was almost always drunk off her ass, and I should know, because I was on the set a few times) was because she could never remember her lines. They were always written on cue cards for her, right next to the camera. Hardly ever at a loss for vamping verbiage would be...

    Kathy Hilton ZumaPress.com

    Kathy Hilton, who’s just a couple of years older than Estelle and I, chatted with yours truly recently at a charity gig for children’s art funding. I asked the mama of one of the most notorious performers in online history just where, exactly, she felt the line should be drawn between art and pornography, in terms of teaching children the differences between the two. “I don’t know,” Kath-hon answered, honestly (one of the things I like best about the Bel-Air broad). Well, that answer’s already pretty obvious, I’d say, you? And something tells me I’m not the only hag on the rag about age, read on:

    Bridget Marquardt E! Entertainment

    Dear Ted:
    Regarding Hef Bunny No. 3, Bridget, isn't she in her 30s and OTH (over the hill)? Isn't this when Hef marries her off to some Bev Hills plastic surgeon and gets her out of the house, or has he lost his touch?
    A
    San Diego

    Dear Numbers Ninny:
    WDAMYFW-FB (who died and made you forever wrinkle-free, bitch)?

    Blind Vice: Version 1 E! Networks/Comcast Entertainment Group

    Blind Vice, Don't Tempt Me:
    Toothy Tile
    makes it perfectly clear he's 100 percent certain this very column will never reveal his identity. Hmmm. That one is so funny, Toothy. Reminds me I forgot to tell you all that once my divorce comes through, I'll be engaged to the remaining unmarried Bush daughter!

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