Awful Predicts: The Songs, Scandals and Situation(s) on This Season of Dancing With the Stars!

We predicted the cast, now we predict their antics!

Continuing the age-old tradition of us always being right and rarely wrong (and oh so humble about it), we're glad to say that our scoops and predictions for this season's cast of Dancing With the Stars were on point.

That said, we figured we were on a roll, so why not keep our luck going?

You know there's such dramz on and off the set, so let's take a trip into the superpsychic minds of Team Awful and see what this season has in store for each of the fame-seeking contestants...

Bristol Palin as "The Headliner"
Motive: Lose the pregnancy weight, ditch all associations with Levi Johnston, introduce her family to the arts (that doesn't include a macaroni portrait of a moose).
Signature Dance: Paso Doble to "Itsy-Bitsy Spider"
Shining Moment: Breaking down crying the first week after seeing mom in the audience. Also, tripping down stairs.

David Hasselhoff as "The Wash-Up"
Motive: Get America to stop laughing at him. At, David, not with.
Signature Dance: Rumba to "Theme from Baywatch"
Shining Moment: At some point, you know he's gonna plug his pop-star status in Germany. And we will all cringe accordingly.

Audrina Patridge as "The Socialite"
Motive: Prove to the world that rich, white, less-privileged reality stars can enter the world of ballroom dancing.
Signature Dance: Quickstep to "Stupid Girls"
Shining Moment: Showing emotion.

The Situation as "The Reality Star"
Motive: I'm the Situation!
Signature Dance: Tango to "Touch My Body"
Shining Moment: Keeping his shirt on long enough and getting a score higher than 20. Yeah, we'll see.

Florence Henderson as "The Old Bitch"
Motive: Provide nostalgia before getting booted in the second week.
Signature Dance: Samba to "Stayin' Alive"
Shining Moment: Either getting voted off despite her winning sass-appeal or breaking her hip and lotsa Cloris Leachman-esque attention, whichever comes first.

Brandy as "The Faded Pop Star"
Motive: Remember Brandy? She was a pop/R&B star!
Signature Dance: Cha-Cha to "Who's That Lady?"
Shining Moment: Shocking everyone when this former singer turns out to be the best dancer on the show. Not much competition, though.

Rick Fox as "The Tall and Uncoordinated Athlete"
Motive: We smell an attempt to get famous again before the inevitable reality show.
Signature Dance: Viennese Waltz to "The Fame Monster"
Shining Moment: Pulling off one dance move and pretending that it came naturally.

Margaret Cho as "The Raunchy Comedian"
Motive: To show America that not all Asian-American gals are as neatly packaged as Lucy Liu and Carrie Ann Inaba.
Signature Dance: Jive to "Promiscuous Girl"
Shining Moment: Dropping some joke about her vage and getting the whole of conservative America offended. Oh, and she'll do one frickin' lift and the crowd will go insane.

As for the rest—and that includes Michael Bolton, Jennifer Grey, Kurt Warner and Kyle Massey—it's safe to say that the laughs will be provided watching this ragtag crew try to foxtrot. Most random cast ever? Totally.