20th Century FoxReview in a Hurry: From the comic "geniuses" who gave us Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans...'Nuff said? Now writer-directors Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer sink their not-so-sharp teeth into the vampire genre—and drain it of all humor. Fangs for nothing.
The Bigger Picture: What sucks more than vampires? Lame, lazy movie parodies aimed at attention-deficient tweens. Twi-hards titillated by Stephanie Meyer's saga might be tickled by this spoof's obvious gags, but everyone else will wanna drive a stake through its heart—despite the scant 80-minute running time (which still feels like an undead eternity).
Surprisingly, Vampires almost exclusively skewers the Twilight franchise with only passing swipes at other properties like Buffy. The story centers on sulky sourpuss Becca Crane (Jenn Proske), who returns to Sporks, Washington, to live with her sheriff dad. At school, she meets and slo-mo moons over pale, pompadoured Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), part of the mysterious Sullen family of vampires.
Also bitten by Becca's, um, charms is Jacob White (Chris Riggi)—instead of Jacob Black, get it??—an oft-shirtless Native-American werewolf sporting a furry tail from his tight jeans. Becca's bloodsucker-lust soon attracts a dangerous clan of nomadic vampires who don't share the Sullens' ethical reservations about drinking human blood.
Sound familiar? Duh. Friedberg & Seltzer basically rehash Twilight sequences and interject uninspired shtick and predictable jabs at easy pop-culture targets—Tiger Woods, the Jonas Brothers, the Jersey Shore cast, etc. It's all so tired, a more appropriate title would be Dated Movie.
On the plus side, the leads are well cast.
Proske nails Kristen Stewart's stuttery delivery, gape-mouthed stares, and constant fidgeting with her hair, while Lanter and Riggi capture their counterparts' preening physicality. But all three should've had more fun mocking the stars' angsty intensity.
Still, the Web is already crawling with Twilight spoofs that are actually funny—and free—so don't get suckered in. 'Cause for those who do, reality bites—and so does Vampires.
The 180—a Second Opinion: The Hangover's Ken Jeong reliably chews up the scenery—this time with vampire fangs—though his cameo is much too brief.