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    How Can My Grandma Meet Robert Pattinson?

    Robert Pattinson GSI Media

    I live in Maryland, but I would like to meet Mr. Robert Pattinson, shake his hand, and invite him out to dinner or drinks. I'm a 51-year-old grandmother, not a crazed teenager. I'd simply like to get to know a little about him on a one-on-one basis. What would be the best way to attempt this?
    —J.O., via the Answer B!tch inbox

    The best way to "attempt this" would be to stay in your own home in Maryland and imagine it, layering on dreamy details as you see fit. Because, let's be honest:

    Your goal is self-delusional, with a healthy pinch of creepy thrown in for good measure, whether you say you are "crazed" or not. And before I even attempt to broaden this answer with some of my trademark helpful research, I have a question for you.

    Why?

    Why would you leave your home state—Pattinson isn't expected to shoot Breaking Dawn anywhere near Maryland—for a split-second encounter with an actor who will almost certainly blow you off?

    What makes you think he'd ever want to go out to "dinner or drinks" with a stranger outside of his industry and to whom he has nothing to say? Do you really think the two of you will settle in for a pint, split a platter of hot wings and laugh over all the little things you have in common?

    All that said, let's assume I have readers out there with more realistic goals—say, Pattinson's autograph, or even a photo with the actor.

    That I can handle.

    It won't be easy. Even when a celebrity draws close to fans—say, at a Comic-Con-like fanboy gathering, or via your typical arm's-length, security-goon-choked movie premiere—scoring an introduction can be tough.

    That goes double for Pattinson, whose propensity for driving fans insane has resulted in an even higher level of squirrelly behavior. Bodyguards are almost de rigeur for Pattinson; if he doesn't feel like mingling, he'll tell his bodyguard, and you'll be lucky to walk away without a flattened nose, much less a crushed ego.

    So, your best chances for an autograph? Catch Pattinson on location, and not in a large city. Pattinson shot Remember Me in New York, where he was besieged by mewling fans. But out in Louisiana, where Pattinson is expect to shoot much of Breaking Dawn, you might have a shot if you play it cool, says Steve Cyrkin, editor and publisher of Autograph magazine.

    Once you arrive, "it may take a week or two" for you to figure out the film's shooting schedule. But after that, your best bet is to "try to catch them coming or going," Cyrkin says. A late-afternoon stakeout usually gets better results, Cyrkin adds.

    Pattinson may still have a bodyguard—I wouldn't be surprised, given the interest from folks like you—but Cyrkin tells me that goons usually follow strict orders from a client. So, even if you see a hulk in a suit, approach the star anyway. If Pattinson is in a giving mood, you may still get your autograph or photo.

    Just don't ask him out for "dinner and drinks." If you really are entertaining such a fantasy, well, as Cyrkin puts it, "you need to get a life."

    PHOTOS: If Looks Could Kill: Rate Rob Pattinson

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