You've heard of The Lost Weekend.
Well, call this one the lost week for celebs such as Perez Hilton, who forgot that posting compromising pictures of kids is a freakin' felony, and Emma Roberts, who forgot that, though Taylor Lautner plays the werewolf, it's Robert Pattinson's fans who have the claws.
Meanwhile, Rob and Kristen Stewart got engaged and broke up so many times during the three minutes it took us to make it through the supermarket checkout line, it's hard to know what to believe anymore.
So let us try to help with that:
FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY: To be fair, Perez Hilton most surely did not intend to engage in child pornography when he posted a picture of newly tattooed Miley Cyrus getting out of a car with her dress hiked up a little too high, reminiscent of a certain Britney pic of old. But since other photos taken that night showed that Miley didn't forget her knickers, Perez is in the clear legally while still comfortably in the realm of moral shadiness. But while both the Cyrus family and the law in general will let sleeping dogs lie, every dumb move has its price.
LONDON CALLING: We hadn't heard from '90s heartthrobs Jason and Jeremy London in awhile—and this was the last thing we were expecting. Jeremy surfaced to reveal that he was kidnapped at gunpoint in Palm Springs and forced to buy alcohol for a gang-riddled area and take drugs. Sounds terrifying, but twin bro Jason and their mom are mainly concerned about what this whole sitch means for Jeremy's recovery, he being a former addict. Jeremy, please phone home.
TWILIGHT BITES: Emma Roberts dared to tell Rob Pattinson that she was Team Jacob, and his fans were apparently so concerned for his delicate constitution, they wrote some nastiness to her on Twitter, prompting Julia's niece to remove herself from the Twitterverse. Why, you ask? Our theory is that people are bored. And bad listeners, apparently. Didn't Team Edward hear the part where she said she liked his hair?!
COVER UP: According to various tabloids, Kristen and Rob are every which way: engaged, broken up, moving in together, etc. But though some fans would like to believe all of it at once, there's got to be a middle ground—and it's probably not nearly as immortally romantic as some would like to believe. Would R.Pattz and K.Stew even work as a cinematic couple outside the Twilight realm? (Star, meanwhile, went the bogus "Al Gore was cheating with Laurie David" route.) Just get on with the Eclipse already!
WEDDING BELLS: Longtime couple Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart tied the knot...America Ferrera's engaged to Ryan Piers Williams...Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are reengaged...Rush Limbaugh married fourth wife Kathryn Rogers and Elton John helped.
CRYSTAL CLEAR: Her SCRAM may have gone off, but Lindsay Lohan's urine tested negative for alcohol the morning after she was partying post-MTV Movie Awards. Did she eat enough In-N-Out burgers to soak up the booze, or did she—as she maintains—get a crummy shake from the judge?
OUCH: Bam Margera was hit in the head with a baseball bat, though that still sounds better than stapling your testicles to your leg.
JACKSON FIVE: (1) AEG Live and Jackson's estate are going to contribute $1.3 million to the city of Los Angeles to help out with the cost of last year's memorial; (2) Randy Jackson suffered a mild heart attack; (3) An interactive motion-sensor videogame featuring Jackson's dance moves is in the works for aspiring Moonwalkers out there; (4) Dr. Conrad Murray gets to keep practicing medicine in California, minus the doling out of sedatives; (5) Next week E! Online be marking the one-year anniversary of the King of Pop's death with a slew of written and photographic tributes. Make sure to check 'em out!
FAREWELL: Jimmy Dean, country singer and frozen sausage king, died at 81.
POSTMORTEM: Gary Coleman's remains have been cremated without fanfare, as requested, and his ashes stored while the women in his life sort out the estate mess...Ted Koppel's son, Andrew Koppel, was found to have died of an accidental overdose of alcohol, Valium, heroin and cocaine...Brittany Murphy hubby Simon Monjack may not have had a heart problem but he did have two kids.
MALFEASANCE: Chris Klein arrested for DUI, dog safe...Big Brother 3 contestant Tonya Paoni charged with reckless homicide in a chain-reaction crash that killed two...Sopranos goon Joseph Gannascoli busted for DUI...Ironic that it's the Dutch who won't let Snoop Dogg perform at an upcoming festival... Singing sisters Aly and AJ Michalka were spooked by an already restrained "fan"...No charges for Jersey Shore's "Sweetheart"...Hanson and Drake fans combined are quite disorderly...Someone pushed another of Charlie Sheen's cars off a cliff...Ryan Seacrest's stalker gets prison time...Kid Cudi arrested, still makes it to Bonnaroo.
BABY TALK: Tiffani Thiessen and hubby Brady Smith welcome a daughter, their first...Kelly Preston's full-on baby-bumpin'...Mariah Carey's dog had those puppies...It's not quite time for Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker...Cameron Diaz isn't opposed to having a baby...Did Tiger Woods have one with this woman?
KEEPING UP: The Kardashian sisters are penning a joint autobiography...Khloé Kardashian Odom proved to be no jinx, with hubby Lamar Odom and his fellow Lakers winning their second consecutive NBA Championship...Kim Kardashian has been hanging out with a Cowboy and frolicking on the beach (for the cameras) with Justin Bieber.
TV LAND: Little People, Big World's Matt Roloff is alive! And well!...Cast of Bachelor Pad revealed...CSI: Miamia beaching Eddie Cibrian...House and Cuddy canoodling on the beach!...Sexy-funny Old Spice guy Isaiah Mustafa signed a talent deal with NBC...Rumor-plagued Justin Bieber, Cameron Diaz, Ryan Seacrest, Tim McGraw and more are teaming for a telethon to benefit victims of the Gulf Coast oil spill...Jon Gosselin discusses his small-minded-screen future...Real Housewive Dina Manzo dishes on her departure...No reality show coming about teen sailor Abby Sunderland...Check out the Teen Choice 2010 Awards noms...The 2010 Tony Awards tipped its hat at Hollywood, big time...Don't forget to get your nominations in for Watch With Kristin's 2010 Tater Top Awards!
SCENE: Chace Crawford partying in London with Glee's Matthew Morrison...Angelina Jolie do-gooding in Ecuador...Michelle Obama taking daughters Malia and Sasha to the set of The Suite Life on Deck for a tour and visit with the cast...Zac Efron honored at the Miami Film Festival...Gerard Butler stepping out with pug Lolita in L.A....Paris Hilton and more hanging out at gaming conference E3...Gabourey Sidibe's mom impressing with her pipes on America's Got Talent...Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry enjoying family time with Nahla at Disneyland.
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This weekend, think big. Big Picture, that is.